Monday, February 28, 2005
I'm on spring break (yes, Michigan gives us spring break in February, no, no one knows why this is). I'm bored and waiting for dinner and very deliberately not writing my philosophy paper (yes, I have work to do over spring break. I'm in the art school, concepts like 'time off' and 'restful vacations' aren't in the curriculum). So you know what that means-- time to make fun of the Red Sox roster photos! If you want to relive the original madness you might want to reread the first of these entries, which made fun of the Detroit Tigers roster photos.
Pitchers!
 Abe Alvarez
I know. I know what this looks like. He wears his hat like this not as a C. C. Sabathia-style fashion statement, but because he's blind in one eye and it helps balance the light. I'll bet you feel bad for laughing at the photo now, don't you?
 Bronson Arroyo
Unfortunately this features neither the cornrows nor the current plethora of golden curls. It's like the MLB photographers said 'Let's take everything interesting about Arroyo, and remove it, leaving his prominent ears and I'm-growing-this-to-look-older goatee in greater prominence.'
 Matt Clement
This isn't his stock mugshot, which I think is unfair, because he looks relatively normal here.
This was his old mugshot. Much better. Note how the photographers managed to make him look like a retarded child suffering from cholera. If only Walmart's portrait photographers were this good.
 Lenny DiNardo
Blimey, get some color in that guy. He's so pale and washed-out and borderline-jaundiced here that it looks like his skin is actually wax.
 Alan Embree
It's everyone's favorite creepy chipmunk next door! "Give me the crabapples or I will molest your childrens."
 Keith Foulke
Keith Foulke: made of rubber.
 John Halama
Yeeeeaarrrrggghhhh! *runs screaming from the room* Seriously. The eyebrows. The crazy stubble. The small, piercingly psychotic eyes. THE EYEBROWS. This man, clearly, eats babies. And I don't mean veal.
 Byung-Hyun Kim
Look, we've got a middle school pitcher on the team! Aww, what a great kid. Maybe he can stop sucking and being an enormous waste of a contract this year! Wouldn't that be swell?
 Mark Malaska
The eyes shadowed by the hat brim? Good job, MLB photographers. Seriously guys, way to go. Also, he has a creepily tiny mouth. This photo gets more disturbing the more you look at it. I need to move on to another photo.
 Matt Mantei
Now that's what I'm talkin' about! A little square, and again the photographers appear to have placed his hat in the most awkward position possible, but Mr. Mantei is a welcome relief on the ol' optic nerves.
 Anastacio Martinez
I'm not sure they actually told him they were taking his picture here.
 Wade Miller
Steely Gaze of DEATH. I hope he's healthy this year, it would be great to watch opposing batters quake in their cleats as he stares down at them with this expression.
 Curt Schilling
I love how this photo simultaneously emphasizes the bags under Curt's eyes, and the fact that he's smirking. He's old and he's snarky, thanks for reminding us, MLB!
 Mike Timlin
I have to admit, I just now opened the window with Timlin's photo in it, and I burst out laughing. Seriously. Out loud. I couldn't help it. I think he's biting his lower lip. I think this one is hilarious. Anyways, moving on.
 Tim Wakefield
Woah, Wake uses self-tanning lotion? Disturbing. I don't want my knuckleball pitcher looking like a streaky-skinned sorority girl.
 David Wells
Again, not his stock photo, but I didn't search for it because a) I'm too lazy to dig through the billion pages of random people named either David, or Wells, or both and b) I'd have to flip through a lot of shots of him in pinstripes, and after a while that stuff just makes me ill. This is pretty funny anyways, I guess. Full beard + bald head = fashion faux pas. And giggles for the rest of us.
Catchers.
 Doug Mirabelli
I know that Mariano Rivera is and always shall be The Fruitbat, but Mirabelli here looks an awful lot like a frugivorous chiropteran. At least he doesn't have his godawful landing track goatee strip.
