Monday, November 17, 2008
Oh man you guys things are so bad right now when it comes to Blue Cats. I can't even really call them 'Lions' anymore because that implies a certain amount of majesty and toothy power that would be the most obvious false advertising ever.
I mean you see this blue cat here; he is not swimming, he is slowly sinking beneath the logo'd waves. Straight up watery tragedy.
If you are wondering why there have not been very many posts about this potentially historic season so far, I can only tell you that every week I spend a few moments in quiet contemplation, trying to think of something to say other than 'EVERYONE IS SO BAD AT FOOTBALL'. I have a hard time thinking of anything. EVERYONE IS SO BAD AT FOOTBALL.
Occasionally the Blue Cats will play well for a series, or a quarter, or (more rarely), a half. But the opposing team then always remembers how to play football, and the Blue Cats always revert back to their bumbling ways.
If you have a quarterback with a big arm-- one of the few things Daunte Culpepper inarguably does still have-- why would you not throw down the field? You have not won a game yet. Why stick with runs and short, sometimes backwards passes? THERE IS ALMOST LITERALLY NOTHING TO LOSE. Take some bloody RISKS! This seems obvious, unmistakable, self-evident. Yet somehow, somewhy, the Blue Cats insist upon short runs and tiny passes.
I just... WHY?
And the tackling; holy cats, the tackling is still some of the worst I have seen at any level. You don't just try to BUMP INTO GUYS, you have to WRAP THEM UP and HOLD ONTO THEM and generally NOT TOUCH THEM ONCE, WEAKLY, AND THEN LIE DOWN ON THE TURF TO WATCH THEM CONTINUE ON DOWN THE FIELD.
This is obvious, yes??!? To you, this is obvious? To me, this obvious! To the Blue Cats, this is not at all obvious. It has been going on since Week One. You would think that perhaps they would have begun addressing it by now, but you would be thinking a wrong thing.
HOW IS THIS AT ALL POSSIBLE ON A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM? It boggles the mind so hard that mind-bits will leak out of your ears and nose, it truly does.
What more can I even say? These Cats are bad in a way that defies description. There are no words in the English language sufficient to describe the terriblocity of this 'football team' (and I use that phrase in the loosest possible sense).
0-and-10. Absurd, ghastly, sickening, farcical, lunatic, ridiculous. And, in all likelihood, it will only get more so.Labels: football, Lions, NFL, terrible
10:28 PM
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I need to write about the Red Sox and my MANY STRANGE AND OBSESSIVE WORRIES about them soon, but this? This I cannot pass up.
I'm talking about an article by Nicholas Cotsonika in the Detroit Free Press titled Matt Millen says Lions have his back-- and they can win this year. Although I will get into it below, I will summarize it here for the lazy readers: Matt Millen is awful, but has no concept of his own awfulness. It is as though he is so awful at handling a National Football League team that his mind simply refuses to process the full magnitude of his FAIL. The result of this brain hiccup, this disturbance in his gray matter, is a near-delusional outlook on his team, his management of said team, his personnel, and probably many other things as well.
Let's have a look, shall we?
Millen said he believes in Marinelli more than ever before because Marinelli has remained consistent amid adversity. He said he still believes in the coaching staff and players -- and that if the Lions just do what they've been doing, they will win this year.
"Stay the course," Millen said. "It's a little bump. ... It's not like you have to panic. You don't have to make wholesale changes. You don't have to do all that stuff. It's all right there."
He believes in Marinelli because Marinelli has remained consistent amid adversity.
He believes in Marinelli because Marinelli has remained consistent amid adversity.
HE BELIEVES IN MARINELLI BECAUSE MARINELLI HAS REMAINED CONSISTENT AMID ADVERSITY.
Say you have a nail that you have to hammer into a wall. You're holding the nail in place so it doesn't fall out before it's nailed in properly. Your friend ROD MARINELLI is swinging the hammer. He keeps smashing you in the fingers and missing the nail. He does it every single time. Over and over again. And instead of telling him he's DOING IT WRONG, instead of telling him to GO AWAY and finding SOMEONE ELSE to hammer the nail in properly, you PRAISE HIM.
You tell everyone that you believe in his ability to hammer that nail into the wall because despite adversity-- despite his CONSTANT FAILURE TO DO THE TASK ASSIGNED TO HIM, despite his CONSTANT FAILURE TO COME UP WITH THE DESIRED RESULT i.e. the nail in the wall and your hand intact-- he has remained CONSISTENT. He has NOT EVEN TRIED TO HAMMER THE NAIL IN A NEW WAY SO AS TO AVOID BREAKING YOUR PHALANGES.
And you praise him for this!!!
Matt Millen is out of his catdamned mind.
"I said at the beginning of the season, 'Come on out, and you'll like what you see,' " Millen said. "And I think the people who came out (to training camp), they like what they see because they see discipline. They see the approach is right. They're practicing right. All the little things."
What about the fan who says, "That's practice, but these are games"?
"Well, if a fan says that, then they don't understand the game of football, because it can't happen on the field if it doesn't happen here," Millen said.
It's not happening on the field. Quite frankly I don't give a flying diseased rat colon about what's happening in practice for the Lions these days because IT'S NOT HAPPENING ON THE FIELD. I have seen better tackling in HIGH SCHOOL football games. Tackling!! One of the most BASIC and INTEGRAL of the football skills! Obviously Matt Millen and I mean different things when we talk about 'all the little things'.
Does Millen hold himself accountable?
"Look," Millen said. "Rod stands up there and says, 'It's on me'? It's on me. It's me. That's fine. ... The guys who are out here are here for a reason. It's not happenstance. I believe in the guy I hired. I believe in the staff we put together and I believe in the players we have on the field. And if you want to point the finger at any of that stuff, that's on me. I'm fine with that, because I believe in what's out there. Nothing else needs to be said."
If he believes in what's out there, then he believes in a terrible football team that cannot tackle opposing players and glories in finding new and exciting ways to lose games that they seem to have a shot at winning. I BELIEVE!!!
Hasn't it taken too long to build a foundation, let alone build on top of it?
"From since I'm here, sure," Millen said. "Yeah. Obviously. But like I said earlier, I'm the one who hired the guy, and I believe in him 100%. I believe in him more now than I ever did. That guy, he's exactly what you need."
Why?
"Because he's consistent," Millen said. "You guys see that. That's not changing. He is a straight line."
I don't understand this. I just don't. If your team is terrible at playing the game of football, why would you insist that the best thing for everyone is to hold that course? The course you are on is one of losing! You don't want to hold that course! It's like someone once told Millen, "Now sonny boy, don't you ever stray from a path once you're on it," and he took that advice to heart so much that he now could not get off a conveyor belt even if he was unrestrained and the conveyor belt was approaching a circular saw that would remove his balls.
"He will do what he believes is the right thing to do, and what he's doing is the right way. The players we have picked, we picked in the beginning for a reason. The same reason still exists. They still have the same skills and abilities. The staff's in place for the same exact reason. Rod likes to use the term, 'Don't blink.' I never use that term. But you just keep on walking. ...
"I just think what we're doing is the right thing to do, and if they just keep doing what they're supposed to do, we'll be fine."
First of all, what the hell is he saying with the blinking and the walking?
