Friday, February 11, 2005
It's a bit late, and I'm exhausted from 12 DELIGHTFUL HOURS OF CLASSES AND TRANSIT TO AND FROM CLASSES TODAY, yes, thank you art school for providing me with this restful schedule. But I'm that kind of tired that leaves you with eyes wide open, scratchy and twitching slightly, wholly unable to just close and be done with it. Ugh.
I also apparently got first degree frostbite earlier walking back from the Powercenter bus stop to my dorm in the middle of the night without gloves on (thank you nursing student hallmate for the diagnosis, or, more accurately, the accidental glimpse of my hands which lead to an unseemly shriek of 'Oh my god WHAT DID YOU DO I THINK YOU HAVE FROSTBITE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW WE NEED TO GET YOUR HANDS BACK UP TO TEMPERATURE'). They're fine now, just a little stiff and sore in the ol' jointed bits, but all the unnatural colors have gone away so I should be fine by tomorrow.
Since I am awake but unable to sleep, conscious but unable to write anything worthwhile, I'm just going to go through the Tigers roster and make fun of their official MLB headshots. These things are like license photos, nearly everyone looks simply awful in them even if they look fine in real life. They get used on the team websites for the rosters, on the MLB site and for Gameday internet gamecasts, etc. Mocking them heartily is jolly good times for all.
Let us begin with pitching.
OK, who stole his jawline? Because his head appears to melt perfectly into his neck, while the last time I saw him pitch I was reasonably certain he had some form of articulation there. Mayhap I was mistaken?
We just picked him up. I'm assuming it wasn't for his hair.
Everyone's favorite diabetic pitcher. Is it just me, or does this not look like him at all? I'm convinced this is actually a photo of someone else, not JJ at all. Anyways, dear Jason, please get your ERA below 5 this year. Thanks.
My, what a smug fellow. In a good way, though. This is actually a good picture and I applaud Gary Knotts for looking so hot in these usually photogenic-appearance-killing things. Although he also needs to get his ERA under 5.
Oh Wilfredo. That wispy moustache cannot distract from your butterfly-wing ears. I am sorry.
Could be worse, especially considering the wacky faces he makes when throwing the ball. Other than the requisite color washout from the lighting, this isn't a bad shot. He actually started to not suck at the end of last year, so we'll see.
Nate, you are a baseball player, not a football player. So why do you have the football neck?
Gotta love a guy whose initials are UUU (Ugueth Urtain Urbina). Looks like a punk here, but at least he doesn't appear to be hideously deformed. Good luck with your mom, dude.
No that's not all of them. Tough kittens. On to the catchers.
Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh! *deep breath* Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!! OK. OK. It's not nice to act frightened of the mentally challenged. The disabled are people too, not monsters. Important lessons for us all.
I do love me some Pudge. Not a bad shot, although he's got a toothier smile than this sometimes. Clearly his inherent hotness is so extreme that it can even nullify the MLB headshot grossification factor.
First off, why are we carrying three catchers on our roster? (OK, I know Inge will play elsewhere, but still) And Shelton? Um. With his lobster-red skin here and his extremely widely-set eyes he looks kind of like a red tree frog, or perhaps a newly-born and confused baby bird.
Now for some infielders.
Wow, Guillen, way to look exactly like you've just been hit in the face by a frying pan, all 'SPANG!!' style. Seriously. I love you, dude, but you can almost see the impact area in this photo.
There are worse MLB headshots out there, although he does rather look like if you put him in a sweatshirt and one of those black-on-black Tigers hats with the straight brim and dumped him in a department store he would be one of those people the salespeople follow around worriedly, watching them touch everything to make sure nothing gets stolen.
Aaaawww, dontcha just want to HUG HIM FOREVER? Or is it just me? Carlos Pena, I will hug you forever. Also, he went to Northeastern, which is located in downtown Boston and has part of its campus right near MassArt, so just think, Corey, if you had been there a few years earlier you could have been best friends with him.
"September call-up startled to find himself in the sunlight and no longer ensconced in the basement of his frat house." That could be an MLB headline running with this photo, although MLB would never use the word 'ensconced' in a headline.
I think that facial... construction was drawn on with a Sharpie. There is no way that is actual grown hair. Maybe it was added in Photoshop or something. I mean, hell, it's the same exact color as his hat. That can't be natural.
Bobby, wherefore art thy lips? Ever since I saw the photos of him at the U of M frat party looking ancient and creepy and hanging onto extremely young-looking co-eds I have decided that he was done. Bobby, you are a major league baseball player, you do not need to go to seedy college frat parties to drink bad beer out of plastic cups and attempt to chat up inebriated sorority girls who are young enough to be your daughter maybe.
OK, first off, his nickname is 'Nook', which is pretty awesome by itself, but his real name is 'Exavier Prente Logan', which raises him into the Pantheon of Awesome Athlete Names. Kind of goofily endearing in this shot, which is like a quantum leap of photographic success for MLB.
The funny thing is, he doesn't look half this old in most photos or on TV. Another one where I'm nearly certain this is actually a photo of some random guy the MLB people are trying to pass off as Craig Monroe. You can't fool me, Major League Baseball. I am on to you.
We just picked him up, and I have only this to say: Maggs, your round and shiny face will not help you if you somehow injure yourself in a way not covered by the out-clause. Because then there will be much Woe.
I'm not going to say that he looks stoned in this photo, but I will say that it looks like he's been spending plenty of time eating party-size bags of chips and contemplating the night skies with unusual intensity in this photo. I'll leave that up to your interpretation.
And finally, your DHs.
Why, why why why would they dip Rondell in cooking oil before the photoshoot? Do I even want to know the answer to this?
Goatee locked, loaded, and primed for world domination. Or at least total lower jaw domination.
Ladies and gents, your 2005 Detroit Tigers. I am hopefully now tired enough to actually, you know, sleep. Sorry to subject you to my madness, but I amuse me. Deal with it.