Thursday, July 28, 2005
Harry Potter and the Boston Red Sox
Because I do believe we all could use a little break after the two extra-innings games and the one hairy 9th inning game we just suffered through, all against the lowly Devil Rays. I think there are still some Sox fans out there huddled in the corner crying over Matt Clement (although all indications are that he's going to be OK, thank cats); that, along with all the insanity of trade rumors and Manny sulking and whatever, is enough to drive anyone mad.
So, as usual, here at Blue Cats and Red Sox we turn to bad photoshopping. And I just finished my second run through Harry Potter VI, so.
Harry Potter: Manny Ramirez
Harry's not very good at the school stuff, but the one thing he is good at (Quidditch), he is wicked good at. See: Manny, hitting. There's also the whole 'saving the world' thing, be it from Lord Voldemort or from another year of World Series disappointment. They're both prone to occasional childish outbursts. Oh yeah, and the crazy uncontrollable hair.
Ron Weasley: Doug Mirabelli
Because they're not real spectacular on their own, but when you get right down to it they're the best backup you could ever want. Plus they're both sort of awkward and not nearly as loved by the ladies as the guys they're backing up (Harry, Varitek).
Hermione Granger: Johnny Damon
I know Hermione's the clever one and Johnny is most definitely not any sort of superbrain (or even regular brain), but bear with me here. There are the copious amounts of hair to consider, but more importantly the fact that Hermione is a bit mouthy most of the time. I think we can all see where that one's going. I probably could have done Curt Schilling too, but that photoshop disturbed even me.
Ginny Weasley: Kevin Youkilis
The quiet kid in the back that no one expects much from, who surprises everyone by being much better at everything than people expected. Of course we weren't really surprised by Youks, because we're insane Boston fans and know our minor leaguers almost as well as we know our major leaguers. Still, you see what I mean.
Draco Malfoy: Derek Jeter
Spoiled rich kid who's kind of too pretty, to the point of being feminine. Not that I think Jeter's pretty, but Gryffindors probably don't think Draco is pretty either. Pureblood wizard, True Yankee. Probably overrated. This one was almost too easy.
Hagrid: Kevin Millar
Big and dumb, but funny and well-meaning. Sort of a retarded older brother/helper/good buddy figure to Harry/Manny. Also: absurd hair.
Professor Snape: Alex Rodriguez
Complete mercenary (zing!). Greasy hair accompanied by one really prominent and annoying facial feature (overlarge nose, purple lips). Almost everyone in the entire universe hates them, except for Slytherins/Yankee fans, and probably even some of those hate them as well. Much to everyone's annoyance, they're still both really, really, sickeningly good at what they do (make potions, play baseball). Both have a slight air of the snivelling coward about them. Both really want one job but are forced to step aside into a similar, but lesser job (Snape wanting to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts and being shunted aside into Potions; A-Rod wanting to play shortstop and being shunted aside into third base). Also: EVIL.
Professor Dumbledore: Terry Francona
There's the whole 'presiding over the madhouse' thing, but even beyond that is the fact that both are leaders for the forces of Good, and both have wicked senses of humor.
And just for the heck of it, if the American League was Hogwarts, here's what Houses I think, in my deranged little mind, the various teams would fall into.
Boston Red Sox
Chicago White Sox
Toronto Blue Jays
Kansas City Royals
New York Yankees
Rally Monkey Angels
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
That's got nothing to do with how good or bad a team is, it's just how I see their 'personalities'. Although Hufflepuff did end up kind of sad and pathetic.
If I hadn't cemented my position in your mind as a complete and utter dork, I just did so now.
A great big homerun
For Alex Cora. But wait:
Castig says Joey.
Yeah, I was in the car when that happened, so I didn't get to see it. Didn't get to see Dougie's stolen base either. I was pissed.