Secondly, saying things like, "if they just keep doing what they're supposed to do, we'll be fine," presupposes that your players are doing the proper things in the first place, and you CANNOT presuppose that with the Detroit Lions.
Millen declined to go into his discussions with Ford. He said he didn't want to put words in Ford's mouth.
"He has high expectations," Millen said. "When you have high expectations, you also get frustrated, too. There's answers you want, too."
Millen said he told Ford basically the same things he said Thursday, just in more detail.
"He asks all the right questions," Millen said. "Let's just leave it at that."
Nicholas Cotsonika/Detroit Free Press
Except for the questions that will lead to the creation of a winning Lions team.Labels: football, Lions, Matt Millen, NFL
3:08 AM
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Again? Seriously.... AGAIN??
I was unhappy when this game started. The first time in five years I haven't been at the season opener... it was weird, OK? Weird and wrong-footing and seeing that full stadium but not being in it is just wrong. But life goes on, I thought. You grow up, you move away; at least you're not out there schvitzing to death in the heat and probably getting a horrific sunburn because you forgot to put on sunscreen again.
I expected things to improve, though. Oh, I knew full well that the team is young, it's the first game with a new coach and a new system after several eons of Carr-ship, we're starting a walk-on at QB and the backup is a red-shirt freshman. I knew all that. Intellectually. I still expected... I don't know. Not a blowout, but a victory of some sort.
I really, really need to stop having expectations about this team, unless they are expectations of SHAME and AGONY.
Nothing against Utah. I tip my cap to them while simultaneously cursing out every single one of their players, especially that friggin' kicker. This is a less embarrassing loss than last year's Appalachian State disaster; the Utes may be in the mostly imaginary Mountain West conference, but at least they're actually, you know, Division I.
We have no running game. Like... none. I have no idea how our receivers look after this one game, because the combined Sheridan/Threet QB situation was awful enough to make them a moot point. The offensive line was bad. The defense adjusted in the second half in a very encouraging way, but the atrocious first half can't be ignored. Special teams were pretty good? I guess?
The close score at the end of the game was pretty deceptive. Utah made some terrifically bad mistakes, but Michigan did not look like a Division I football team out there.
It's gonna be a long season, 'though I guess this is maybe the best way to ease me out of the habit of actually going to the games.
ETA: Tatum Bell, after being released by the Lions, stole the luggage of Rudi Johnson, who had been brought in to replace him.
The Lions keep finding new and exciting ways to remind everyone that they are 100% clown shoes.Labels: football, Lions, loss, NCAA, Tatum Bell, Utes, Wolverines
6:00 PM
Monday, August 04, 2008
Here's the thing with the Manny trade. I know, in my heart of hearts, that it was the right move, maybe the ONLY possible move at this point. Manny had created an impossible situation for himself in Boston. Even if he goes on to hit .360/.430/.667 with the Dodgers, you can't really fault Theo for the move, because he wouldn't have done that in Boston with any kind of reliable consistency, not if he felt like he was being wronged by the tiny green gnomes that live under the Monster or whatever his latest gripe would have inevitably been. Declining to run out ground balls, fine, we were used to that and had accepted it as a part of the whole general Manny-package, but he was starting to get sulky AT THE PLATE, which is.... well, it's just deeply not OK.
And for once this wasn't just a bunch of fans getting all foamy about the mouthparts: Manny's own teammates were expressing concern to the FO that Manny could no longer be relied upon in games.
It may not be the absolute best move from a pure baseball standpoint. But it may have been the only move, and thus the right one.
That said, it still sucks rat testicles and Jason Bay, whatever other positives he may have, is not going to be nearly as fun as Manny to watch. He just won't be. It isn't possible. Manny was a crazy, surly, occasionally frustrating buffoon, but he was OUR crazy, surly, occasionally frustrating buffoon, dammit, and his antics WERE often entertaining, and what the hell is baseball anyways if it's not entertainment? You know, aside from a cold-blooded soul-sucking business and a religion/tribal-analogue for otherwise jaded and sarcastic New Englanders.
So, aside from the fact that I DID just talk about it, I don't really want to talk about it. Instead, I will talk about the one thing I can pretty much guarantee no other Red Sox blog in the world is talking about right now:
The Detroit Lions!
If you, like me, have been lucky enough to view FSN Detroit lately, you have probably noticed that the Lions have started running ads for the upcoming season. These ads feature their new tagline, slogan, whatever you want to call it. The first time I heard it, I literally burst out laughing. It is marvelous. It is splendiferous. It is (are you ready for this?):
DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOW?
That's the slogan. The ad consists of vague Lions footage, and a few players staring into the camera and saying, "DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOW?" At no point is there any mention of, say, scoring points, or anything obviously insane like that. The ad does not go on to say, "Do you believe that NOW is when we will win?" There is in fact no mention of victory at all, which is both refreshingly honest and keenly disturbing in an ad that's supposed to get fans fired up for the season.
After I got over my initial reaction (the aforementioned hysterical laughter), I had to stop and think. What could this slogan really mean? It is so very open, so strangely... philosophical.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOW?
I mean, let's break it down. NOW. What is 'now'? 'Now' is the time at present, the current moment. 'Now' is the bit of fourth dimension that the universe is experiencing right, well, NOW. It looks neither forwards nor backwards; it is neither future nor past. It is ever-changing, never static, impossible to capture and preserve. You think you know what 'now' is? In the time it took you to read that sentence, 'now' has changed a near-infinity of times. What you thought was 'now' has become 'then'.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOW?
What does it mean, to believe in 'now'? Do I believe that the universe exists such that the present moment is a Real Thing, not merely a figment of my imagination or some other sort of illusion? Hard to say. We as human beings are bounded by our senses and our brains; it may be argued that we cannot 'know' the world without them. This is an inherently solipsistic way to live. 'Now' seems real. It FEELS real. But is it? After all, it cannot be captured. Time marches on; it does not stop. Maybe at the event horizon of a black hole, where space and time warp in ways we cannot experience in our daily life, there is a sort of perpetual NOW. But can we ever know that for sure?
We feel like we are experiencing a series of 'now's. But is this real, or is it merely an artifact of the limits of our human sensory equipment and the scales which our brain is able to practically comprehend? We are incapable of perceiving infinitely small demarcations of time, but such micro-moments (quantum-moments?) may exist. If you view the fourth dimension as a linear progression (this, of course is debatable) and if you assume it is not at some level an indivisible particle, you may also assume that time can be broken down into ever smaller moments, seconds to microseconds to nanoseconds and so on down to parcels of time as-yet unnamed-- to parcels of time that the human mind simply cannot comprehend in any visceral, meaningful way.
What then? Can 'now' truly be said to exist when what we perceive as 'now' is only a very rough approximation of immediacy?
Or do we ignore this? Do we say, no, 'now' is what we believe it to be, therefore it exists? Do we say that because 'now' is a human concept, it necessarily MUST exist, because if we have invented the concept-- if the concept cannot exist in a pure state-- then it must exist as defined?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOW?
I don't know. I don't know if I believe in 'now'. To say yes is to fall into the darkly existential well of human solipsism. To say no is to question our very perception of time. Why do the Lions demand these things of me? Why?! It is a cruel organization that so torments its fans.
