Thursday, December 07, 2006
The winter meetings are, I think we can all agree, endless amusement. Yes, there is the ridiculousness of some of the contracts offered (this year in particular) and the hilarity of watching grown men snark back and forth at each other while low-level ESPN peon # 206 makes up rumors just to see someone's boxer briefs get all in a twist. But there is more than that. The winter meetings are fun on an even more simple level, which can be summed up in one phrase:
"Baseball guys wearing what they consider to be business casual dress."
Heavens yes, this never ever EVER fails to be something you can laugh heartily at when large numbers of baseball people get together, because while a few of them might have their sartorial shit together (or at least their wives caught them before they made it out the door), you can be dead certain that plenty of them will not.
See, when they're on the field, they just wear the uniform, or their warmups, or some combination of those. These clothes are HANDED to them, so baseball players don't have a problem wearing them. And if an event's really formal, they can usually handle the concept of "suit and tie", although there are a select few who manage to bollocks that up as well. But the realm of 'business casual' is a dreaded one in the world of baseball. It's pretty evident that they, quite simply, have no freakin' idea what to do with themselves.
One of my favorite business-casual-confused ballplayers is of course Jon(athan) Papelbon, as pictured above, because there simply are not many events outside of painfully hipster outings, prep schools or nursing homes where argyle sweaters of that sort make sense, and to the best of my knowledge, Papelbon is neither hipster, nor prep student, and certain not octogenarian. Another repeat offender is Roger Clemens, whose collection of 'casual but not tshirt' shirts appears to have been put together by a sadist hopped up on psychotropic mushrooms.
But this is not about the players, because this is the winter meetings. This is about the managers, the GMs, the owners, the people who are OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER, but who still show up dressed to give us a laugh, because they are baseball guys, dammit, they weren't stylish in their day, and they're not going to start being stylish now.
Images are tiny so as to not overwhelm-- clicking them gets you to the marginally larger version.
Mike Hargrove, manager, Seattle Mariners
We'll start off slow. Hargrove's problem here is not the cut of the shirt, at least not as far as we can tell from this shot. The problem lies in the fact that it looks, subtly but undeniably, like the kind of fabric you'd find in your grandmother's living room. Pea green and what looks like muted, yellowed embroidery stripes.... that's not a shirt fabric, that's a fabric for upholstering the couch with.
Buddy Bell, manager, Kansas City Royals
If this shirt isn't shiny, and it's just the light... it doesn't matter, because the truth of the matter is that this is a shirt that WANTS to be shiny. It wants to be silver and gleaming and is almost exactly the same color as ol' Buddy's hair. Kids, it's generally not a good idea to match your outfit to your hair, unless your hair is neon pink and you're going for a Certain Look. Also, shiny shirts with open collars make me think of dance clubs. Impressionable children and managers would do well to never forget the hilarious disaster that was Justin Verlander in shiny purple (and, to his credit, at least Verlander seems to have since made progress in the right direction).
Bobby Cox, manager, Atlanta Braves
This outfit is not so much problematic as it is utterly perplexing. Cox, perhaps knowing his own limits, just decided to throw out all that 'business casual' bunk and wear a normal suit. Braves colors would be a nice touch on the tie, but these colors are, if not particularly topical, at least inoffensive. What confuses me here is how a simple suit can make Bobby Cox look EXACTLY like William Shatner. Because, damn. Seriously, how did that happen?
Brian Cashman, general manager, New York Yankees
I suppose it's not too hard to assume that working full-time for Steinbrenner is a stressful job. I'd imagine that, during the offseason, Cashman doesn't get too much sun. Which is cool, as someone who spends the bulk of the daylight hours holed up in a 10' x 10' cubicle box studio, I can understand. And light blue by itself might be OK, but a light blue shirt under that pale tan jacket is making Cashman look even more pale than he already does, if that's possible. Add in the fact that he looks as though he hasn't slept in about three weeks, and you've got a GM wandering around the hotel looking so sickly that no one (except for ladylike-glasses-chain-dude here) will want to come near him to work out a trade, because they'll be afraid of getting consumption if they get within spitting distance.
Bob Melvin, manager, Arizona Diamondbacks
I believe this pattern (or, more accurately, group of several patterns, laid eye-twistingly on top of one another) speaks for itself.
Joe Maddon, manager, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Another one that's not so much bad as it is baffling. Maddon does NOT look like a baseball guy here. He looks like he could be wandering around an art gallery. The outfit, the haircut, the artsy glasses... I don't know whether to be afraid or very impressed. I guess you have to take a different tack when you're working in Tampa Bay... the traditional ways obviously aren't working anymore.
