Sunday, December 25, 2005
If you thought you were getting away without a special Chanukah event here at BCRS you, my friends, were sadly mistaken.
Last year we did the 8 Days of Jewish Baseball (still found on the sidebar if you wish to revist them), and for something similar you can visit Roar of the Tigers every day this Chanukah, as I'll be writing up the 8 Nights of Jewish Tigers. Night One you might recognize as one of the ballplayers profiled last year (Al Levine), but as I can only think of 3 recent former Tigers who are Jewish, we'll be delving into historical fun soon enough.
Fear not, however, Red Sox fans who don't give a kreplach about other teams! I have a holiday event that will be going on over here 'specially for you.
This year, we will be telling the story of Chanukah... Red Sox style! Oh yes. Each night of Chanukah I will post another installment in the story.
Tonight we start off with The Cruel Reign of Steinbrennochus.
Many, many years ago, in the land of MLBea, an evil king named Steinbrennochus ruled. Steinbrennochus was a cruel leader, oppressing the Red Sox people as a matter of course. He did not share in their beliefs, holding fast instead to a polytheistic religion whose gods had barbarous names such as Money, Free Agents, Greed, Turtlenecks, and Derek Jeter. Not content with his own group of followers, he wanted the Red Sox people to give up their own traditions and customs, and to allow themselves to be subsumed by his odious culture.
As all dictators do, he detested the freedoms of those around him, specifically the Red Sox people, and wished to squash them. He passed bans on their ancient and beloved customs, such as the melodious singing of Sweet Caroline or the broadcasts of their worthy priests, Don and Remy. He took from them the channel of NESN and the Whiner Line. He would not let them study their holy books, outlawing the possession of official Red Sox scorecards and Faithful.
Instead he put forth edicts requiring the people to sing songs of his own liking (foul heathen tunes like "New York, New York") and forcing all to watch terrible things like the YES network. His own priests he promoted and put in charge of leading services which all were required to attend, so that all his subjects were forced to hear the deranged ramblings of Michael Kay and the ear-splitting homerish shrieks of John Sterling.
The might of Steinbrennochus was great, and his armies were legion. Some of the Red Sox were swayed by the chintzy glamor of the city which housed his palace, the power of his offense, and the gold he showered upon his favorites. They renounced their Red Soxdom and followed the ways of Steinbrennochus. They dressed in starched, pinstriped clothing and their hair was close-shorn, and in their eyes were tiny little dollar signs.
Sometimes even prominent members of the Red Sox community felt the pressure of Steinbrennochus and weakly succumbed to his will. Chief among these were the craven Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon.
And yet, even in the midst of this dark time, there was hope for the Red Sox believers! That hope came in the form of a band of four brave teammates who stood together against the tyrannical ways of Steinbrennochus and formed the fighting rebel group who came to be known as the Soxxabees.
Tune in again tomorrow night for Part II of the tale, Rise of the Soxxabees.