What does my belief (or lack of belief) in 'now' have to do with the Detroit Lions? I am not sure. I believe that the team will exist and that a number of large men wearing Honolulu blue and silver (and sometimes, sadly, black) will appear on various football fields at various pre-determined times, where they will (badly) attempt to play the game of football as defined by the National Football League. This is a belief based on habit (all these things have happened many times in the past) and probability (it is more likely that these things will happen than it is that a previously undetected meteor will obliterate Ford Field and negate the season).
But my belief in the existence of the upcoming Lions season is not tied to my belief in the 'now'. And it is CERTAINLY not at all tied to my belief that the team will in any appreciable way do well.
THAT is something I do not believe in.
I look forward to the Lions raising more questions of this sort all season long. If they can provide exercise for my brain, maybe it will in some small way make up for the execrable things they are preparing to do on the field.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN NOW??!Labels: baseball, football, Lions, Manny Ramirez, Red Sox, trade
3:47 PM
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I first came to the University of Michigan in the fall of 2003.
Michigan 35, Ohio State 21. 2003.
Michigan 45, Michigan State 37, 3 overtimes. 2004.
Michigan 27, Penn State 25. 2005.
Michigan 14, Ohio State 3. 2006.
Michigan 31, Michigan State 13. 2006.
Michigan 17, Oakland University 0. 2007.
Michigan 5, Eastern Michigan 3, walkoff homerun. 2008.
Today, in May of 2008, I went to a baseball game.
Michigan 15, Ohio State 1. 2008.
Tomorrow I move out, with a BFA, a minor in Biology, and 5 years of memories.
Thanks, U of M. Thanks, Ann Arbor. I'll miss ya.Labels: baseball, football, NCAA, photoblog, University of Michigan, Wolverines
7:27 PM
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Mmmm, losing, how it has consumed my football.
I of course attended the Michigan/Ohio State game, which was a disaster. A total disaster. It was freezing cold out, but just warm enough to keep the rain rain and not snow. I don't know how it was possible for the air to be as cold as it was while we were still getting rained out, but apparently Ohio State bewitched the air to make us just that much more completely miserable. I was soaked through by the end of the game, and I had rain gear on. Some people were worse off. And of course there's no shelter in the Big House.
Part of the problem was that, while the game didn't ever really 'feel' close, and even though it definitely never seemed like Michigan (and more especially Chad Henne) was going to make a comeback, the score technically WAS close enough to keep most of us in our seats. Of course leaving a ballgame early is despicable behavior, but in this case it would have been perfectly justified by the soul-destroying nature of the loss and the potentially health-destroying nature of the weather, and if this had been a blowout I would've been out of there before you could say, "Jim Tressel eats babies."
ALAS, IT WAS NOT A BLOWOUT. The score at the end was only 14-3. That's a surmountable score even in the NFL, and it's easily surmountable by college football standards. Hell, I've seen Michigan overcome much bigger deficits in that very stadium. You can't leave a college game when the score's that close, you just CAN'T, because if the losing team makes a comeback and you aren't there for it you can NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I mean, look at that MSU game in 2004. We were down by 17 with 8-some-odd minutes to go in the 4th quarter. As the game wore on, the mid-70s temperature of the daytime gave way to the mid-30s temperature of the night, meaning that we had all showed up wearing tshirts and were literally freezing. It seemed like the perfect time to leave, and Michigan ended up coming back and winning in triple overtime. It's one of the most epic games in recent memory and a classic in the UM/MSU rivalry.
Can you imagine being at that game and leaving early? Lots of people did. (I almost did, but my seatmate said we should wait for at least the 5-minute mark, and Michigan started the comeback around the 6-minute mark). I know some people who left. THEY HAVE STILL NOT FORGIVEN THEMSELVES.
So, with Michigan only down by 11 at the most, I just couldn't leave. Not even with the pervading air of hopelessness, not even with the weather that threatened to end both me and my camera. This time around, Michigan did not reward me with a win. The defense played well (witness the fact that OSU was held to 14 points), but the offense doesn't even rate mention. Suffice it to say that the offense was Bad, and the capital B is intentional.
Photos from the game are here. I went early to take a bunch of stadium shots, as it's my last game as an undergrad. Thankfully the rain did not start until the game did. I got some nice player shots from warmups too. Not so many good shots during the game, due to the aforementioned and much belabored weather. YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW TRULY MISERABLE IT WAS UNLESS YOU WERE THERE. The weather for that game: also Bad.
In happier news, I was also at the Thanksgiving Day Lions game! Oh wait, did I say 'happier'? I meant 'equally sad but less overtly miserable because at least the Lions play indoors'.
This was, by far, the highlight of the game. Dippin' Dots. In a miniature Lions helmet. I think you will agree with me that this is awesomeness made solid and incarnate, yes? Yes.
As for the game itself, whatever. I literally spent parts of it thinking to myself, "Hey, this isn't half as bad as the Michigan game! I'm inside! It's climate-controlled! I have a real seat instead of a small section of bleacher! The Lions are playing with some hope here at the end! I have Dippin' Dots! Altogether a superior losing experience!" And all that was TRUE. It made the Lions game just seem so whatever-esque. Brett Favre and the Packers are on a streak of vicious football prowess. The Lions have been winning, with the exception of the Denver game, by the skin of their pointy feline teeth. Whatever! At least it wasn't an absurdly bad blowout like the past two Thanksgivings. This game was close! So, whatever! See?
Photos from that game are here, in addition to some shots from before and after, as we trotted around the city.
At least it looks like the Patriots are going to win this game. If you listen carefully, you can hear my feeble, beaten-down cheer as I muster the little enthusiasm I have left for football right now.
Oh, and PS, check out this downtown Detroit bar:
Yes, it is called "Jacoby's". I had to take a photo of that. Who wouldn't?Labels: Buckeyes, football, Jacoby Ellsbury, Lions, loss, NCAA, NFL, OSU, rivalry, terrible, Wolverines
10:48 PM
Friday, October 12, 2007
True story.
That's my living room wall: the little painting all the way on the left is Fenway Park, the big painting is old Tiger Stadium, and the flag, of course, is the Detroit Lion.
We were having some trouble with the electricity in my apartment (i.e. my roommate managed to trip one of the circuit breakers three times in a single morning), so I alerted the apartment manager and toddled off to class. I came back just as the maintenance guy was finishing up. He hadn't been able to replicate the problem, so it was all Very Mysterious and we were both at a bit of a loss to explain it.
As he was packing up his tools, his eyes alighted upon the Lions flag. Well. As you can see, it's hard to miss, especially since that's the wall that faces the front door.
Maintenance dude nodded at the flag. "Well, that's your problem right there. Suckin' all the energy right outta the place."
I laughed. In light of the Lions' most recent outing, this was a fair assessment.
"Really. That'll take all the energy right out." At this point I wasn't quite sure if he was joking or not. On the one hand, how could he NOT be joking? On the other hand, the Lions have been bad enough for long enough to do some serious damage to people's minds.
After another minute of conversation about the Army recruiters staked out in our parking lot, maintenance dude left, but not before casting a baleful glance over his shoulder at the Lions flag.
I'm a little worried now.Labels: football, Lions, NFL, terrible
2:34 PM
Monday, September 17, 2007
Red Sox
Saturday: good. Sunday: bad. For once I have a lot of support out here in Michigan when I pay attention to the Sox, because every Tigers fan with half a brain realized that we badly needed the Sox to beat some Yankee posterior in this series. I actually got a couple high fives on the strength of my Sox hat at the Michigan game.
