Friday, March 02, 2007
I've got to say, anyone complaining about how heavy or how much more relatively heavy Curt Schilling got over the winter has clearly never seen Runelvys "Runny Elves" Hernandez.
Like all the rest of us sick puppies, I too watched some of the first Spring Training game. The only reason I did not watch all of it was because it happened to be on at the same time as the UConn/Villanova game, which I was obligated to watch because the BCRS little brother was a student manager on the floor for UConn, which meant that he made edge-of-the-shot TV appearances throughout the game. The fact that I couldn't see the entire game because of this ACTUALLY UPSET ME, which I think is proof positive of my deep and all-encompassing insanity.
I saw a bit of Brendan Donnelly pitching, which led me to think two things:
1. Hooray for a possible induction of pitching goggles into the Red Sox bullpen this season! They are a uniform piece that is JUST GOOFY ENOUGH. I approve.
2. The jerky, almost violent delivery that he has reminds me of nothing so much as a more completed Keith Foulke motion. What I mean by that is that if Foulke's delivery wasn't such a short-armed Tyrannosarus Rex kinda deal, and it involved the full range of motion usually employed by pitchers, it would be Donnelly's delivery. And if that makes sense to any of you, congratulations, you've lost your mind.
Then I had to watch more of UConn being terrible at basketball, but I did get back in time to see some of ol' Runny Elves on the mound.
This is where I tell you that I hate Runny Elves. I hate him. I really do. I wish he would crawl back into the moutainside from which he was birthed and he would spend the rest of his cursed days slowly sinking into the planet's crust. I hate him mostly because he sparked this whole mess with one of the most classless displays of bad baseball behavior I have ever seen on a field. If you're too freakin' lazy to visit the link there, basically he drilled Carlos Guillen on the foot, there was distraction and the ump didn't see it and ordered Carlos to continue batting, and the next pitch from Runny Elves hit Carlos square in the head. Having hit him once, I think there was little question in anyone's mind as to the intentionality of the next pitch. This all of course sparked the brawl where Kyle Farnsworth picked up Jeremy Affeldt and drove him into the turf, which was admittedly freakin' awesome, but the starting point of the brawl was not, and that's the point.
My hatred for Runny Elves was thus first logical ("he has no respect for the game"; "he throws at people's heads") and quickly grew additional illogical supports ("he is made of coprolites"; "he eats puppy livers for his dinner"). I don't care. I hate him. I hate that he's on my team and I have to muster up a cheer while he lumbers around out there.
He is also undeniably fatter than both Curt Schilling and Daisuke Matsuzaka, so eat that, local media.
Labels: Brendan Donnelly, hate, Runelvys Hernandez