Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I've been neglecting the features.
And, since I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, I figure it's a perfect time to address them. First off, the RantBlog is not dead, I've been working on it. It's just taking a bloody long time, since there are a great many Red Sox sites to go through, and I keep deleting huge swathes of it in fits of pique. So since that's not ready to go for tonight, we're going to resume one of our old favorites.
Yes, it's time for more Fun With Roster Photos!
Now, we’ve already got the Sox and their main AL East rival, the Yankees. We already have the Tigers, so it seems only appropriate that we do one of their AL Central rivals, who just happen to still be the best team in baseball. Everyone should know the faces of the best team in baseball, so this will be both fun and educational!
So, without further ado, I give you the Chicago White Sox.
Piggy eyes! Piggy eyes piggy eyes piggy eyes! Pity the very first photo has to be so completely terrifying, huh?
He’s not a Mariner, so we can’t call him the Ancient Mariner, but the Ancient White Sox doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. I wonder if he remembers the Black Sox scandal? He certainly looks old enough.
That’s about three hairs away from being a unibrow, that is. I’d say it was one and the MLB folk airbrushed it out, but it’s painfully evident that these people couldn’t use an airbrush if you gave them a year-long tutorial on it.
Never a good sign when your head shape most closely resembles a poorly wedged brick of clay.
It’s a marvel he can pitch so well even though he’s crosseyed, isn’t it?
Dustin, on the other hand, can evidently look in separate directions at once, like a chameleon.
There’s basically no contrast whatsoever in this photo. He has no features except for eyes. What the hell did they do, light it with shadow-killing fluorescents? Oh wait, they probably did.
Pale, skinny, poor complexion… yup, he’s getting wedgies from the bigger players in the lockerroom.
Me troll! Me eat bones! Me bang rocks with more rocks! Me eat McCarthy! Rargh!
I can’t be the only one terrified by his perfectly arched eyebrows. Like they were drawn with a protractor!
Piggy eyes part II. Also, his cheekbones look like they’re trying to explode out of his skin.
Wow, the Pillsbury Doughboy plays baseball! (why do I feel like I used that joke in a previous Fun with Roster Photos? oh well, too lazy to go back and look)
How he managed to mouth off to so many Giants with that teeny, tiny little mouth we may never know. (Who managed to spell his name without looking at any references? Ha ha, I rule.)
He looks so hopeful, I hate to disappoint him… but, Chris, you appear to be missing half your eyebrows. You also appear to have a dessicated catepillar dying slowly where your goatee should be. I'm so sorry.
The Neanderthal brow is always a wonderful addition to any color-washed-out portrait.
You smoke the weed after the photo shoot. After! How many times do we have to tell you guys?
Other than the obligatory washed-out color, this isn’t a terrible shot. He doesn’t really look too bad here. Congratulations, MLB photographers. Your thousand monkeys have written Shakespeare.
Is he wearing blush? He must be, to get any color at all in this blasted lighting. Oh Konerko, you big girl.
He either doesn’t have eyebrows at all (a la Mona Lisa) or he’s really, really startled.
Mmmm, pizza, piiiiizzzzaaaaaa… oh, uh, you’re taking a photo, what?
Seducing you with his bedroom eyes. Disturbing, but only mildly. A relative photographic victory.
He’s far too cool to look at the camera head-on, obviously.
If he didn’t have the goatee to tell us there was a distinction, his head would blend perfectly into his neck. Hooray bad lighting.
Either Podsednik has had cosmetic surgery to correct a harelip… or the photographers have made him look like he did. Either way makes him a special, special person.
No one should ever, ever take goatee-shaping advice from Kevin Millar. Shame on you, Rowand, shame on you.
And that's it. I've got nothing more to say, except that a 6-day suspension probably throws off your rhythym a bit, Jamie Walker is the most unexpected stud ever, and both offenses sucked tonight. There, that's it, I'm off to watch Baseball Tonight and some nice, soothing Dodgers/Giants, or whatever California matchup is on ESPN tonight. Hooray for baseball that won't make me want to cry.