When David Ortiz came up in the bottom of the 9th with the bases loaded and two outs and the Sox down by one, it seemed inevitable that the game would be won, or would at least go to extra innings. David Ortiz! Situation of ultra-clutch! Clutchiest situation to ever grasp the world of clutch hitting since Derek Jeter last had to clutch at his underpants to keep them from falling down! EPITOME OF CLUTCHIFIED MOMENT.
We're talking about a David Ortiz who had just walked off a ballgame, and a Mariano Rivera who was visibly struggling.
Alas, it was not to be. Although these games did live up to their epic Red Sox/Yankees Rivalry to the Death billing (The Beast from the East vs. Roger Clemens' Personal Pool Boy! Matsuzaka vs. Pettitte! Man vs. Myth! Beckett vs. Wang!! Battle of the Ancients! Schilling vs. Clemens! Games to Test your Endurance!), the end result was not what we wanted.
It doesn't matter so much for the Red Sox, if you discount the whole 'insane rivalry' thing. It's probable that they'll just coast into the playoffs (although really, if they keep on losing... and the Yankees keep on winning... ugh, it doesn't even bear thinking about), and then we can start worrying. But, as everyone today is going to tell me-- man, this SUCKED for the Tigers.
Blue Cats
Forward down the field,
A charging team that will not yield.
And when the Blue and Silver wave,
Stand and cheer the brave.
Rah, Rah, Rah.
Go hard, win the game.
With honor you will keep your fame.
Down the field and gain,
A Lion victory!
GOOOOO LIONS!
Shock. Amaze. It wasn't just a Lions victory-- although it WAS a LIONS VICTORY!!-- but it was a Lions victory led in large part by Jon Kitna. The Lions looked energized when Kitna was in the game, and Kitna looked energized in turn. Let me just repeat this, so that you may more fully savor it.
Jon Kitna was the spark that fired the offense.
Jon Kitna led the Lions offense.
Jon Kitna. Good things. Quarterback. Detroit. Good.
You know what he looked like? He looked like Joey Harrington did in the game where Joey had the flu and the scruffy beard and the bloodshot eyes and, because he didn't give a damn, he threw for a bazillion yards and looked more like a real live quarterback than he ever had before. Nobody remembers the game for that; they instead (quite rightly) remember it for the horrific end, but if that series of completely ridiculous and tragic events had never taken place, that game would have been remembered for how Joey looked. LIKE A LEADER OF MEN.
(As an aside, Joey Harrington was sacked 7 times in a Falcons loss yesterday. I wonder if the offensive line is really that bad [in which case, why pick up Joey, someone that everyone in the universe knew could not run an offense with a weak line, as so manifestly proven by his time in Detroit?] or if something like the anti-Joey behavior that infested the Lions has already started to take hold in Atlanta. Poor guy. Who can tell if he's effective or not in a new offense if he can't stay on his feet long enough to get his bearings downfield?)
Point being, that's how Kitna looked this past Sunday.
Now, I've heard a lot of the "pundits" saying that the Lions are basically being liver flukes right now, and they're "pretenders", and cat knows what else. On the one hand, I tend to agree. These are, above all, the Lions, which means that they'll be managed poorly and will find exciting new and previously unexplored ways to lose. On the other hand, how many of those so-called football experts do you think ACTUALLY sat down and watched the Lions game? I would guess not very many.
Michigan
Finally won. Woo. Thanks, Irish.Labels: baseball, football, Lions, MLB, NFL, Red Sox, rivalry, Vikings, Yankees
9:01 AM
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Forward down the field,
A charging team that will not yield.
And when the Blue and Silver wave,
Stand and cheer the brave.
Rah, Rah, Rah.
Go hard, win the game.
With honor you will keep your fame.
Down the field and gain,
A Lion victory!
Well, THAT was a pleasant and unexpected occurrence!
My brain is starting to get scrambled. The Tigers were down by 7 runs-- 13 to 6-- and when the announcer said this I thought, "Oh, 7 points, that shouldn't be too hard to make up." I was thinking in FOOTBALL terms, see, instead of baseball terms. Eeesh.
None of this is helped by the fact that the Lions played in Oakland today, where the Athletics' infield is still clearly visible, even though they've expanded the field and painted the hash marks across it and ritualistically excised the actual bases.
The first Lions drive ended with an interception in the endzone. This was so typical, so purely LIONS that I found myself almost happy. It reconfirmed everything that is Lions football. We're back, baby.
The hilarity of this is the opposing quarterback, Josh McCown, who was of course on the Lions last year, and who got used in strange Lions-ish ways, for instance as a back-up receiver in a couple of games. He actually had a couple of receptions. The pass he threw in the 3rd quarter for an interception (which was tipped and then picked from the air) looked like a high effort pass. It didn't look like it came out of his hand easily; it looked like the ball weighed a hundred pounds. He also fell over as he was throwing it, possibly due to that aforementioned baseball grass. Somehow all of this is, again, familiarly bumping and Lions-esque, but for once not directed at the Lions themselves.
Roy Williams calls Calvin Johnson "Megatron", and he said, of him: "He'll have a touchdown today, one or two." Turns out that, for once, Roy Williams was 100% right.
I'm not sure what to say. There were completions-- real actual completions on the football field, by the players in Honolulu blue and silver. There were turnovers that actually went the way of the Lions. Jason Hanson was perfect, as always. It was a win... a GOOD win. A LIONS win. It is crazy and I do not know what to do with myself.
Dominic Raiola and Dan Orlovsky came up after the game to greet McCown. Raiola gave him a great big hug and McCown ruffled his hair. It was very 'awww'.
Unrelatedly, Pedro Martinez hit a double today off of Roy Oswalt. I don't think Boston fans will ever fail to care about Pedro, and Pedro hitting will never fail to be funny.Labels: football, Josh McCown, Lions, NFL, win
3:13 PM
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I'm hoping that writing about this will be sort of therapeutic. Or something.
By now you're probably all well aware of the historically horrific Michigan football game that took place on Saturday, when Appalachian State became the first 1-AA team in the history of ever to defeat an AP-ranked team. It was every bit as bad in the stadium as you probably imagine.
Usually the first game of the season is a time for fun and happy good times. The opposing team is always some non-conference school with a definite fluff factor, and while of course there's the Any Given Saturday factor and all that, it's still THE MICHIGAN WOLVERINES playing against SOME LOW-DIVISION SCHOOL, so the odds are not exactly squared up. If you're a Michigan fan, it's stress-free. All you have to worry about is how hot it's going to be in the stadium at gametime, and if you're watching at home, well, no worries at all.
This year already got off to a bad start, because most people who wanted to watch at home couldn't-- thank you, Big 10 Network. Bad karma for sure.
It was pretty warm out, but I've experienced worse in the Big House before. We also weren't sitting in the student section for the first time in my life, which meant that instead of balancing precariously on a narrow bench with a bunch of drunken frat boys swaying dangerously into me, I actually got to sit down for much of the game. That and the fact that there was a seat or two vacant in my row (so we weren't packed in like sardines) makes the heat shockingly easier to bear. I still managed to get sunburnt, but that's par for the course.
