Monday, June 06, 2005
How 'bout that Tigers game, huh? Mike Maroth gave up two earned runs (count 'em! 2!), yet the Orioles somehow scored 6. And so Blue Cats and Red Sox is proud (chagrined) to present:
A Tigers Comedy of Errors!
CAST
The Tigers
Mike Maroth, a pitcher
Chris Shelton, a first baseman
Brandon Inge, a third baseman
Carlos Guillen, a shortstop
Nook Logan, a center fielder
Vance Wilson, a catcher
Dmitri Young, a designated hitter
The Orioles
Daniel Cabrera, a pitcher
Rafael Palmeiro, a first baseman
Chris Gomez, a second baseman
Melvin Mora, a third baseman
Jay Gibbons, a right fielder
Ramon Nivar, a center fielder
Sal Fasano, a catcher
Also
Alan Trammell, a Tiger manager
Lee Mazzilli, an Oriole manager
Scene: Comerica Park, Detroit. A populous and verdant place in the midst of a sadly abandoned land.
ACT I
THE FIRST INNING
Ramon Nivar:
Lo, a single, I shall now make haste
To attempt to steal a second base.
I've no right to it, it is not mine,
But baseball's no fun if you don't hustle down the line!
Mike Maroth:
Stay the fiend, mow him down, my feline friends!
If he steals that base I cannot promise amends!
MIKE MAROTH throws the ball to CHRIS SHELTON, who throws it to CARLOS GUILLEN, who is covering second base. RAMON NIVAR is out.
Ramon Nivar:
Ack, I hath covered my uniform name
With the caught-stealing infield dirt of shame!
Later that inning, DANIEL CABRERA pitches to DMITRI YOUNG. CARLOS GUILLEN is already on base.
Daniel Cabrera:
This fellow at the plate is of an imposing size--
Pitching to him may not be most wise.
But I've confidence in my youth and my stuff,
For this cat my fastball will be far too tough.
Dmitri Young:
Bitch, please.
DMITRI YOUNG hits a violent homerun over the left field wall, scoring himself and CARLOS GUILLEN. From the dugout ALAN TRAMMELL sings.
Alan Trammell:
Yay, my team doth not wholly suck,
Maroth pitches well, Dmitri's good luck!
We've swept these birds once, we can take two again,
Let's just try to keep hitting, force use of their pen.
ACT II
THE FIFTH INNING
Rafael Palmeiro:
My joints now do ache, my bones now do creak,
Late at night with my wife my reaction's quite weak.
I'm an aging baseball player, that much is true,
But I can still hit a fastball down the middle or two!
RAFAEL PALMEIRO hits the ball. It dribbles into the infield and rolls towards first baseman CHRIS SHELTON.
Chris Shelton:
I am so very new, up here with the team I love.
It doesn't help that I can barely hold my glove.
I was called up for my bat, and everyone doth know it.
Oh no here comes a ball, I damn well better not blow it!
CHRIS SHELTON fields the ball, but falls over like a tipped cow at a Michigan State party. RAFAEL PALMEIRO is safe at first base.
Chris Shelton:
O woe is me! My fielding sucks the big one!
I just want to DH, this glove stuff is no fun.
Oh well, at this point, I guess we are still winning.
I can only hope we safely get out of this damn inning.
CHRIS GOMEZ singles. JAY GIBBONS comes to the plate.
Jay Gibbons:
I may be named after a monkey, and uglier than sin,
But I capitalize on errors, that's how we win!
JAY GIBBONS doubles, RAFAEL PALMEIRO scores.
Mike Maroth:
Not again, every time, I'm really fucking trying,
But the defense always does this; I just feel like crying.
I pitch well against the Orioles, it always goes this way.
They score runs on balls that are barely put in play.
Sal Fasano:
Uh oh I've hit a ground ball, that bodes rather ill.
It'll score the man on third but that's a bitter pill,
I know that I'll be out, the fielder gets to choose,
HARK! Unless I seem to have caught him on the snooze!
Gibbons to third! My slow self to second base!
An error on the third baseman is one good way to save face!
Brandon Inge:
OMG Mikey I am so sorry.
Mike Maroth:
Jesus fucking christ, why bother to keep pitching?
No matter what I do, in spite of Alan's bitching,
This goddamn defense always fails when I'm on the mound,
And now the O's have tied it, fuckers have a big rebound.
Ramon Nivar:
I'm terribly embarassed by what happened in the first,
Let me get a score in to show I'm not the worst.
RAMON NIVAR grounds out to CARLOS GUILLEN, JAY GIBBONS scores, SAL FASANO advances to third.
Melvin Mora:
Let me join the party! I'm really in the mood.
I've been annoyed since Boston fans saw to it I was booed.
MELVIN MORA singles, SAL FASANO scores.
Alan Trammell:
Mikey just gave up there, quite frankly I don't blame him.
I wish our defense'd catch the ball on more than just a whim.
That inning sucked more than a highly paid blonde wench,
And of course two huge bats are spending the night on the bench.
Lee Mazzilli:
Aha ha ha, I rule, that was all me, go me for managing the Orioles so well!
ACT III
THE SIXTH INNING
Chris Gomez:
I'll settle for a single, against this, my original team,
Although extra bases would be lovely as a dream.
