Sunday, June 24, 2007
Fun with Roster Photos! New York Yankees, 2007
I feel like harassing Yankees today, especially since next week I will, weather permitting, be venturing into enemy territory.
Usual disclaimer: all these photos are from the official MLB site and are directly linked, so they WILL change year to year and as guys switch teams. The images you see may no longer correspond exactly to the comments if you are viewing this in an archived form. But I am OK with this, because it lends an air of strange surreality to the whole thing, and also reassures you all of the happy laziness of bloggers. (I also copy-and-pasted this disclaimer from the last time, so you can REALLY be reassured that the laziness of bloggers is going strong as ever).
If a toad could look self-satisfied after swallowing a particularly juicy fly, that toad would look very much like Brian Bruney here.
Holy freakin' cats aahhhhhhh!!!! THE PASTY ZOMBIE FACE OF DEATH! I am NOT just saying that because it's Clemens either; just look at him!! His face is melting off of his cheekbones!
The rectangular block goes in the rectangular hole, children.
Yet another ballplayer falls victim to the old "quick, he's starting to smile, take a photo before he gets there so he looks like he's actually uttering the sound 'durhurrrr'!" photography trick.
It's pretty hard to screw up Mike Mussina, but the half-squinted eyes and the half-smirk, plus the washed-out prison mugshot lighting manage the job quite nicely.
Give him some pointy teeth and a helmet and you've got an orc straight out of Lord of the Rings.
His left eye has some serious designs on laziness. I don't THINK Andy Pettitte has a lazy eye, so it seems likely that we can put this one down to another fine piece of work from the photographer.
Sixty-five years old, AND with the dreaded triangle neck.
The very first pitcher to successfully play Major League Baseball while heroically battling leprosy.
I had no idea the Yankees were employing a beluga whale to pitch for them these days.
I feel like I say this every year, but every year I CANNOT get over how TINY Vizcaino's facial features are in relation to his ENORMOUS, OUTWARDLY POINTY cheekbones. It looks like someone took the Liquify tool in Photoshop to his face.
The wide-eyed, innocent 8-year-old was startled to find himself pitching for the Yankees.
It's like his entire face was flattened and allowed to squish out horizontally, so his mouth is too wide, his eyebrows go too far around the sides of his head, and he generally looks like smarmy roadkill wearing lipstick. I don't think the angle helps here.
If Nieves was flattened top-to-bottom, Posada was flattened front-to-back, as from a hearty SPANG in the face with a frying pan. Looks like he was pretty startled to receive the spang too. The jersey falling off to the side is clearly a dishevellment resulting from the frying pan attack.
Who? Well, whoever he is, he looks like his head is being jerked to the side by an invisible fish hook through the mouth.
Has he been Botoxing?
This is actually a lot better than some of his past roster photos. Still seems to be sort of staring in two different directions, which would be a useful baseball skill I guess.
After a hard night out on the town, with some hardy ladies of the night, Jeter stumbles in unprepared for photo day.
OH MY GOD A GOPHER.
The appearance of lipstick clashes mightily with the appearance of a shadowy mustache. Perhaps he likes the transvestite look on himself as well as in his strippers?
What the hell. Is he pregnant and retaining water? Did someone decide to pump his face full of saline for obscure fetishistic reasons? This oddly swollen and rubbery beast barely even looks like Melky Cabrera.
His mouth just kind of disappears into the rest of his lower jaw. I can't tell if this is due to the lighting or because his face is desperately crying out for a beard again.
As he so often does in roster photos, Matsui looks like someone has thrown acid on his face. This year, however, he's pleasantly bemused by it.
The eyes of a 15-year-old atop the jaw of a 50-year-old. Creepy.
Ladies and gents, your 2007 New York Yankees.
Labels: fun with roster photos, MLB, Yankees