Wednesday, January 18, 2006
It's official. We've reached the point in the (non)season where the lack of baseball has made me completely and utterly demented.
You know the feeling. It's a sort of twitch in your eye, the kind of twitch that makes your whole head move violently to the side like you've suddenly and mystically been burdened with a massive Gustavo Chacin-like jawbone. It's the powerful urge to yell things like "6-4-3!" in the middle of an otherwise perfectly peaceful biopsychology lecture*. It's the desire to make this your desktop image and to periodically reduce all the windows on your computer to pet the screen while cooing, "So pretty, eh?"
Football isn't even a viable distraction anymore. Michigan football has been over for ages, and all we have left of that is a lingering resentment of the Sun Belt conference and a lingering taste on the backs of our tongues, not entirely unlike what I imagine the bottom of a birdcage would taste like, if the birdcage was only cleaned once a year and housed a large parrot with a very delicate digestive system. Lions football has been over for ages and I guess we're looking at coaches. Shocking, I know.
Woah! My filthy dorm room carpet just right this very moment parted its gray heathered shores and a dank fiery pit was exposed, flames licking greedily at the edges. An unspeakably foul being clad in slime and noxious fumes turned one protruding bloodshot eyeball in my direction, wagged its forked tongue, gestured crudely with its rusting pitchfork, and whispered the terrible words which will surely haunt me for the rest of the offseason:
"Rod Marinelli. Russ Grimm. Jim Haslett."
It then winked, and the floor closed up, the same as it ever was.
There's no way I'm getting to sleep tonight.
As for the Patriots, well, I need a little more time. As of right now, there are no Patriots.
I actually got excited last night (very early this past morning) when Lleyton Hewitt was nearly upset at the Australia Open, that's how bad it's gotten.
I keep reminding myself that the World Baseball Classic starts in early March... then I remember that it's not even February yet. Spring training, I know, sooner, but there is no NESN equivalent here in the jolly ol' Midwest. We're lucky if actual regular season Tigers games are televised (a number of them are not. I know, I didn't believe it was possible either until I came out here), and we only get a scant few preseason broadcasts.
And so I did what any sane person would do, faced with such a terrible time of year, with nothing to look forward to in the near future except for trips to a maximum security Michigan prison to teach art to the prisoners (it's a class!) and the Winter X-Games.** I sorted out my current list of Favorite Players Who Are Not Currently on the Red Sox or the Tigers.
Those who know me know that my baseball tastes are wide-ranging and not restricted by league, position, or sanity. There is only one iron-clad rule, and that is the rule you would expect: No Current Yankees. Kyle Farnsworth, therefore, is on temporary probation. I'll try to provide a brief explanation when possible, but some of them confuse even me. It is thus with great fondness that I present to you, the indifferent reader, the comprehensive
BCRS NonSox and NonTigers List of Players to Shamelessly StatStalk During the Season
(in alphabetical order!)
Brad Ausmus, Astros, catcher.
Reasons: Good defensive catcher, smart guy (Govt. degree from Dartmouth!), grew up Red Sox fan, former Tiger, Jew!, doesn't at all hurt that he's nice to look at.
Chris Capuano, Brewers, pitcher.
Reasons: High on his pitching ability, smart guy (Econ. degree from Duke!), born in MA, irrational BCRS attachment to the Brewers, adored by Amy, cute.
Kyle Davies, Braves, pitcher.
Reasons: Seriously just look at him, barely older than me, interests in official bio listed as "golfing, fishing, and reading", high on his pitching ability, who doesn't love Braves rookies? Commies, that's who.
Zach Duke, Pirates, pitcher.
Reasons: Coveted here at BCRS almost from the moment he came up and I so called that one, 1.81 ERA bitches, barely older than me, yes he's hot even if you can't tell from this photo.
Prince Fielder, Brewers, first baseman.
Reasons: He's gonna tear it up like a machine that does something to make it hit a baseball really well, irrational BCRS attachment to the Brewers, barely older than me, Tiger sentimentality, his middle name is Semien.
Lew Ford, Twins, right fielder.
Reasons: Huge dorky dork, smart guy (1400 on his SATs!), seriously computer nerd, can I say dork again?
Jeff Francoeur, Braves, right fielder.