Still, it was a pleasant sunny day, with one of those "high skies" you hear about sometimes in baseball. You know the kind: that endless vault of blue without a scrap of cloud in it, bright enough to look perfectly collegiate against anyone wearing maize. It was hard to imagine that the game was going to have any outcome other than the expected one.
When Michigan first drove down the field and scored on a Mike Hart touchdown run, it seemed even more like things were going to progress in the usual manner. Mike Hart looked great, a force of sheer unstoppable Mike Hart-ness. Who does not love Mike Hart? Is this a thing which is possible? I think not.
Appalachian State scored soon after that, though. It was a little deflating, especially because it came on a great big 68-yard pass, the kind of thing that it would later seem impossible for Henne to throw. Chad Henne apparently prefers little dumpy passes that may travel 30 yards sideways, but only ACTUALLY go 2 yards up the field. We know Henne has the arm; when he does go long, part of his problem is actually going TOO long and overthrowing his receivers. So I'm not sure why the coaching staff sticks with this wee-pass scheme when it has failed to work so many times.
But the point is that even though the game had been quickly tied up, we weren't too upset yet. A little pissed off at the defense, sure. Grumbling a little, sure. But no one in the stands ACTUALLY believed that we were looking at a straight-up defeat. This kind of stuff has happened to Michigan before. We've had a TON of trouble with mobile quarterbacks the past few years, and Armanti Edwards is very, very mobile (or at least we sure made him look that way).
(Why yes, that IS a hole the size of Alaska that has obligingly opened up in the Michigan defense for Mr. Edwards to saunter right through.)
I guess this is a kind of arrogance, but honestly? We win these kinds of games. We may do so annoyingly according to the fans, especially in the Lloyd Carr era, where the win would likely be just enough and not a whit more, but we win. This isn't an arrogant statement; it's a statement of FACT.
The whole game slowly became a series of unbelievable occurrences. Surely we wouldn't be down this much by halftime. Surely we wouldn't be down in the second half. Surely we wouldn't be down so close to the end of the game.
When we came back in the last minutes of the game to squeak ahead, it was like everyone in the crowd said, "Ah ha!, so THIS is how it will go!" We would sneak ahead of the Mountaineers and it would be an ugly, ugly game that would get the attention of the team, so they would hopefully be extremely motivated to learn from their mistakes... but we would still WIN. It seemed impossible that we wouldn't. And then when we came back AGAIN, with that great pass from Henne and the great catch from Mario Manningham... when we got into field goal range...
That was ugly. That was an ugly, ugly blocked kick, but holy freakin' cats, it should not have even come down to that. Is it inexcusable for Gingell to be kicking the ball that low? Yes. Of course. What the hell. But it is MORE inexcusable to be depending on a field goal with the clock ticking down to prevent a defeat at the hands of a 1-AA team, even if that 1-AA team is the best 1-AA team to ever put on its little 1-AA pants.
I am not sure that I can accurately describe the feeling in the stadium after the Mountaineers ran that blocked kick back and dogpiled on the Michigan sideline.
It may best be summed up by the older guy sitting in front of me, who, as soon as the game ended, sat down heavily on his bit of bleacher and immediately pulled out and lit up a cigarette. This is a clear violation of probably 50 different and equally strident Big House rules and regulations. You'll see people sneaking alcohol into Michigan games all the time, but I had never seen someone smoking; that always seemed to be a much worse offense.
This guy was so obviously stunned and traumatized that he did not, in that moment, care. At all. He stared into space, motionless except for the little motions needed to smoke his cigarette. He looked so utterly lost that people coming up the stairs past him kept patting him consolingly on the back. It's possible that he didn't decide to ignore the rules; it looked like he might have just forgot where he was altogether.
Were there any good moments? Sure. Of course.
One of the best moments was after the bands had come off the field at halftime and the kickers were warming up. Jason Vitaris, the Appalachian State place kicker, was kicking down at my end of the field. They had only managed/bothered to get the net about halfway up, so when he boomed a kick way high, it ended up in the crowd, maybe 10 or 15 rows up.
Vitaris gazed patiently into the crowd, waiting for the ball to get thrown back. The Michigan fans of course immediately started passing the ball backwards, farther and farther up into the stadium, yelling at people who didn't understand what was going on. This took a while, since the ball had a long way to go and its passage was pretty erratic. The whole time this was going on Vitaris was just staring at the crowd, like he couldn't quite believe that he wasn't getting the ball back.
This continued until the crowd collectively managed to get the ball all way to the top row, where it was ceremoniously hurled out of the stadium entire. Vitaris kind of looked around furtively, like he still could not believe that the whole thing wasn't some sort of colossal joke and he would be getting his ball back shortly, before he finally had to give up on it.
The other best moment was when we were walking back from the stadium and one of the kids hanging out of a window along the way was screaming to everyone, "Drink the loss away! Drink the loss away! It's the only way!" in a truly brave and heroic manner. That's the good ol' collegiate spirit right there, that is.
The rest of the photos from the game are right here, if for some sick masochist reason you want to look at them all.
(Watching Sportscenter. They're talking about BASEBALL. The Yankees/Devil Rays game, to be exact. The Sportscenter announcer says something along the lines of, "Nobody expected much out of the Devil Rays here, but they're at least as good as Appalachian State". Of course the D'Rays went on to win. Yuk yuk yuk. We're a catdamned joke now. People will for years talk about some rinkydink team upsetting a powerhouse and they'll use Michigan and Appalachian State as a metaphor. This may never die and I hate that fact just as much as I hate the game outcome itself.)Labels: Appalachian State, football, history, in attendance, loss, Michigan, NCAA, photoblog, record, terrible, Wolverines
5:39 PM
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I know that I haven't talked Blue Cats over here in a while. This is because the Lions are so incredibly depressing, regardless of the insanity about the number of wins we can expect this season that various blue cats were delusionally spouting. My dad has taken to referring to football season as "the 16 weeks of self-loathing". All Lions fans can understand that. I have no particular desire to start that period of self-loathing much before I have to.
But Joey Harrington, you guys.
Joey Harrington is going to be the starting quarterback in Atlanta.
Joey Harrington, you guys.
Starting quarterback. In Atlanta.
Because the original starting quarterback, the super-mobile, play-making (former?) quarterback, of course, is being told to stay the hell away from training camp while he's being prosecuted for crimes related to raising battledogs and running dog fight rings.
Can you imagine anything more diametrically opposite to Joey Harrington? I mean, Joey Harrington is your basic mild-mannered piano-playing guy whose idea of quarterbacking is to receive the ball and cringe apologetically until he can get rid of it (a habit learned by playing behind the Lions' offensive line for so long). The idea that he can step into a team used to playing with Michael Vick and keep them going on a similar track is sort of laughable.
Good luck, Atlanta. Good luck, Joey. You're all going to need it.
(No good luck to Michael Vick. Dog fighting is sick, you wacked out freak.)Labels: Atlanta Falcons, football, Joey Harrington, NFL
2:30 AM
Monday, February 05, 2007
Gather 'round, children, for I shall tell you a marvelous tale, a tale of how Peyton Manning managed to tame a beast famed in myth and song, a beast known all throughout the ESPN-receiving lands, the Pony of Annoying Dickweed Victories.
