Sunday, May 06, 2007
It is time.
If you've been following baseball for a while, you know that every year Major League Baseball takes a new set of roster photos during Spring Training. And if you've been reading BCRS for a bit, you know that these roster photos usually come out TERRIBLY, in the grand tradition of driver's license photos and the like, and it is one of the sworn blogging missions of BCRS to expose these terrible photos, ruthlessly making fun of them until such time as MLB should hire a photo day photog who uses proper lighting and manages to avoid making half the players who come through look high (regardless of whether they are or not).
Please bear in mind the usual disclaimer: all these photos are from the official MLB site and are directly linked, so they WILL change year to year and as guys switch teams. The images you see may no longer correspond exactly to the comments if you are viewing this in an archived form. But I am OK with this, because it lends an air of strange surreality to the whole thing, and also reassures you all of the happy laziness of bloggers.
Are you ready? I'm ready. It is time for
Fun with Roster Photos! Boston Red Sox, 2007
We're off to a quality start. Beckett looks unaccountably ruddy (from... THE EVILS OF DRINK?), and the bags under his eyes indicate that he hasn't slept for days. Exactly where we want him to be when he shows up for Spring Training! I assume he's recovered by now.
Block head, 5 o'clock mustache shadow. Hawt.
Oh lord. He seems to have no lower lip, like his teeth end and some sort of epic chin begins. Does it hurt to chew on your own chin? Only Devern Hansack can know.
Nervous smile, one eye open more fully than the other... you can just imagine the photog holding up a puppet to try to get Daisuke to smile for the camera, only the puppet is of a disemboweled spleen and Daisuke is kind of terrified, but trying to smile as directed so he can make a quicker escape.
SCARY PLASTIC PUPPET MAN
First real-life LOL of the exercise for me. Why does he only have hair on one side of his head? Why is his neck so enormous? Why does he look like he started to smirk, but then was startled by an unexpected flash of light?
The clear-eyed toothy grin of someone who gets a real serious kick out of rooting through your garbage cans.
Is it really SO HARD to tell these guys to smile? IS IT, MLB PHOTOGRAPHER? IS IT??
Wow, he looks bedraggled here. I think it's the stubble, and the tired expression. Maybe he can go play the homeless straight man to Joel Pineiro's homeless crazy man.
A tan clown without his clown makeup on. And without eyebrows. I'm not sure whether to blame him, his hair color, his hat, or the photographer for that one. Maybe a little fault for everyone.
Jesus christ. Not the bobble-headed alien of yesteryear, Julian now seems to have an actual neck, which has most certainly been filled with illegal smoke some time right before this photo was taken.
Not too bad, actually, in the grand scheme of things... although Wake does end up looking a bit like an apple-cheeked affable hick here.
A frog-eyed stare directly into your soul. Continuing in the frog theme... no teeth!
Why the turtleneck, 'Tek? 'Cause if you were aiming to make your neck look as huge as your thigh, congratulations, you've found the perfect way to do it.
Wow, he looks like a Ferengi. A really friendly, happy one, but a Ferengi nonetheless. And I wonder about that tiny smudge of facial hair nestled under his lip... does he even know it's there?
What in the hell is an Eric Hinske and what in the hell is it doing on my team? Take it away. It's frightening the children.
Awkward, close-mouthed smile, check. Oddly misshapen-looking goatee, due to aforementioned 'smile', check. Harsh lighting that highlights the bags under his eyes, check. The goatee is also freakishly black, instead of Lowell's usual charming salt-and-pepper look, but I think we have to blame Lowell himself for that. PUT DOWN THE JUST FOR MEN, MIKE LOWELL. YOU'RE MUCH BETTER LOOKING WITHOUT IT.
Infielder, or small rodent? You decide!
Poor Dustin already has a kind of jaw-heavy face. The slightly lowered angle from which this (and all these roster shots) was taken just makes it worse. Buttchin makes an appearance.
I'm sorry, but I can't even look at Youk anymore these days. His goatee looks like something Photoshopped onto his face. It's ridiculous. I literally can't handle it. My mind refuses to believe that it is real.
David Ortiz does not photograph well from head-on, when he's only got half a smile in place, and his eyes seem to be focussing on something a thousand miles into the distance.
Woah... dude... like, woah... I so totally was not expecting you to, like, take a photo and shit... I mean woooaahhh...
If Eric Hinske and JJ Putz made sweet, sweet love and had a biologically improbable baby...
Wily Mo Pena
Ha ha, well, we know that Wily Mo's neck really IS that huge, but the one eyebrow up/one eyebrow down thing is hilarious. Why? Did the photog ask him a really weird question and Wily Mo's all, "Say whaaat?" We may never know.
.... I swear to cats this is Manny's roster photo from last season. Which makes me think he just didn't show up for Photo Day this year which... well, it's very Manny.
Ahhh, it's nice to revisit these. It is good to know that rosters may come and go, management may change, but roster photos are always terrible, year in and year out. It's something we can all count on.
(note: if you're having trouble seeing a lot of the banners and icons and things on this site... well, it looks like the server I have 'em on is having some issues. Hopefully it's temporary. If not, I'll move stuff, but for now I'm waiting for it to resolve)
Labels: fun with roster photos