Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Most every park you go to, there's a photo that has to be taken. If you're at Fenway you really need a shot of the Citgo Sign, or maybe the Green Monster. If you're at Wrigley, you need a shot of the ivy wall. If you're at
The Toilet Yankee Stadium you need a shot of that fence-like thing. If you're at The Metrodome you need a shot of the roof. If you're at Dolphins Stadium you need a shot of empty seats*. And so on.
This is the Comerica Park photo. I can almost guarantee you that every single person who passed through Detroit these past few days will leave the city with a shot similar to this one languishing on their camera memory sticks (film? who uses film? pfft). There are other shots, of course, namely the statues in the outfield, but this is the big one. I mean, heck, me and my buddy Nate couldn't even get the damn tiger to ourselves for a 2-second shot, and this was back in April.**
So if you were at the All Star game, or any of the attendant festivities, I hope you got your photo taken with the big tiger out front. Otherwise, you clearly did not have the Comerica Park Experience.
As for the actual All Star game, well, it's getting on towards 3 am here, and I'm in no state to write anything particularly coherent. So you'll just get the notes I was writing during the game instead. Enjoy!
Woah Jeannie Zelasko is SO MASSIVELY PREGNANT. Also: wearing salmon.
What’s an All Star game without a little whining about Pedro’s absence, eh? Plus ça change…
OH OH OH ERNIE HARWELL.
FSN Detroit has been doing this spot all season, where they just sit Ernie Harwell down and ask him to talk for 5 or 10 minutes. And he does. He just sits down and tells a story about the Tigers, or about baseball, just off the top of his head. And that’s just Ernie Harwell. It sounds like he’s narrating, all the time, but he’s not, he’s just talking. No script. Ernie Harwell in a black velvet chauffeur-style hat! OH MY GOD YOU DO NOT CUT OFF ERNIE HARWELL YOU HORRIBLE WHORISH WOMAN. OH MY GOD. OH HOW DARE SHE! YOU ARE NOT FIT TO LICK THE SOLES OF ERNIE HARWELL’S SHOES YOU CHARLATAN!
Is Ned Yost (Brewers) related to Fielding Yost?
I didn’t know John Smoltz was from Michigan! Although, urgh, he went to high school in Lansing. We're not down with Lansing 'round these parts.
Oh my god, you know how the players, if they don't actually remove their hat to acknowledge the crowd, do that little gesture where they grab the brim and sort of mime tipping it? Brad Lidge just did that. Then he just did the exact same gesture, but with his goatee instead of his hat brim. More awesome than words can describe.
Pudge gets introduced (to immense cheers) and Mike Sweeney, who’s on Pudge’s right, reaches over and pats him on the back. Pudge is grinning. AL Central is representin'. I repeat: Pudge is grinning. I am in a Happy Place.
Boos for both Sheffield and the Fruitbat. And Kenny Rogers. More unanimous boos for Kenny Rogers than for the Yankees, which I think is bullshit, but, eh. Some light boos for the White Sox, but not for Mark Buehrle.
When the AL starters are announced and run out of the tunnel, Manny slaps Vlad’s ass as he goes by. I note that A-Rod gets Teixeira’s ass as he goes by. Perhaps he didn't want to feel left out. I also note that A-Rod is wearing his jersey tonight, as opposed to last night at the Home Run Derby, when everyone else on the field was wearing their All Star jerseys and A-Rod showed up in a blue dress shirt. Obviously no one told him it was a casual event. Oh, how I laughed.
OH MY GOD A-ROD WITH LASER EYES AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FOX IS SCARIER THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
TRUCKS. THEY’RE FOR MEN, YO. Big. Bad. Real trucks! For big, bad, real men! And all I can think about through the entire ad is little boys playing with their toy trucks. That, and Curt Schilling’s high, whiny voice endorsing them. Hee hee. Chevrolet, you fail at commercials.
I grieve that people all over the country are not getting to experience the pathos of a moderately animated poker chip, sailing around the casino on a harrowing adventure, ending the Foxwoods thrill ride nestled comfortably in the bosom of its lady owner. Ah. For sure, a pity it's a local ad.
Oh my GAWD. They have an ad with the discus player sculpture falling apart, while a voiceover talks about the dangers of steroids. WOW. Just… wow.
OH DEAR GOD NOT SCOOTER FLASHBACKS FLASHBACKS FLASHBACKS FLASHBACKS ASDFLKJASDFKLDSDFLDKasdfkljjasdf23l4@#WERTGsdfgjk *thunk* (that was me falling over dead from sheer horror)
Pujols swings so hard at a Buehrle pitch that he loses his footing and falls over. My mother is saying ‘Pujols, Pujols’ over and over again. The joke. Has been old. For years now.
Diamond Cam is the worst thing to ever be invented. No, I take it back. Scooter is the worst thing to ever be invented. Diamond Cam is perhaps number two. Either way, FOX owns rights to both. FOX must die.
Wow, watching Ortiz and Arod put on a hit-and-run is just plain old weird. And wrong. And yet, if you think about it, we were so close to seeing that very thing last year. Only then we probably wouldn’t be seeing what we’re seeing right now, which is Manny in an ill-fitting Red Sox uniform.
"Aramis Ramirez has filled a hole. A great, big hole. A long-time hole."