A scruffy beast is this pony, mangy of coat and mane. But there are those who pursue this pony despite its foul appearance. Yes, truly do they pursue it hither and yon as it skips nimbly through the fertile Fields of No One Giving a Crap Except for National TV Announcers. For the pony is a creature of these fields, birthed among the grassy knolls and from the loins of FOX Sports color men.
Those who pursue this pony do so for their own personal gain, of course; such is the nature of the execrable beast. Many are those who jeer at their quest, many are those who remind them of people more deserving, more likeable, less overhyped. But the pursuers of the pony pay no heed to any of this noise, for they are single-minded in their quest. The Pony of Annoying Dickweed Victories is not for everyone. It may only be tamed by those who are, deep in their innermost hearts, huge fucking dickweeds. I am sure that you, children, have heard of this beast before in, perhaps, a different context; for you must know that Alex Rodriguez longs for it with all of what passes for his soul.
So yes, many are those who pursue the pony, and they are similar in nature. But Peyton Manning grew unhappy with his lot in life, always chasing after the pony, never to lay hand upon it. "Lo!" he thought unto himself as he lay upon his waterbed filled with the semen of unicorns one starry night, "I must find a way to entice the Pony of Annoying Dickweed Victories to my own person. I must somehow capture the attention of this notoriously fickle beast, and I must charm it until it is eating from my very palm."
Peyton Manning had pursued the pony long and far. He was tired, he was fed up. He was blessed with the cunning that God and/or Nature gives to those of evil disposition. He formulated a plan, and enact it he did.
He went forth unto the grocery store and did purchase a truckload of baby carrots. These he did purée, and in this purée did he roll, nude, until every inch of his awkwardly gangly inbred pasty white body was covered in soft orange paste.
Then he did venture into the Fields of No One Giving a Crap Except for National TV Announcers and he called out to the pony. Mildly interested, the pony ventured over, and then the pungent odor of mashed carrots mixed with the salty sweat of a raging inferiority complex hit its sensitive nostrils. Cunning Manning had known full well that this combination would be irresistable to the pony, and indeed the beast did run up to his side and commence hasty, slobbery licking.
The sight of this man-beast love was too much for the noble Chicago Bears, who promptly began vomiting so much in sheer horror and disbelieving disgust that the ball was rendered too slippery for Rex Grossman to hold onto or to throw properly.
So it was that Peyton Manning did tame the Pony of Annoying Dickweed Victories, and there amongst the waving flowers and grasses in the Field of No One Giving a Crap Except for National TV Announcers did he finally gain an Annoying Dickweed Victory to call his very own.
The End.
(copious vomiting)Labels: Colts, football, NFL, Peyton Manning, Superbowl
9:26 PM
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Man, I know it's been a while here. But I kind of wanted to wait for all of college football to be done so I could have some closure on the season before writing about it.
SUCK A DEAD DOG, OHIO STATE!
There are many opinions around here, the two most obvious camps being the "I feel incredibly filthy but was rooting for Ohio State because it makes Michigan and the Big 10 look better" people, and the "I don't give a flying fruitbat now that Michigan's out of it, and under no circumstances can I make myself root for those foul Ohioan cretins" people. I am one of the latter group. I spared it a thought, before the game, but really? The thought of Buckeyes celebrating wildly in confetti makes me sick to my stomach, almost literally. I did not care how weak an OSU loss would make the Big 10 look; I did not want to see happy Buckeyes. Not ever.
I've suffered enough of that.
So, yeah, the Rose Bowl stunk. A lot. I am really growing to loathe USC in new and gloriously passionate ways. Also, the Trojan is too close to the Spartan for mental comfort (team hate by mascot association? It's the new black!). But today I am relatively happy, because the Buckeyes were horribly embarrassed in front of a national audience, God, and Tostitos. And that's A-OK.
As an odd side effect of this, the amount of Florida pride showing up around campus today is unusually high. Not many people have actual Florida apparel, but even at this relatively early hour I have already seen a ton of Miami Dolphins gear out and about. Hilarious, and definitely not coincidental. My friend Travis showed up (to the art school!) today wearing a truly amazing Dolphins jacket from the early '90s.
I don't want to talk about the Lions. Talk about a pointless win. Talk about not mattering where they are in the draft because they're going to screw it up regardless. Talk about a bloody hopeless mess of an organization.Labels: BCS, Buckeyes, football, Michigan, NCAA, OSU, Wolverines
9:55 AM
Monday, December 25, 2006
ran
This is truly disgusting.
The fact that, at the end of the game, I was sitting there saying things like, "But we COULD HAVE WON if only it had been Roy of the Williamses in that corner of the endzone, instead of Mike of the Williamses and his useless, useless hands," is a reflection on my own personal level of derangement, not on any actual skill on the part of the team. This is a terrible football team. A TERRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAM. This is not a point that can be emphasized enough. A bunch of dudes (even the word 'team' is giving them too much credit) who are INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE at playing the game of football.
Jon Kitna is a miserable human being. He perpetually looks like someone held his head to a giant grindstone, shearing all the flesh off of it, and it's only just finished growing back in a cruel, agonizing parody of humanity. He looks even more like this after he's had his face planted in the turf by the opposing team for the 8 THOUSANDTH TIME IN A GAME. Seriously, how horribly familiar are we all with the image of some fat blob of an opponent lumbering forward unchecked, grabbing Kitna around the ankles, causing him to pitch forward comically as though a giant zip-tie has just cinched his lower legs together? And then BAM, facemask filled with bits of grass and discarded dignity.
EVEN SO, things might be different if the Lions receivers were capable of catching any pass other than a perfect spiral delivered softly and directly into the palms of their waiting hands. THEY ARE NOT. And sometimes they even miss those! Do they ever sit in the lockerroom and wonder how other teams do it? How other groups of receivers manage to catch less-than-110%-perfectly-thrown footballs on a semi-regular basis? Does this not INTRIGUE them? Because I can't shake the feeling that they just shrug their shoulders and assume that the rest of the league is filled with strange, magical creatures that they, as mere mortals, cannot be expected to emulate. IT ISN'T TRUE, RECEIVERS. YOU TOO CAN BE PRECIOUS LITTLE PEGASUSES.
Why did I even watch this? Why do I continue to watch this trainwreck of a pisspoor excuse for a football team???
It's like an abusive relationship, and the Lions are the hideous, abusive boyfriend who beats you (the fan) up every Sunday without fail. But he doesn't even whisper misleading sweet nothings in your ear the rest of the week to make up for it and keep you chained to him by the cruel rope of undeserved love! No! You are so far gone that the cajoling words of love are ONLY IN YOUR OWN HEAD, and the abusive guy calls you a nasty slut and goes out to a strip club with his friends instead of returning your calls and you STILL STICK WITH HIM, why? Why???? IT'S NOT LOVE. You don't know! He never treats you right and he sleeps with other girls (and probably other guys too, we know about your sick "friendship" with Brett Favre, Lions!) and hits you about the face betweentimes, but you CAN'T TEAR YOURSELF AWAY, because THAT'S HOW IT IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A LIONS FAN RIGHT NOW.
What about the offensive line? WHAT OFFENSIVE LINE? Rick DeMulling makes me VOMIT UP MY SPLEEN. I need that spleen, DeMulling! Why do you do this? WHY??