Grady Little, manager, Los Angeles Dodgers and Eric Wedge, manager, Cleveland Indians
Double whammy of STYLE! Good old Grady Little looks like Miami Vice gone elderly, with his shrimp-pink shirt under grandfatherly pale gray jacket. Eric Wedge looks like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. I'm not sure what kind of look he was going for with the all black deal, but whatever it was, it's wholly neutralized by his slicked-up hair styling and homocidal grin. Grady, we know you aren't one to move very fast, so you'd better get a running start now while you still can.
Manny Acta, manager, Washington Nationals
The black-on-black gridded shirt over a black tshirt... the bald head... the giant neck... Manny Acta is mere steps away from being an actual bouncer at a nightclub. It's possible that this is actually a useful vibe to put out if you're dealing with baseball players up close and personal for a whole season; perhaps they respond better to this sort of thing than to a manager.
Brian Sabean, general manager, San Francisco Giants
Here is a very simple way to know when something's wrong with a shirt, gentlemen. Look at the shirt. Think to youself, "Would Roger Clemens wear it?" If the answer is yes, don't wear the shirt.
If Sabes had looked at himself in the mirror before leaving his hotel room, he would have realized that Roger Clemens would wear this shirt (seriously, is that a Greek square spiral pattern down the centers of those inexplicable white chunks? seriously?), and we could have avoided all this.
Kenny Williams, general manager, Chicago White Sox and Jerry Reinsdorf, owner, Chicago White Sox
This is one of my favorites. Kenny Williams is wearing a tolerable color (it's a little bright, but they are in Florida) that's ruined by the weird satiny cowboy-style embroidery down the front of the shirt. It actually looks better in this photo than it is, because he's standing next to Reinsdorf, who looks senile, or at least like he allowed a senile buddy of his to dress him for the day. He appears to be wearing a shell jacket. From the 80s. Along the lines of something like this. Chicago fans can be thankful that it's in White Sox colors instead of, say, lime green, but that's about all anyone can appreciate in this little number.
It also looks like Brewers manager Ned Yost showed up wearing the same shirt as Reinsdorf. Awkward!
Jim Leyland, manager, Detroit Tigers
I love him to pieces, but this lurid floral pattern on this curiously formal cut of shirt really does not work well on anyone, up to and including Jim Leyland. It doesn't help that he's got his hands going down the front of his pants (next time, ask your wife to get you some pants with pockets, Jim), but it's really the shirt that leads to laughter.
I dunno, Leyland just looks weird wearing anything other than a baseball uniform anyways... perhaps he was trying to have a little fun with it. Who can fathom the workings of his genius mind? Certainly not us mere mortals.Labels: baseball, humor, MLB, offseason, winter meetings
4:07 PM
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Things to be Thankful for
-Taking (the right to negotiate with) Daisuke Matsuzaka away from the Yankees.
-The slim yet still-present possibility of Michigan going to the BCS title game despite The Game Last Weekend of Which We Shall Not Speak.
-Turkey.
-The Colts losing.
-The removal of Gary Sheffield from the AL East (although this is, obviously, a bit of a double-edged sword for me... now that he's a Tiger, I've got to eventually wrap my mind around the concept of rooting for him. Haven't been able to do it yet).
-Getting to see Joey Harrington back in Ford Field (ha ha! ha. ha. oh god).
-Kevin Youkilis winning an imaginary MVP award, basically for being Jewish and not overtly failing at life.
-Tom Brady.
-Mike Hart.
-Bill Mueller.
-Mike Furrey.
-A psychotically entertaining, high-rolling offseason baseball free agent market.
-Jeff Garcia starting.... but not for the Lions.
-Coffee.
-Ha ha, if Papi can't have it, at least you can't have it either. Although seriously. Justin Morneau? Really? Did they just take the remaining names, after they'd weeded out Jeter, and pick one from a hat?
-A ballpark that's not named after a company of questionable merit... or any company, for that matter.
-The Tigers' 2006 season.
-The Red Sox 2004 season.
-Wolverines baseball taking the Big 10 title in the 2005 season.
-Knowing that, no matter what, at least I'm not attending Ohio State.
As per usual, my family will reserve giving thanks for anything until after we've sat through the Lions game. This is our tradition, and it works out well for us; if the Lions win, we can give thanks for that, and if they lose (as is far more likely), we can spend the entire ride home giving thanks for surviving yet another miserable game and not actually perishing in the stadium from sheer shame.
