Monday, September 19, 2005
What was that? What was that? What the hell happened today?
Bloody heck, I know Oakland is all "RARGH! We will rise up and bother the hell out of the Angels!" and Eric Chavez is all "RARGH! Must give people an excuse to say things like 'as Chavez goes so go the A's' again!" and Kirk Saarloos is all "RARGH! There are so many vowels in my name!" But did we have to make them look that good? Did we really?
Matty had this to say about his outing: "I've said this in the past, usually when I give up a lot of runs, it usually has something to do with control as far as walking people, hitting people, giving up a hit here or there, then a big hit."
Clement bounced early; Sox routed
Gee whillakers Matty, isn't that kind of the DEFINITION of a crappy outing? I mean, how does one even have a bad outing otherwise? Does he mean they just weren't hitting homeruns off of him in every single at-bat? Because, I mean, if you're walking people, hitting people, giving up a hit here and there, and giving up the occasional bomb, yes, that means you are DOING EVERY SINGLE THING WRONG.
And of course Youks left the game with his finger in bloody tatters. I mean, of course! It's not like we're already getting short on competent backup fielders or anything! Ha ha! Who needs silly things like 'depth'? Not us! No Kapler, maybe no Youks for a time, we'll be just be PEACHY FUCKING KEEN for this HORRIFICALLY VITAL FINAL PUSH into autumn.
At least the Blue Jays held on. And even that required a freakish event, in this case a broken bat sailing out to the mound and nailing Jaret Wright on the elbow, knocking him out of the game. It seems like a dumb thing to say when we're still in first place, but I have The Fear right now. And you all know exactly what I mean.
I wish I could say that a trip to Tampa Bay was just what we needed but, much as it pains me to say this, the DRays can really play when they want to and on some days they are more than capable of beating the green out of Wally. We just have to hope that a) they hate the Yankees as much as we do and are willing to cut us some slack, b) they suddenly forget how to run the basepaths, c) there's a massive brawl and half their team is injured while the Sox emerge miraculously unscathed and/or d) Lou Piniella finally breaks down and does something so insane, so mad, so terrifyingly feral that I can't even imagine it. But you know it'll be a humdinger when he finally blows that last gasket.
As for the Lions...
I know... you can't see... the grimace... of pain on my face. But I assure you... it is there... because I am... gouging my stomach out.... with a straight chisel... and it is... less painful... than that game.
I don't even want to talk about it. All I have to say is that 5 interceptions+ missed route by Roy+ the defense we were afraid we were going to get in the first game+ injuries to Fernando Bryant and James Hall (James Hall! My baby! No!)+ a frightening glimpse of Life Without Jason Hanson (hint: it ain't pretty)+ oh yes, 5 interceptions= WOE WOE WOE. And a loss. A big one. To the Bears.
Kyle Orton is really, incredibly not cute at all, and I don't know why Joe Buck had such a blatant mancrush on him.
Also, that crown-of-the-helmet hit that knocked Marcus Pollard down for a bit? That was filthy and dirty and the Bear responsible barely even made a pretense of going for the ball. I want him fined. Actually, I want him drawn and quartered, but there's no provision in the NFL rules for that, so I'm willing to settle for a fine.
So what, you ask, what the dickens is the deal with the photo at the top of this entry?
Ah, you see, Sunday may have sucked ENORMOUS AMOUNTS OF A SUCKABLE SUBSTANCE AND/OR OBJECT, but Saturday was a day for college football, and Michigan did play Eastern Michigan, and we did make fun of their initials (EMU) by referring to their pathetic offense as a giant overweight flightless bird. And we did win, and the score was 55-0, which is a nice round score and is evidence of a nice round amount of manhandling with just a sprinkle of cocky subbing-of-lesser-players-at-the-end thrown in.
I did take a lovely lot of photos, including these two, which I quite like (click for bigger):
Chad Henne about to huck the ball. I never seem to catch him actually in motion, so I liked this for its moderate lack of relative suckitude.
The punter, Ross Ryan, stretching on the sideline during halftime. Because c'mon, that's awesome.
There are tons more in the gallery, though, which you ought to look at, just because. It's more fun than a jab in the eye with a pointy stick and less depressing than a Red Sox game.
This game also featured the BEST HALFTIME SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN, EVER. The band did a reenactment of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, with the God face showing up on the big board, and the stadium announcer doing voiceovers, and the band doing a musical accompaniment and acting some of it out, and the 'knights' being Sparty, some dude in a Wisconsin jersey wearing a cheesehead and toting a giant inflatable beer stein, something for Ohio State that I wasn't immediately clear on, and the Michigan drum major as the good guy. They were questing for the Big 10 Grail and many adventures befell them, and my god.
I can't even really explain it, without a transcript of the whole thing, but it was MAGNIFICENT.
They had the killer bunny rabbit too.
And they had the band form up in the shape of the Black Knight and various little pockets of band separated out as each of his limbs was chopped off.
And when the Wisconsin guy perished, the announcer said something like, "And brave Wisconsin, laid to rest. He drank too much of Milwaukee's Best," and they carted him off on the athletic trainer's cart with someone yelling, "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!" and the crowd went nuts.
They did the bit with the bridge, and 'everyone who has won a Big 10 championship in recent years may pass', so poor Sparty was left there all alone to answer the three questions, and they were as follows.
Bridge man: WHAT is your name?
Bridge man: WHAT is your quest?
Sparty: To gain the Big 10 Grail!
Bridge man: HOW do you lose a 17 point lead with 6 minutes left in the game?
To say that the crowd went nuts here would be an understatement.
It was really, really, really something else, and I am ever so proud of our band for doing it, and doing it so well.
Does all that make up for the absolute pile of fetid suck that was Sunday? Not really. After all, it was just EMU, it's not as though it was a conference rival or anything. But it was awfully nice, and that 55-0 really mellows you out some if you think about it. I would very much like the Sox to start putting up similar numbers. Oh, I know, it being baseball and all they can't really put up a score of 55-0, but they certainly can put up the spirit of 55-0, and in my much-ignored opinion, they should.
Oh yes, and a very guarded 'thanks' to any Spartans out there. Much as I loathe your team and your 'school' (I use the term loosely, see), I really couldn't stomach another Notre Damn victory, so thanks for taking their swollen golden domes down a notch or two.
So, good job, Michigan Wolverines. Keep on keepin' on. Sox, Lions... you both go to the Blue Cats corner until further notice. Sox, you can get yourselves out quicker than the Lions can. Make it so. You don't want to stew there in the presence of the crumbled, tearful (but still pretty) brow of Joey Harrington any longer than you have to.
(why am I up this late? ha ha ha oh yes that would be the bio paper I am submitting right at this very moment. hooray for college!)
edit: I have reached a decision. This week shall be declared a temporal anamoly. There was no Sunday. Seriously, folks, last week ended at Saturday, and this week started today. It makes perfect sense if you have a deep and thorough understanding of advanced quantum mechanics and string theory. Yup. It's all got to do with curled extra dimensions and disruptions in the Higgs Field. I assure you that it is valid science.
So let this post stand as a curious artifact of a time that has been purged from (or never properly existed in, whichever you like, it's all semantics) the history of the universe.
Except for the bit about the Michigan game Saturday, that still stands.