 Jason Varitek
Yup, the MLB photographers clearly did their damnedest to ruin Jason Varitek. The big ears, the smirky yet still confused expression, the completely invisible jawline--good work, MLB. Good work.
Infielders.
 Mark Bellhorn
Photo taken at 4:20. Also, possibly of a homeless man posing as Mark Bellhorn.
 Kevin Millar
I'm afraid I've seen this picture so many times with the chicken bucket photoshopped over the hat that I can no longer see it any other way. In any event, the scrofulous beard and vaguely unfocused eyes aren't helping Kevin out here.
 Bill Mueller
Just take a moment to gaze at this and enjoy it. The big blue eyes. The attractive goatee. The amazing facial bone structure. Really the only way this photo could be better would be if he was smiling, because Bill Mueller has an amazing fucking smile. As with Pudge, his inherent hotness overpowers the inherent ineptitude of the photographers.
 Edgar Renteria
Again, not the official mugshot. Whatever, too lazy to look for it. He looks like his head is retracting into his shoulders, turtle-style, but that's probably just the way he's sitting.
 Ramon Vasquez
Aw, geez, do I even have to say anything? He looks like he should be plopping large globs of meat paste onto a tray in a high school cafeteria somewhere.
 Kevin Youkilis
Poor Youks, he almost never photographs well. He either looks really pale or, as is clearly the case here, ridiculously ruddy. Plus the ears. Plus the fact that his nose is a couple shades deeper red than the rest of his face. Plus the small, somewhat close-set eyes. Oh, poor Youks.
Outfielders.
 Johnny Damon
They managed to catch him when his hair was at its most unruly and his beard at its most untrimmed. Plus, another smirker. Clearly these photographers are bitter that they're not getting to play baseball for a living, and hate all ball players with a bloody, photographic passion.
 Adam Hyzdu
Adam's obviously in the midst of saying something here, and I imagine it's something like, "Wait up, Bellhorn, I'll take another hit with you in a sec, man."
 Trot Nixon
A goatee that perfectly frames your already quite pronounced buttchin? What a marvelous idea, Trotter!
 Jay Payton
He looks a little crazed, but overall not a bad shot. He's got a nice smile. I think we can work with this one.
 Manny Ramirez
Manny is one of the most happy-go-lucky, fun-loving guys on the team. So how did his photo come out looking like something from a police lineup? Did they say, "OK Manny, now for this shot we want you to pretend that everything good in your life has been taken from you" or something?
And finally our lovable, huggable designated hitter.
 David Ortiz
Whom they managed to make look like some kind of chin-strap-sporting bullfrog. Alas.
I guess I probably should go at least take some notes for my paper. Ugh. And hey, if anyone's in the area later this week (hopefully Wednesday, but depending on the weather) and sees a crazy girl in a paint-spattered Red Sox hat and an enormous bright yellow winter coat rocketing around downtown Boston (gonna hit Fenway, back bay, Copley, Newbury St, North End, etc), it's me. I have a photography project to do. I'll be in a mad zone of digital photograph-taking. So yeah, be on the lookout for that sort of thing. Otherwise, you may very well end up in my homework.
edit: Finally got around to tossing up some Sox links I've been meaning to put over on the sidebar there *gestures vaguely to the left*. Added Hoos on First, a new addition to the female Red Sox bloggers family; The Professional, the Idiot, and the Tailback, yet another female Sox blogger, this one blogging from the hallowed halls of Harvard (whom, academics notwithstanding, Michigan would totally crush in a football game); Over the Monster, the SportsBlogs Red Sox site (see previous post); and Tao of Manny, which has possibly the calmest color scheme of any Red Sox blog I've ever seen. Good read, too.
Oh yeah, and I added Steve Brady to the regular Things Read by the Feline Anarchist section. Because it is, indeed, a thing read by the Resident Feline Anarchist.
6:13 PM
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