Sunday, April 02, 2006
It's the most wonderful time of the year! And I don't mean the impending end of the semester and finals, which is why it's been a bit sparse over here lately. No, I mean Opening Day in mere hours. And on top of that, the new roster photos are finally out (took 'em bloody long enough). I think we all know what new roster photos mean around here.
Fun with roster photos 2006!
Note for a reminder: as these are linked directly from the site, the images will change when the team changes them, making the comments possibly no longer applicable. I find this amusing and also am too lazy to upload every single one to a Photobucket account, so you will learn to love it as well.
Pitchers
 Abe Alvarez
Oy. Not a good start to the new season of roster photos. He looks unaccountably ruddy, and also rather like his head is sinking backwards into his neck.
 Josh Beckett
Listing to the left like a bad drawing done on a tilted table.
 Matt Clement
So, since when did the Easter Island statues develop anorexia? And I love how they've overemphasized his neck here, just to remind us how scrawny he can sometimes look.
 Manny Delcarmen
Holding that smile with all his might, lest he burst into the hysterical nervous tears he so clearly wants to burst into.
 Lenny DiNardo
In Lenny DiNardo's eyes, there is no soul. Only tiny narrow smile and BLACKNESS.
 Keith Foulke
So, uh, anyone seen that movie Slither yet? You know, the one with the giant glistening rubbery slugs?
 Craig Hansen
4:20! 4:20! 4:20! 4:20! I mean, Hansen always looks a little drugged-out to me, but this is ridiculous.
 Jon Lester
They've got to stop stealing store-window dummies and putting hats on them for the photoshoots if they players don't show up.
 Edgar Martinez
Will eat you. End of story. If there was a sound effect accompanying this photo, it would be "Hooowwaarrrgggh".
 Cla Meredith
This guy's only 22, right? So how the hell did the photographers manage to make him look like a washed-up French musketeer squinting from the glare off the highly polished muskets of his enemies?
 Jon(athan) Papelbon
"Yo. Whassup. J P-bon here. Rispekt."
 David Pauley
Someone's been spending a little too much time with Craig Hansen, methinks. Also featuring frighteningly dis-united eyes.
 David Riske
First literally 'laugh out loud' roster photo of the season. I couldn't help myself. Anyways, I'm sure he'd make a perfectly genial scarecrow for a farm somewhere.
 Curt Schilling
What's up with cropping it at the top of the frame? Curt attempts to retain his title as 'whitest man in the AL East'.
 Rudy Seanez
Melting... meeeeeelllllttttiiiiinnnggggg. And a tiny bit upset about that.
 Julian Tavarez
Oh my gawd. It looks like someone took a normal skull and compressed with a couple boards and some heavy rocks.
 Mike Timlin
It looks like he's had a rod shoved up his spine to hold him perfectly vertical. I wonder if they actually do this.
 Jermaine Van Buren
A hat precariously perched at the top of a mudslide.
 Tim Wakefield
Why does he look so damn narrow? It's like Alan Embree minus 80% of the sense that he'll molest your children.
 David Wells
Isn't this still his old roster photo? In any event, you can just imagine the photogs holding up a cupcake behind the camera. It would account for that tranquil yet focused look in his eyes.
Catchers
 Josh Bard
What the HELL is going on here? This is one of the most hideous photos I've seen in a while. The rounded, unformed smile... the weirdly darkened but still unsaturated skin on his cheeks... the plasticky look of his face... the eyebrows that look like they're struggling to do something, but we're not quite sure what... truly a work of art, this one.
 Jason Varitek
'Tek looks awfully happy about the fact that his photo was taken from a bust sculpted out of Spam.
Infielders
 Hee-Seop Choi
This is not a roster photo. Doesn't count. Moving on...
 Alex Cora
Those ears will help him fly around the infield all Dumbo-style to better reach high balls, clearly.
 Alex Gonzalez
Pull on his cheeks and his eyes will take that one extra step and slide over to the sides of his skull.
 Mark Loretta
They couldn't have waited the half second longer it would've taken to let him actually smile? As it is he looks like Elmer Fudd.
 Mike Lowell
Without those eyebrows and all that facial hair, he would not have a face.
 Alejandro Machado
Why, mummy, whyyyyy? *sob*
 David Ortiz
The one photo in existence where Papi looks pleasant yet is not smiling.
 J.T. Snow
Great, our new first baseman is fun for children of all ages. Just be sure you don't try to fit his head into the triangular hole, it'll only fit in the square one.
 Kevin Youkilis
Oh Youks. What have you done to yourself? It's like someone put a goatee on a side of ham and made it hang out with Mark Bellhorn for a weekend.
Outfielders
 Coco Crisp
Never one to disappoint with the hat tilt, now is he?
 Dustan Mohr
The happiest caveman in town!
 Brandon Moss
Now that the original Albino Cave Elf has retired, it looks like Brandon Moss is making a push to take over the title.
 David Murphy
I'd like to know which photog it was who decided to take a huge bite out of his right side.
 Trot Nixon
I never thought I'd see the day when a roster photo would deemphasize the buttchin. Yet here is Trotter, cleanshaven and inexplicably looking all of 12 years old.
 Wily Mo Pena
Why do so many roster photos feature necks that could lead full and rich lives of their own as completely separate entities?
 Manny Ramirez
You'd think with the amount of money he's making, Manny would have no reason to look like a homeless man. But you would be wrong.
 Adam Stern
Did they even bother to plug in lights for this photo shoot?
Also, I don't know if you all read Postsecret, but if you're not doing so, you should be, it's ace. I popped by today to see what there was to see, and lo and behold, there was THE BEST POSTSECRET EVER.
See for yourself.Labels: baseball, fun with roster photos, MLB, Red Sox
3:07 AM
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