Reasons: Saw him when he was hitting .400 for a stretch there last season, should be a great hitter again this year especially if he learns to take a walk, ridiculously strong arm, barely older than me, pretty Braves rookie, BFF with fellow Braves rookie Brian McCann.
Jody Gerut, Pirates, right fielder.
Reasons: Really smart guy (Stanford!), seems like a genuinely nice guy, OK this is one of the ones I love wholeheartedly and just cannot properly explain. I just do.
John Grabow, Pirates, pitcher.
Reasons: Jew!, another one I just love for no readily apparent reason really.
Rich Harden, Athletics, pitcher.
Reasons: Barely older than me, Ridiculously Hot A's Pitcher, 100 mph!, 2.53 ERA and 1.06 WHIP bitches!, The Smirk, CanadiEHn.
Tim Hudson, Braves, pitcher.
Reasons: Wicked good splitter, scrappy little dude, absolutely hilarious (did you read Aces? I read Aces), former Ridiculously Hot A's Pitcher, wrist tattoos!, takes Boston fans very very seriously.
Kameron Loe, Rangers, pitcher.
Reasons: Reasonably high on his pitching ability ever since seeing Rod Barajas pissed off that Loe was coming in, huge dude who will beat the crap out of you probably, Kameron with a K!
Jason Marquis, Cardinals, pitcher.
Reasons: Still definitely think he has the ability to develop into a great pitcher even though the Cards seem kind of low on him, charmingly dorky, Jew!
Mike Matheny, Giants, catcher.
Reasons: Wicked good defensive catcher, 4 Gold Gloves, MICHIGAN WOLVERINE.
Brian McCann, Braves, catcher.
Reasons: Such a good catcher that the Braves are going into next season with him as their starter, first career homer was a three-run dinger. Off of Roger Clemens. In the playoffs. I mean, holy shit, is a huge dork about getting to catch John Smoltz, barely older than me, everyone loves Braves rookies, BFF with fellow Braves rookie Jeff Francoeur and also puppies.
Bill Mueller, Dodgers, third baseman.
Reasons: If you don't know why he's on this list, get out of my webspace.
Xavier Nady, Mets, center fielder.
Reasons: Former target of the irrational BCRS attachment to Padres, not the worst hitter in the league, kinda cute, OK I just like him I have no idea why.
Lyle Overbay, Blue Jays, first baseman.
Reasons: Former target of irrational BCRS attachment to Brewers, boy's got some power yo, HE HAS NO EYEBROWS(!!).
Jake Peavy, Padres, pitcher.
Reasons: Irrational BCRS attachment to Padres, 2.88 ERA and 1.04 WHIP bitches!, barely older than me (though he seems much older for some reason), I just love watching him pitch, cute pitcher.
J.J. Putz, Mariners, pitcher.
Reasons: Wicked hard thrower, surprisingly tolerable '05 season, hee hee 'pooooootz', MICHIGAN WOLVERINE.
Tike Redman, Mets, center fielder.
Reasons: His real name is Julian Jawonn Redman, other than that I have no explanation for this, I just like the guy.
Dave Roberts, Padres, center fielder.
Reasons: Dave Roberts!, I mean, really, you guys, Dave Roberts. Love. LOVE.
Francisco Rodriguez, Angels, pitcher.
Reasons: Barely older than me, 2.67 ERA and potential to continue being great, highly excitable and therefore hilarious, goggles!, so frigging cute.
Huston Street, Athletics, pitcher.
Reasons: Barely older than me, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP bitches!, Ridiculously Hot A's Pitcher, name not pronounced 'huh-stun' despite spelling, looks damn good in a skirt.
Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners, right fielder.
Reasons: Batting average (o'course), professional, absurdly strong arm, amazingly acrobatic in the field, fast, scrappy little dude, very attractive in spite of whatever my fellow female Red Sox bloggers may say on the matter.
Brett Tomko, Dodgers, pitcher.
Reasons: Stubbornly believe he's a better pitcher than his numbers indicate, hates AJ Pierzynski, ART MAJOR at Florida Southern!!
Barry Zito, Athletics, pitcher.
Reasons: Curveball from Heaven when it's on, Ridiculously Hot A's Pitcher, complete and utter space cadet and it is awesome, he's Barry Zito, jeez, like you need a reason.
All this and I don't even play rotisserie.
*I haven't yet. If it stays as boring as it has been, though, I assume it's only a matter of time.
**Both should be exhilirating, but in slightly different ways.