Thursday, June 30, 2005
Off day, and I think we all know what that means.
Time for Fun with Roster Photos! Back to the AL East, we're tormenting the Orange Birds today.
Pitchers
 James Baldwin
Must be dangerous to have a water balloon for a head if you're a pitcher. What if you get hit by a ball? Won't your head explode?
 Daniel Cabrera
Pitcher, or Easter Island stone statue?
 Bruce Chen
It's a lollipop! It's a ball on a stick! Or it's Bruce Chen. Whichever.
 Jorge Julio
Why's that football player wearing a baseball hat? Shouldn't he have a Ravens helmet?
 Steve Kline
Ah hur hur hur hur. Dur hur.
 Rodrigo Lopez
One of those rare roster photos that cause me to burst out laughing when I first see them. Holy shit, RoddyLo. I love how his eyes are two different sizes.
 Hayden Penn
He's from California, but he still manages to look like an east coast kid trying and failing to look like a cool surfer dude.
 Sidney Ponson
Sidney Ponson: made of ham.
 Steve Reed
Why is it only ever the old guys with the porn 'staches? You never seem to see young players with them. Just to make it creepier?
 BJ Ryan
Holy cats, Jabba the Hutt plays baseball!
 Todd Williams
This is the face of a man who murders people in their sleep.
Catchers
 Sal Fasano
Look kids, a Keebler elf!
 Geronimo Gil
The patented MLB portrait smrimace: halfway between a smile and a grimace.
 Javy Lopez
I know he's on the DL right now, but still. Not bad, although there's a bit of a blockhead thing going on.
Infielders
 Chris Gomez
The Orioles on-field coaches had better watch out, lest a strong breeze carry him away.
 Melvin Mora
Because what fun are roster photos unless at least one player per team looks stoned?
 Rafael Palmeiro
He looks like he needs Viagra, doesn't he?
 Brian Roberts
Sorry Marianne, but he does look kind of like a startled, nonverdant Shrek here.
 Miguel Tejada
Mere centimeters from eyebrow unification.
Outfielders
 Larry Bigbie
The ungracefully-aging frat boy look.
 Jay Gibbons
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Oh my god. The triangular eyebrows! The highly bridged nose! The tiny, creepy mouth! The big watery eyes! This is a horrifying combination.
 Eli Marrero
I do wonder what the cameraperson said to give him that expression of combined confusion and sadness.
 Luis Matos
His dimples are going to implode his entire face.
 David Newhan
Is it just me, or are his eyes really, extremely, creepily pale?
 Sammy Sosa
Sculpted out of clay, then smashed in the face with a baseball bat.
Ladies and gents, your 2005 Baltimore Orioles.
Oh, and this is a plea not just for Tigers fans, but for all of Major League Baseball: Please, won't anyone think of the kittens??
5:16 PM
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