Clint Stickdorn? WHAT THE HELL IS A CLINT STICKDORN????? Is this a real football player who is really on our real roster or is he A FIGMENT OF MY FEVERED, ABUSED IMAGINATION?
Why aren't we playing Dan Orlovsky???? Jon Kitna has nothing to offer us. We would need a quarterback who cries Grey Goose vodka tears and pisses liquified gold to make the kittenish paws of our receiving core receptive to the football; we need a quarterback who is half man, half MANTICORE; that isn't Jon Kitna. It isn't Orlovsky either but who cares?? WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE EXCEPT FOR OUR DIGNITY. OH WAIT.
At this point in the season people in other cities talk about running games, and I stare at them like they're claiming a goddamn Tyrannosaurus rex is running around their backyard eating complacent suburban squirrels. In Detroit this mystical creature is long since extinct. The University of Michigan is heading some really groundbreaking archaeological expeditions to exhume the fossilized bones of the running game. They've found petrified mud with cleat tracks in the banks of the Detroit River. There are rumors that such a creature once roamed the earth and breathed the air, but right now it's just academic speculation. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT A RUNNING GAME LOOKS LIKE.
Also!
MIKE WILLIAMS IS TERRIBLE AT FOOTBALL AND AT LIFE.
MERRY FREAKIN' CHRISTMAS!Labels: Clint Stickdorn, football, Jon Kitna, Lions, loss, Mike Williams, NFL, rant, Rick DeMulling, terrible
12:16 AM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Hour and a half 'til we get going. Damn. What do you even say? The entire state's kind of stunned right now; the campus is simultaneously boisterous and subdued. There were loud drunken choruses of Hail to the Victors all up and down my street around 2 am last night, but it's silent right now.
Someone put some yellow flowers on top of the little University sign in front of Schembechler Hall.
You want to say that if we lose now it doesn't matter any more than if we had lost before this happened, but of course that's not true. We'll feel worse. Because it's already hard to feel great going into a game when something like this has just happened. There's a reason Ohio State is ranked number 1 and we're ranked number 2. The game's in Columbus. I don't feel great about it. I was OK with that, was just hoping we could keep it close enough to make a case for getting another shot at them in the BCS title game. Now? It's going to be hard to take any kind of loss with such equanimity.
I don't know. Heading over to my tailgate soon. It's at the same house we've been going to all season.... right across from the Stadium. I wonder if they have something up on the big signs. Probably do. If there's some kind of memorium, we can probably see it from the back porch.
I'm sure there'll be more to say after the game.
Go Maize. Go Blue. Win.Labels: Bo Schembechler, Buckeyes, football, in memory, Michigan, NCAA, OSU, rivalry, Wolverines
2:02 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
OK, this is priceless.
The University just sent us all an email about the Michigan/OSU game this weekend and how you can go to their big sponsored tailgate if you're in Columbus for the game and whatnot. That was just the very beginning of the email, though. The rest of it was a list of things to do and not do if you are a Wolverine going to watch the game in Ohio.
I shall reprint the list here, for your amusement.
We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:
--Try carpooling to the game; if possible, drive a car with non- Michigan license plates.
--Keep your Michigan gear to a minimum, or wait until you are inside the stadium to display it.
--Stay with a group.
--Know and obey the laws regarding alcohol use.
--If you are of legal age to drink, use alcohol in moderation. Stay in the blue.
--Stay low-key; don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
--If verbally harrassed by opposing fans, don't take the bait.
--Avoid High Street in Columbus.
If at any time you feel unsafe, you should call 9-1-1 for assistance. U-M campus police also will be available in Columbus to support our fans. You may call them with non-emergency concerns at (734) 216-9159.
I think this mostly speaks for itself, but still.
Now, I won't say that if the roles were reversed, the game was this big and it was in Ann Arbor, some of these things being warned against wouldn't happen to OSU fans. It's a college campus, there are ALWAYS going to be at least a few kids acting like wankers. A car with Ohio plates might get keyed, a guy wandering around near the frats wearing red and gray might get a beer tossed on him-- ESPECIALLY if the Buckeyes were representing after the game and Michigan had just lost.
But this list... man, I just could not help it. I cracked up. Try to blend in!! Don't wear attention-getting colors!!!! Stay with a group!!!!!! DO NOT STRAY ALONE! OHIO STATE FANS, MUCH LIKE THE BLOODTHIRSTY LION, PREY UPON THE WEAK AND THE ALONE!
My friend Meg called me earlier to bitch about the art school (an activity we have occasion to indulge in all too often out here) and asked if I'd read the email. "Can you believe that?" she asked. "What the hell is all that about?"
"They're Ohio State fans, Meg. They're animals."
We laughed, but dude, reading this list? Seeing the fear for their students (and alums) stamped across the faces of University officials? I'm not so sure I can call that a joke.
Also, the injunction to simply AVOID AN ENTIRE STREET? Freaky. I've never been to Ohio; what's this mysterious "High Street"? Is it like a warzone? Is there some red-and-gray-clad gang that's claimed that street for their own, ruling the black market organ trade, drug flow, and prostitution rings based there with a meaty, cabbage-scented fist? I am frightened, but intrigued.
Oh, and that image up at the top there is something I drew for a Chanukah card one year. I just use it here because, well, it's a Wolverine, and festive, if inappropriately so. I'll try to whip up some UM vs. OSU kind of drawing soon, if the work I have to do doesn't destroy my soul beforehand.Labels: Buckeyes, football, humor, list, Michigan, NCAA, OSU, rivalry, Wolverines
10:12 PM
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Ah ha, I nearly forgot-- the last home game of the season was this past Saturday (all the photos from it are right here), and many disturbing things happened, like Mike Hart fumbling for a safety, and Michigan struggling inexplicably against Ball freakin' State, and a hilarious fight in our section.
But none of those things are the best bit.
The best bit is who was on the field, schmoozing with the band director before the game, and then up on a ladder conducting the band at halftime.
PATRICK FREAKIN' STEWART!
The Royal Shakespeare Company was in town, putting on a series of shows at the Power Center. I didn't get tickets to any of the plays (sold out like woah), but I did get to see a lecture from their design team. And then suddenly at the football game, THERE WAS PATRICK STEWART! On the field! In my stadium! Saying, "Beat Ohio State! Make it so, Number One!" to delirious cheers from the student section.
My joy was dorktastically unbounded.Labels: football, Michigan, NCAA, Patrick Stewart, Wolverines
8:42 AM
Monday, November 06, 2006
That Patroits game was supremely frustrating. My hatred of Peyton Manning and his pantheon of advertisements grows daily. Plus it was painful for my brain to handle all of the former-Wolverine-on-former-Wolverine action when Tom Brady went up against Cato June. Oh, and seeing Adam Vinatieri in that blue and white was a great deal more agonizing than I had thought it was going to be. So let's move on.
First off:
Forward down the field,
A charging team that will not yield,
And when the Blue and Silver wave,
Stand and cheer the brave!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
Go hard, win the game.
With honor you will keep your fame.
Down the field and gain
A Lions Victory!
GOOOOOOO LIONS!
Don't get to write THAT very often.
