Formerly Felines for Anarchistic Green Democracies

A Bostonian at the University of Michigan.

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Monday, March 13, 2006  

Well that kinda stunk.

The US won on Sunday, barely, and it was terribly exciting and all, but the whole thing was TAINTED for several reasons:

1. A-Rod hit the final ball to win the game and thus all my excitement at the whole bases loaded thing and the whole Ken Griffey Jr. will he get a hit will he make an out will his arms break off and turn to powdered cornstarch on the ground scene leading up to it was for naught. I got all worked up and then the final run came across and YAY WE WON WHAT A GAME but wait. WAIT. Whose purpled lips are stretched wide in a rictus grin of victory? A-Rod? Nevermind. To the vomitorium I go.

2. Joe Nathan peed himself on the mound. There was wee dribbling down his legs and Japanese men giggling at the plate. It was embarassing to watch, like Johnny Damon struggling to form a coherent sentence back when we were all still trying to not be annoyed by Johnny Damon, and I wanted it to stop. The boxscore said there was only one hit and one walk against him but he looked so bad I refuse to believe it.

3. We shouldn't have won. The Japanese had the bases loaded, 1 out, and there was a relatively shallow pop fly, so the guy on third bolted for home. He came across and Buck Martinez came barrelling out of the US dugout to tell the umps that the guy had left third early, even though the second base ump had already called him safe at home. There was much discussion and eventually it was overturned and Sadaharu Oh was quietly disgusted. Replays seemed to indicate that the guy did not leave early BUT.

But. OK. Even if this was football and the umpires had the benefit of on-field instant replay, THIS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN OVERTURNED. The original call had been made pretty much without hesitation, albeit by the wrong ump (so what was the third base ump doing at the time, picking his toe jam?), and the replay did not show a conclusive difference one way or the other. ED HOCHULI WOULD NOT OVERTURN THIS. But Ed Hochuli has good eyes and good biceps and an understanding of letting the team that actually scored the points keep those points and also he is not a minor league referee so this would not have been a problem.

So the Japanese got their run taken off the board AND two outs on the play, taking them out of the inning. For a long while they refused to take the field because they didn't think the inning should be over and THEY WERE CORRECT. Sadaharu Oh did not throw a hissy fit not because he had no case but because it would not have helped and he is a GENTLEMAN in other words quite unlike Tony LaRussa, who is a man with old school pine tar in his soul not scruples.

I would have liked to have won this in a way that was not tainted but this was bad meat. The Japanese team should have been up 4-3 with one more out in the inning but instead they were left tied at 3 with no outs at all, and they were vulnerable to the slappy ways of A-Rod in the 9th.

More notes from the game:

This is the second Chipper Jones homerun I have seen in the WBC so far. WHY IS CHIPPER JONES SO FUCKING GOOD?

Derek Jeter cups his genitals very lightly before stepping into the box. Dude, if you’re gonna grope the junk, GO FOR IT. Look at Brandon Inge. Brandon Inge knows how to tweak a cup on the field. And then Jeter grounds into a double play so MY SCORN IS UNENDING.

Michael Young got a hit. Ken Griffey Jr. got a hit. Why didn’t you, Derek? Why didn’t you? Hell, A-Rod got a hit, there are two men on now and two outs. Chipper is up but he can’t do everything by himself, Derek. I’m having way too much fun taunting him for doing something that Poor Edgar did, repeatedly, for the Sox.

Ball gets by the catcher (wild pitch) and the base runners move up. Fucksocks, Chipper grounds to first. SEE, JETER?? If only you had bussed your balls like a man, we would have scored somewhere in that inning. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE MY LOGIC, READERS. It is flawless.

“In Puerto Rico you don’t become a baseball fan. You’re born a baseball fan. If you do well, they’ll let you know. Heh, if you do bad they’ll let you know too. They’re definitely gonna be loud. I’m Carlos Delgado, and I’m hella happy to be off the Marlins.” So Puerto Rican baseball fans are basically Red Sox fans, right?

Sadaharu Oh on Ichiro: “First of all, he loves the game of baseball.” So he’s NOT Zach Greinke or Keith Foulke, is that what we’re sayin’? Then again if I was Zach Greinke and was stuck on the Royals I might get sad with life too. OH WAIT EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE'S BARELY OLDER THAN ME AND HE'S PLAYING BASEBALL AND MAKING MORE MONEY THAN I WITH MY USELESS ART DEGREE WILL EVER MAKE. Boo fucking hoo, Mr. Greinke. Your hypothetical sob story is wasted on me.

Peavy finally settles down in the 4th. Gaslamp Ball thinks that Jake Peavy is being supplanted as the cutest Padres pitcher. Judge for yourself.

Has anyone else noticed that the underarmor-ish shirts being worn by Team USA make it look like they all have skin disease? They’re navy blue with a spattering of red dots at the elbow that look like nothing so much as a clustering of eczema. Please tell me I’m not the only one seeing this.

With one swing in the 6th Derrek Lee ties it up. WHY IS DERREK LEE SO FUCKING GOOD?

I just realized why Ichiro looked different in this game. HE’S WEARING HIS SOCKS UP. He never does that for Seattle, he wears his pants down and those stupid hightop looking cleat things, like he's a basketball player in his secret dreams instead of a gory actor. Huh.

Well, I also watched the Dominican Republic/Puerto Rico and Mexico/Korea games, but I didn't follow them as closely because I was busy making worksheets and color wheels so that tomorrow evening I can teach Michigan prisoners the basics of color theory. I will note that Pudge was absolutely adorable when he hit his double early in the game (he cruised into second base pumping his fist like Derek Jeter only not so much with the extreme lame), and I was disappointed in the Korean game because Sung Heon Hong wasn't playing. Although I note that they replaced the stocky thirdbaseman with a guy named Bum Ho Lee, which, hello, I am 5 years old.

Oh and the art show reception went AWESOMELY. It was GREAT. The turnout was way bigger than we expected and there was a BAND, and they were DRESSED UP AS ANIMAL HYBRIDS, and they WRESTLED WITH MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE, and people ACTUALLY SPENT TIME READING THE WORDS ON MY PIECE, and it was just generally ace in every way. You can see photos from it here if you wish to partake of the awesomeness.

If you're in the area and couldn't make it out for the reception you can still see the show, it is in the WORK gallery until March 24th. I recommend it, although it is too bad that you missed the band.

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3:13 AM

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