Wednesday, December 28, 2005
The story of Chanukah, Red Sox style, Part III: the Rebellion Begins
The Soxxabees soon learned that their numbers were small compared to the troops of Steinbrennochus, who had his men well-armed and richly clothed besides, so open warfare was not yet possible. They sent bands of men to skirmish against the Yankee battalions, often led by Ortiz, who had no greater pleasure in life than taking a pitcher in the employ of Steinbrennochus right out of the park. His slugging prowess was great indeed and many a soldier perished from the terror of his mighty bat.
Those who had been Red Sox people but had converted to the ways of Steinbrennochus out of seduction or fear began to drift back towards their Red Sox ways. They were sympathetic with the passionate rebels working out of Florida, for their ideals were humbling and admirable, and their devotion strong. Some snuck into Florida to bolster the forces of the Soxxabees, and many purchased pink bandwagon fangirl tshirts to fund their noble effort from afar.
At first Steinbrennochus was able to ignore the small skirmishes his soldiers got into on the outskirts of his lands, but as the Red Sox guerilla missions met with ever-increasing success, the Red Sox fighters grew more bold, and made advances which Steinbrennochus could not ignore, sometimes sending small bands into the very city to wreak havoc there.
And yet Steinbrennochus was complacent, having grown bloated with his wide kingdom and great success. He gathered his lieutenants about him and said, “Worry not, loyal soldiers, for these are mere peasants cowering in the wilds. They have not our numbers nor our resources and they grow bold from simple foolishness.” He ordered a small group of soldiers to go to the place where the Red Sox were hid, and to destroy them.
This the soldiers set out to do, and they were not able, for when they reached the spring training facility they found there people in far greater numbers than they had expected, more organized, more purposeful, and at their front four strong and powerful men (or three strong and powerful men, and Youkilis) whom all were willing to follow.
The group of soldiers was killed, and Steinbrennochus sent another small band of soldiers out after them, and they too met a bloody end at the barrels of the Red Sox bats and the tips of the Red Sox cleats and on the seams of the Red Sox baseballs. For Ortiz had but to raise his mighty bat and the Yankee soldiers fled cowering, pinstriped robes soiled; and Wakefield threw baseballs that dipped and dove and none knew where they were and the soldiers found themselves smashed upon the skull without even knowing from whence came that ball that smote them; and Varitek put on his glove and beat the general shit out of people; and Youkilis walked all over them with his cleats of terror.
And the Red Sox people were energized by the might of their leaders, the noble Soxxabees, and they thought to liberate their land from the iron and pagan fist of Steinbrennochus.
Steinbrennochus however remained at his ease, for he still thought the Red Sox weak and no match for his richly appointed Yankee followers. He continued to defile the Red Sox land with his priests and his blasphemous icons and his decrees against facial hair.
The Red Sox people however rose up, and Varitek spoke unto them, and he said, “My people, we shall retake our land and cleanse it of these swine, I swear it by this goofy hockey-style 'C' upon my chest” and the people cheered, and Gabatthius nodded sagely, with his foot in a big aircast, for it was right. The people took up arms and prepared to march upon the city.
Next time, Part IV, where the Soxxabees Storm MLBea!
Again, I seem to be posting these all late... but tonight I went to see Brokeback Mountain with some folks (it was very good). Tomorrow as you all should know is THE ALAMO BOWL, featuring Nebraska vs. THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN, so I have only this to say:
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE GO BLUE
WOLVERINES!
2:38 AM
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