Wow, looks like they're giving bases away!
Off to second I go, what a glorious day!
Carlos Guillen:
What can I say, my knee's awfully sore.
Wish I hadn't shown Gomez the revolving door.
That really was a rather ill-advised throw,
I'll have to join Shelton in his Land of Woe.
Later in the inning, NOOK LOGAN reaches first base on a bunt single to DANIEL CABRERA.
Daniel Cabrera:
What a cheap way to get on base, I really hate the bunt.
I'm a pitcher, not a fielder, about that I've been upfront.
Nook Logan:
We really suck today, Pudge and Rondell are both sitting!
I'm a skinny little speed guy, I can't do much strong hitting,
So I have to bunt the ball, it's how I get on base,
And once I'm there you can count on a great foot-race!
NOOK LOGAN steals second base.
Daniel Cabrera:
Oooo I hate it when they do that, it's quite disconcerting.
I'd be more worried if their offense wasn't already really hurting.
NOOK LOGAN steals third base.
Lee Mazzilli:
Aaaaaaarrggh Cabrera in my madness I command thee!
Strike out this next fellow, get us out numero three!
I may not be able to manage competently at all,
But I'm great at looking upset when the team starts to fall!
CARLOS GUILLEN grounds out.
Nook Logan:
Well guys, I tried, I honestly did.
I thought two stolen bases wasn't a bad bid.
But I can't score a run if no one drives me home,
Oh well, back out to center, the vast field I do roam.
Mike Maroth:
That's all well and good, but unless we do start hitting
It'll be my neatly-made bed that we're all so busy shitting!
ACT IV
THE SEVENTH INNING
SAL FASANO is on second base.
Ramon Nivar:
Last inning wasn't bad, but if I want to prove I'm good,
I think I'll keep on hitting, I know I really should.
Mike Maroth:
An ugly rolling grounder, right along the line,
For a cleanly fielded pop fly I will surely pine!
I have to field this by myself, and try to make the tag...
Alas! Too slow! He's safe on first, and now the tongues will wag.
Vance Wilson:
Shake it off Mikey, we've got more game to play.
There are still more pitches for you to throw this day.
Mike Maroth:
Damnit Vance I'm trying, you'll only make me pissed.
I know Pudge has to sit but when he does he's sorely missed.
Here! I'll throw your bloody pitch, and may you catch it square.
Oh great, that was fucking wild, I caught insufficient air.
Vance Wilson:
How can I catch if you throw it in the dirt?
There's a man running to second, we're in a world of hurt.
I'll try to throw him out, that's the catcher thing to do.
Shit I've thrown it into center field, what an awful stew!
Sal Fasano:
If you want to throw the ball away, please, be my guest!
I'll just be rounding home now. Man! This game's the best!
And thanks to that throw, in case you haven't heard,
My good buddy Ramon has made it on to third!
Melvin Mora:
He's on third base indeed, we cannot waste him there,
I'll hit a booming pop fly ball, I'll surely keep it fair.
A sac fly may not be the flashiest play to see,
But it's more than enough for a selfless guy like me!
MIKE MAROTH gives VANCE WILSON a Glare of Death. Alan Trammell tears at his remaining hair.
Alan Trammell:
God we suck tonight, and you can't even blame me!
I'll just keep telling myself at least it's not 2003.
EPILOGUE
IN THE CLUBHOUSE AFTER THE GAME
Dmitri Young:
What can I say, I had a real good night.
I homered, I doubled, I did it all just right.
But the double went for nothing because no one brought me in,
And with men left on base it's pretty fuckin' hard to win.
Mike Maroth:
I didn't pitch the whole game, but I pitched a solid eight.
That should've been enough, usually that's great!
Sadly there were six runs, 'tho only two were earned.
I feel like in this loss I was the one burned.
Chris Shelton:
In my defense, I think I have to declare
It's pretty scary to see Palmeiro charging you square.
Dmitri Young:
Dude, please tell me you're kidding, right?
He's got to be like 40, and barely 6 feet tall in height.
CHRIS SHELTON bursts into tears.
Brandon Inge:
There there, Chris, I can sure relate.
As we're both converted catchers I commiserate.
Well, sort of, cause really, Raffy's pretty lame.
But Dmitri, be nice, you won't help the poor kid's game.
Alan Trammell:
Alright guys, we lost, and we did it disgracefully.
But no more sniping please, it's not the Tiger way to be.
Practice your defense, swallow your sorrow,
And win the goddamn roadtrip that we start tomorrow.
FIN.
To cap this off, I think Camden Chat is poking fun at me, to which I say, Bring it on, avian bitches! You go on all feelin' cocky about your series victory, but every time you start to think fondly of the Tigers (which would be a very shortsighted view, considering, ahem, sweep), just let your Baltimorean minds wander over to this sort of image:
Detroit News photo
This is a man who has your number, and is not afraid to call it whensoever he pleases. This is a man who says, "Orioles? Whatever, I fry those suckers up and eat 'em for post-game snackies!" Sidney Ponson only wishes he was half as bad-ass as this man. Brian Roberts probably wets his sliding shorts at the mere sight of this man. The Camden Yards walls tremble at his approach. Your mom. Etc.
Anyways, I just kind of wanted to get that out there.
8:10 PM
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