Gooooooo Lions! Hope springs eternal and all that. Happy Thanksgiving!Labels: holiday, humor, list, random
12:33 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
OK, this is priceless.
The University just sent us all an email about the Michigan/OSU game this weekend and how you can go to their big sponsored tailgate if you're in Columbus for the game and whatnot. That was just the very beginning of the email, though. The rest of it was a list of things to do and not do if you are a Wolverine going to watch the game in Ohio.
I shall reprint the list here, for your amusement.
We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:
--Try carpooling to the game; if possible, drive a car with non- Michigan license plates.
--Keep your Michigan gear to a minimum, or wait until you are inside the stadium to display it.
--Stay with a group.
--Know and obey the laws regarding alcohol use.
--If you are of legal age to drink, use alcohol in moderation. Stay in the blue.
--Stay low-key; don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
--If verbally harrassed by opposing fans, don't take the bait.
--Avoid High Street in Columbus.
If at any time you feel unsafe, you should call 9-1-1 for assistance. U-M campus police also will be available in Columbus to support our fans. You may call them with non-emergency concerns at (734) 216-9159.
I think this mostly speaks for itself, but still.
Now, I won't say that if the roles were reversed, the game was this big and it was in Ann Arbor, some of these things being warned against wouldn't happen to OSU fans. It's a college campus, there are ALWAYS going to be at least a few kids acting like wankers. A car with Ohio plates might get keyed, a guy wandering around near the frats wearing red and gray might get a beer tossed on him-- ESPECIALLY if the Buckeyes were representing after the game and Michigan had just lost.
But this list... man, I just could not help it. I cracked up. Try to blend in!! Don't wear attention-getting colors!!!! Stay with a group!!!!!! DO NOT STRAY ALONE! OHIO STATE FANS, MUCH LIKE THE BLOODTHIRSTY LION, PREY UPON THE WEAK AND THE ALONE!
My friend Meg called me earlier to bitch about the art school (an activity we have occasion to indulge in all too often out here) and asked if I'd read the email. "Can you believe that?" she asked. "What the hell is all that about?"
"They're Ohio State fans, Meg. They're animals."
We laughed, but dude, reading this list? Seeing the fear for their students (and alums) stamped across the faces of University officials? I'm not so sure I can call that a joke.
Also, the injunction to simply AVOID AN ENTIRE STREET? Freaky. I've never been to Ohio; what's this mysterious "High Street"? Is it like a warzone? Is there some red-and-gray-clad gang that's claimed that street for their own, ruling the black market organ trade, drug flow, and prostitution rings based there with a meaty, cabbage-scented fist? I am frightened, but intrigued.
Oh, and that image up at the top there is something I drew for a Chanukah card one year. I just use it here because, well, it's a Wolverine, and festive, if inappropriately so. I'll try to whip up some UM vs. OSU kind of drawing soon, if the work I have to do doesn't destroy my soul beforehand.Labels: Buckeyes, football, humor, list, Michigan, NCAA, OSU, rivalry, Wolverines
10:12 PM
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A brief science lesson for you.
Things which Devil Rays feast upon:
-plankton
-small crustaceans
-small fish
-Josh BeckettLabels: baseball, Devil Rays, humor, Josh Beckett, list, loss, MLB, Red Sox
11:03 AM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
THE CATCHER IS DEAD.
LONG LIVE THE CATCHER.Labels: baseball, Doug Mirabelli, humor, injury, Jason Varitek, MLB, Red Sox
1:19 AM
Monday, March 20, 2006
I suppose we've all heard by now about Joey and the great big Honolulu blue and silver boot hanging behind his rear. My uncle OF COURSE had to email me a link to the article where Joey was quoted as saying, "I hate everybody on this team and everybody hates me."
Right then. I suppose that about seals it, don't you think?
And so, with all due apologies to Robert Frost...
Two roads diverged in a bluesilver wood,
And sorry I could not travel both through
And be one quarterback, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent as goalposts do.
Then took the other, just as rare
And having perhaps the better claim
Because my name was not hated there;
Though as for my arm passing fair
My skills are really about the same.
And both that morning equally seem
Fields on which I should not take flak.
Oh, I kept the first for another dream!
Yet knowing how team leads on to team,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the team with less hatred nigh,
And that may not make a difference.
Argh.Labels: football, humor, Joey Harrington, Lions, NFL, poetry
1:25 AM
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