"At third base." Heh, I love how Joe Buck just kind of left that hole stuff hanging for a bit before finishing the thought.
MIGGY. Yard. Pretty much to center, too. Big hug from Papi in the dugout, and a pat on the ass from Pudge. Doesn’t get much better than that, now does it?
Mark Buehrle describes how he used a changeup to get Piazza out. My mother turns to me and says, sarcastically, “Well, OK, Scooter explained the changeup to us.” My cat Miranda comes up to say hello, and my mother adds, “Miranda could eat Scooter.” Miranda once caught a mouse (although she did not kill or consume it). She could totally take Scooter.
You know, I kind of wish we had Vlad Guerrero on our team just so we could watch him make throws from the outfield. I mean, I love Trotter. But. Well. There's Trotter. And then there's Vlad. You know?
Joe Buck jokingly says that the Red Sox don't have any signs, since they never run on the basepaths or do other such 'smallball'ish things that require signs. Tito's response: “Oh, we have signs. They just don’t know ‘em.”
You know, David Eckstein is showing some pretty strong arm so far this game. Huh. I’d been led to expect less power in the field from him.
Wow, barbed wire tattoo, very creative Andruw Jones. Buck the trend, man. Make your mark. Barbed wire tattoo. Word.
Tim McCarver says that Pudge is the best to ever play the position of catcher in history, which I tend to agree with, because defensively there's Johnny Bench, but overall there's basically just Pudge. I'll bet McCarver felt very big for saying that, though, what with his catching career and all. He's probably giving himself a smug pat on the back as he speaks. [ed note: Check out who's sponsoring McCarver's baseball-reference page. Hee hee]
Ooo, way to go Matty! Way to make this pitchin' business look easy. Diamond Cam makes him look like Doug Mirabelli: short and squarish. For Matt Clement, this is quite a feat, since the second word I think of when I see him is 'lanky', closely followed by 'gawky' and only just behind 'awkward'. Must be nice to pitch to your own catcher in the All Star Game.
“Uncoiling like a cobra.” --McCarver on Andruw Jones’ homerun (I think, or else it was the hitter after Jones doing something to get on base). In any event, the closest thing we've seen on the field tonight to 'uncoiling like a cobra' was probably Dontrelle Willis' high kick, not anyone's swing at the plate. If you're swinging at the ball like a cobra uncoiling, you're probably having some serious mechanical issues and are, in fact, probably hitting worse than Vance Wilson.
“The next thing we might do is pitch Mariano [Rivera] for the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th. Joe [Torre] won’t mind that.” --Terry Francona. Best manager interview in baseball this side of Ozzie Guillen, now that Tony Pena is no more.
According to our esteemed announcers, Felipe Lopez is currently wearing a Napoleon Dynamite ‘Vote for Pedro’ tshirt under his jersey. Dear lord. Let it be true. Of all the things that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver come out with over the course of a game, please, in the name of our Lord Johnny Damon, please let this one be true.
Kenny Rogers gets knocked around quite a bit. Someone remind me again why Jeremy Bonderman isn't here.*** Whine whine grouse grouse it's in detroit and there's only one bloody tiger there and he's not even a starter and bondo coulda gone and the farns coulda gone and if bloody a rod wasn't a third baseman brandon inge coulda maybe just maybe gone and whine whine whine etc.
Apparently Chad Cordero keeps a note from his grandfather in his pocket when he's on the mound. This revelation has all the makings of an 'aaaww cute!' moment until Buck goes ahead and says, “I know it’s in those pants somewhere.” Now I'm just disturbed.
The Fruitbat is up to close the game out for the AL, and I have to say, I have very little fear that he will screw this up. What a novel sensation. The closer comes in, and the game is basically over. Of course we'll always have the 2004 ALCS, but on the whole the Fruitbat is a pitchin' force to be reckoned with.
And there it is. Pudge gets up to congratulate him, which is just so weird that I can't even contemplate it and have to fiddle with some cat hair stuck in my keyboard until it's over and done with and I can safely look up at the TV again.
THE LOOK ON MIGGY’S FACE WHEN HE REALIZES THE CORVETTE IS HIS. OMG. HE’S MORE SPEECHLESS ABOUT GETTING THE CAR THAN THE MVP TROPHY. OMG he keeps looking at the car. Ha ha ha ha! Oh, here come the children. I swear that Miguel Tejada has more immediate family at this event than I see in a year.
And those kids are magnetically attached to his jersey or something... they've been with him at all times these few days. I was almost a little surpised to see them not step up while he was trying to take a cut in the batter's box.
And now, wouldn't you know, it's nealry 3:40. I must sleep like woah, but I will leave with a wonderful image to send you on your way. Homeruns, strikeouts, whatever. This is what the All Star Game is all about.
*Q: If the park is empty, who takes the photo of all the empty seats?
A: Luis Castillo's mom.
**We're the ones without a small child. For the record, I'm wearing a Red Sox hat (it was a Tigers/Indians game) and Nate is wearing a Michigan Wolverines hat. Curiously, no one mentioned the Sox hat, but we both got shit for being U of M students.
***Oh, shut up, I know very bloody well why, and the answer is 'Arizona'. To which I say: Arizona never happened. So there's really no reason at all for him to not be here.