Monday, February 06, 2006
And the skies did open up and pour down yellow and black confetti upon the hysterical masses, and behold, the Steelers have won the Super Bowl.
Oh, I know the party line here in Michigan is all concerned with the Bus and the Bus coming back to Detroit and the Bus being seen wearing a jacket with a Detroit D on it and a Tigers hat (in public!!) and the Bus retiring, and he's from Detroit? Have you heard? It's true. Bless the Bus and his Detroity-ness, for without it the fair city would have been cold and lifeless and with no human interest stories whatsoever for the Super Bowl. It's true. Touchingly, heartwarmingly true.
The Lions fan in me couldn't care less about this game either way, but the Patriots fan in me rejects this deibusification. I'm sorry, I know it's just me being an irrational Massachusettian. But I frigging hate the Steelers. I hate Troy Polamalu's hair and Antwan Randle-El's versatility and their goddamn injury-causing gorgeous fucking stadium. I hate Bill Cowher and his elephantine jawbone. I hate the Burger and, well, OK, maybe hate isn't the right word there. It's hard to truly hate someone who looks that bad in a beard, and who is as in love with their dog as the Burger is with his Zeusy-poo. And it's hard to hate someone who writes things like this in their blog:
If your having a party, stock up on some of my BBQ sauce or Beef Jerky. You can buy them both from my site, and their the best you'll find. At least I think so. Gotta go. Your friend, Ben
"you're", "they're". This is how you know he writes the stuff himself. Although it's effective advertising... generally I just read his blog for the dog pictures, I had no idea he has his own line of Beef Jerky. BurgerJerk? Roethlisbeefger? No, hate is not the right word at all. 'Hysterical pity' may be more apt.
I tried to take some notes on the actual Super Bowl, in between taking notes for my biopsych test this week (an exciting life I lead!). This is all I was able to come up with.
-a strong reminder of how much younger football is than baseball. they've got mvps from every superbowl ever played walking out. all the way back to number 1. in baseball, all those dudes are dead, buried, and rolling in their graves at the thought of how much cash they could be making if they were alive and playing today.
-this is the saddest national anthem ever. you can almost see their vocal chords decaying right there on the field. stop it before i cry.
-brady doing the coin flip. booed by steelers fans, i have free license to be a bitter pats fan all i like. coin flip called by seattle, won by seattle. ha ha! tommy's got the magic hands. bite our frozen new england asses, hines wardians.
-seattle touchdown nullified by penalty. i dunno, clearcut? not very. what the hell do i know. i've got paint on my glasses. fucking photo project.
-oh boy a field goal. way to settle, seattle. they'll probably regret that later on.
-joe jurevicius is a great name. it would be an amazing cat name if i wasn't already going to name my first cat dave roberts.
-budweiser ad with the shorn sheep as streaker was good until sheep got up and started dancing on two legs. taking the joke too far, bud. it was funnier when it was more understated. i realize their target audience is 'morons', but still, c'mon guys.
-burger intercepted by some dude named bowlware or something like that. earlier we were told by madden that they change the balls on every play and a new ball is a slippery ball. insert joke about the burger and slippery ball handling here.
-john madden on the quietness of steeler fans in the 2nd quarter: "i wonder if these are really steelers fans, or if they just handed out a bunch of terrible towels somewhere."
-this game is really fucking boring.
-john madden quoting someone else on the elusiveness of the burger: "guys just drip off him." funny, that's what TO used to say about jeff garcia.
-realize that i've written 'schwann cell' as 'schwam cell' 5 times in my biopsych notes. i hate chris berman so much sometimes.
-blech a steelers touchdown. wave your towels, you insane people. john madden doesn't think you're real anyways.
-is this gillette fusion ad the most overdramatic ad for a razor ever in the history of mankind? probably. topped only in sheer inexplicable showmanship by those deranged pseudo-artsy tire ads with people doing saucy ballroom dancing. TIRES. RAZORS. get a grip, ad world!
-some nfl network ad using some words blah blah and the 'dreamers' bit is illustrated by lions fans. sob. thank you, nfl network OH MAN TEDY BRUSCHI AND HIS CHILDREN BRAIN ASPLODEY
-what the hell are the seahawks doing? end of the half. seriously what the hell was that. i mostly expected donovan mcnabb to emerge from their sideline and dry heave onto midfield.
-god the rolling stones are old. also their tight pants frighten me.
-someone in the fake stage crowd has a terrible towel. i didn't think they let actual fans down there. maybe they snuck in. no one would notice so long as they were wearing vaguely 'hip' clothing and a vacant expression.
-no i would not expect that seattle feels too good about going into the lockerroom down after dominating most of the first half. they were kicking ass and they're still losing. that is not a good feeling. analysts. ugh.
-so that was the longest run from scrimmage in superbowl history or something and the steelers score again. only 75 yards? i would've thought it would be longer.
-i'm never registering anything with go daddy.com just on the basis of these ads.
-burger intercepted in the 3rd! guy runs a long way back, burger gets shoved on his kiester. ha ha, excellent. longest interception return in superbowl history, 76 yards. that's it? this is kind of pathetic, or maybe it's all about the quality of the defenses in previous superbowls. or something.
-seattle touchdown. i wasn't really watching. hey, some of us have a test and a huge fucking project due next week.
-john madden on someone on the sideline with an injury: "what d'you think they were looking at that they made him take his pants off? i'm not sure that you check a hamstring that way." hall of fame, ladies and gents.
-they're calling that a penalty on hasselbeck? really? a low block? uh, ok, whatever you say, officiating crew. dare i say the words 'sun belt'?
-antwan randle el just threw a touchdown pass. i would applaud the versatility of him and compare him to troy brown if i didn't think his team deserved the crispiness of a close encounter with the surface of the sun.
-boring boring boring.
-and the steelers win. well, the bettis boosters will be happy, and seattle can sink back into obscurity, saving sportswriters everywhere the problem of having to think about it. i really did not need to ever see cowher pumping his pale arms into the air while his soaking wet tshirt gets plastered to his middleaged coach torso. i'm in for some nightmares tonight.
-if i have to hear 'one for the thumb' one more time i'm going to jam my thumb into my eyesocket.
That was about the sum of it. If we got Animal Planet in the dorms, I totally would have watched the Puppy Bowl. I'm also very glad that I avoided Detroit this week... some kids from my hall went downtown on Saturday. I saw one of them at around 3 am on Sunday morning and all he would say was that it took them 4 hours to get down there. He had a haunted look on his face and promised me details later, when he could handle them. I assume there was horrific traffic, or road closings, or at the very least a soul-scarring Steven A. Smith sighting.
Back to baseball talk now, thank cats. I've got some bad analogies I'd like to make, and if I can find the SI link to Barry Zito's photo album again I'm totally doing an art school critique of them. So there's that to look forward to.