This was especially enjoyable, given the fact that the last time I had seen the Lions play the Falcons was Thanksgiving of last season, where Michael Vick ran all over the field, dancing here, trotting there, hither and indeed yon, making out with Jim Mora Jr. on the sidelines, doing whatsoever he pleased, so on and so forth. So it was very, very, VERY nice to see the Lions manage to come out on top. All you need to win is a team that has a passable defense and some small modicum of belief in their ability to play football, and a coach whose head is not actually encased within the humid confines of his own lower large intestine while on the field. Who knew?
And so I am proud of the Blue Cats. I am proud of Jon Kitna for playing with what looked like a giant red slug eating his face (and I have no idea when he sustained that; I was dropping my friend off at the airport for part of the game, but I happily DID get to hear the vaguely uncomfortable comments by the announcers about how 'welt-y' it looked near the end). I am proud of the defense for stepping it up and holding on even without their best player. I am proud of Kevin Jones for trying to be a little bit more like Mike Hart every day. I am proud of Mike Furrey for EXISISTING-- in fact, this is a whole separate future entry on its own.
I am not proud of Dre Bly for still insisting on trying to make tackles by slapping at opposing players with his open palms instead of, you know, actually throwing his body at them.
My ire is really reserved for a perhaps unlikely target. I know he's a good player; I know he has potential to be an Amazingly Great Football Player Who Catches the Football Amazingly Well with His Amazing Good Hands. I know he's only 24. I know his arm socks give him extra ball-catching p0w3rzzZZZz and Attitude Points (disclaimer: not an actual stat).
But GODDAMMIT Roy Williams, STOP CELEBRATING AFTER FIRST DOWNS.
You score a touchdown, FINE. You're young, you're exciteable, the Lions are not exactly the biggest offensive powerhouse out there. A touchdown is a time for celebration, within reason. But a first down is (supposed to be) a commonplace occurrence in this game which you are playing, you know, American football, with American football rules, where first downs happen all the time, YOU KNOW THIS ROY.
So when you make a first down, stand up, PULL AN IMAGINARY ARROW FROM AN IMAGINARY HOLSTER ON YOUR BACK, AND FIRE IT DOWN THE FIELD FROM AN IMAGINARY BOW, you are saying one of two things.
Roy Williams' intended message possibility #1:
My team is so freakin' pathetic that we have to sarcastically celebrate first downs, because we will have no other occasions to celebrate during this game. We are barely even a real football team.
Roy Williams' intended message possibility #2:
Hey opposing team, I am showing you up after this relatively low-impact play, because I am an immature cloacaface. Eat my Honolulu Blue and Silver jock.
Quite frankly, neither one of these are messages that Roy should want to be conveying. And this is not first time he's celebrated after a first down either... this time it was just even MORE worth bringing up because he went so far as to FIRE AN IMAGINARY ARROW DOWN THE FIELD. Holy FREAKIN' cats, Roy. Chad Johnson watched you do that, shook his head, and said to himself, "Damn, that kid's a little too excited out there."
That pissed me off at the time, and the more I think about it, the worse it looks. I really don't know why the refs haven't hit him up for excessive celebration already, except I guess it's possible he's catching even the refs off guard... who expects excessive celebration after a first down conversion? Maybe they're too busy laughing at how pathetic it is.
Still. The Falcons aren't a nothing of a team. It's not like we beat the Cardinals (also known as the only team in football worse than the Lions are right now), or even a team keeping badness pace with us, like the Steelers (HA!). And we HAVE had a lot of near-miss games, although that's a little misleading, since usually the games turn into near-misses because the Lions manage to shoot themselves in the paw before the end.
The surprising part about this win was not so much that the Lions played well; it was more the fact that the Lions DIDN'T forget that they have to play all 4 quarters somewhat cleanly.
Anyways. Two-and-six. The season of dreams is NOW!Labels: football, Lions, NFL, rant, Roy Williams, win
12:28 PM
Monday, October 16, 2006
Shock! Awe! Amazement! Seriously, what?
The Lions, uh, won. Uh.
In the grand scheme of apocalyptic football happenings this is not even that far up there. There are probably those who would say that the Lions had to win at some point. The thing is, no they did not. There is no law in the NFL stating that any given team has to have at least one win on their record by the end of the season and the Lions are masters at finding ways to lose. The announcers on Sunday even referred to this in a roundabout way; they called it "Jon Kitna's disappointing 4th quarter numbers so far".
The players say that they care, and at the start of the season it certainly seemed like they cared more than they have in previous years, now that they are free from the soft, lip-tremblingly emo tyranny that apparently was Joey Harrington, but they were still FUNDAMENTALLY the Lions and, therefore, finding ways to lose.
Take last week. I was watching the game with my roommate's boyfriend, Derek. The Lions were lined up, I guess probably in the 4th quarter, and Derek says, "Watch, this one'll be intercepted." Lo and behold, Kitna throws an interception. We both groan, and Derek basks momentarily in his play-calling abilities. BUT WAIT. A flag! "Maybe it'll get overturned," Derek says, in that horrible state of mock-hopefulness in which all Lions fans must dwell in order to remain sane.
"Nah," I say. "Just you wait, it'll be offensive holding on us."
Lo and behold.
That's how bad the Lions are. It is getting so that fans can ACTUALLY PREDICT, play-by-play, ways in which they are going to conspire to lose the game.
So this game, this win, was a surprise. Not necessarily the fact that they were up early, or that they looked like a Real Football Team in the first few quarters. The shocking bit came from the fact that the Bills closed the gap to 3 points... and the Lions held on for the win. If there was one thing that the season thus far had taught us it was that this was impossible. Not just impossible, but unpossible, so impossible that it wasn't even a real word. "The Lions" and "holding onto a lead" were just incompatible ideas. They were oil and water. They were gametes from different species. They just did not go together.
But now the Lions have won a game, and they have won it despite the opposing team feinting in the direction of a late-game comeback. The gametes from different species have mixed and we have our mule. It may be sterile, but by god, it's alive and walking around and eating hay.
I don't know. The universe is a different place today. The Tigers are going to the World Series, Michigan is undefeated, and the Lions have won a game. The only thing I know for sure is, if you're the Buffalo Bills, you're feeling real shitty right about now.
Ah, and I guess I didn't post this, but I was of course at the Michigan/Michigan State game, and the photos from that are all right here. Highlights include shameless Zoltan photography, a cameo by Mike Wallace, and the return of the giant inflatable penis. Good times, good times.Labels: football, Lions, NFL, win
8:17 PM
Sunday, October 01, 2006
The jug is ours! The jug is ours!
You know, it's funny. I don't actually care much about Minnesota one way or the other. I mean I don't have any particular burning hatred for the state or the school. Certainly it's nothing like what I feel for Notre Dame or Michigan State or Ohio State.
But I REALLY want that jug. The team, eh, whatever, not a huge rivalry, but I WANT THAT LITTLE BROWN JUG. It was OURS to start with and it should REMAIN OURS. It was bad when we lost it last year in Ann Arbor and Laurence Maroney (now of the Patriots) planted their flag at our midfield. That was a bitter, bitter feeling. But worse yet was the loss of the Little Brown Jug, seeing the filthy Golden Gophers carting it away.
It's back in the hands of its rightful owners today.
And did Mike Timlin seriously blow a good game by Wake today? I can't even. Dude. WHY WON'T THIS SEASON END ALREADY? The agony is getting harsh.Labels: football, little brown jug, Michigan, NCAA, Wolverines
5:59 AM
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