Sunday, April 24, 2005
Now, I know that we’re firmly in the thick of baseball season, and it’s hard to turn our minds from the summer sport. I admit that I have trouble thinking about football when the Red Sox and Tigers are playing (OK, so the Tigers aren’t playing today… game was cancelled due to snow. I’m not kidding. It’s snowing in Detroit. Thank fuck I got out of there already).
But today and yesterday is (was) the NFL Draft, and here at Blue Cats and Red Sox we have managed to get a series of exclusive interviews with many important figures in the draft, and baseball-centric as we may all be right now, one must address these matters in good time.
Blue Cats and Red Sox: Our first interviewee is the number one overall draft pick this year, taken by the San Francisco 49ers… Utah’s Alex Smith. Welcome to Blue Cats and Red Sox, Alex.
Alex Smith: Thanks. Uh, should I call you Blue Cats and Red Sox, or can I call you by your name?
BCRS: Oh, see, what’s that, snark? I hadn’t heard about these personality issues from the Combine reports.
Smith: Erm. *looking around for the closest routes of escape*
BCRS: BCRS will be fine. Now, there’s been a lot of chatter about how high you scored on the Wonderlic test… you got a 40. Most quarterbacks score somewhere in the 20s. Dan Marino got a 16 on his. So what’s the deal here? Football players aren’t smart.
Smith: Well, at Utah we were always encouraged to treat our academics as seriously as our athletics. After all, that’s the point of being a college athlete…
BCRS: Ha ha ha ha. Ah ha. Oh man. *wipes tears from eyes* Sorry, excuse me, I go to Michigan. That’s not exactly what Michigan looks at when they try to recruit a college athlete. Hee hee, smart football players, what a concept. Speaking of whatever we were speaking of, what was it like at Utah, being America’s Cinderella small-conference team and whatnot?
Smith: It was just great to be able to show everyone the kind of program that we have in Utah, that you don’t have to be SEC or Big 10 or whatever to play hard. It was great to prove that we had the heart and the ability to play with those guys when no one thought we could.
BCRS: What about Boise State?
Smith: What about them?
BCRS: They have a blue field. They’re small-conference too, and they did better than lots of people expected, and they have a blue field. Doesn’t that make them more awesome than you?
Smith: Uh… I don’t think the color of the field really matters all that much.
BCRS: Sounds like someone’s jealous. Jealous that their football field isn’t blue and awesome.
Smith: Jealous? I just got told, basically, that I’m the best college football player in the draft. You see any Boise State guys up here in the first round? No. And you probably won’t see any in the second round either. Trust me, I’m not jealous.
BCRS: That’s a pretty good point, I’m gonna have to concede that one. OK, thanks to Alex Smith for taking the time to talk to us. Our next guest is the number three overall draft pick, taken by the Cleveland Browns… Michigan’s Braylon Edwards. Hi Braylon, welcome to Blue Cats and Red Sox.
Braylon Edwards: Yo. *waving casually, thus exposing the enormous, diamond-encrusted watch he’s wearing*
BCRS: So, Braylon, you’re going from one of the classiest and most attractive uniforms in college football to one of the ugliest uniforms in professional football. How do you feel about that?
Edwards: It’s gonna be tough, yeah. You get used to wearin’ that cool maize and blue, and then you gotta wear some orange and brown shit. But I ain’t never backed down from adversity before. It’s gonna be tough, but I’m gonna overcome.
BCRS: Terribly brave of you. Now, I notice you’re wearing a lot of diamonds. And I heard you just bought a Bentley. What’s up with that?
Edwards: *indicating diamond earrings, diamond watch, and expensive suit* Yeah, I figure, a guy lookin’ as good as me, gotta have the bling to make my natural handsome face sing, y’know? And a man’s gotta have a car just as hot as him. My agent says I’m gonna get tons of endorsement opportunities and shit, ‘cause I’m so good and so good-lookin’, so payin’ for it all ain’t gonna be no thang.
BCRS: I’m not even going to touch that response. Obviously it was tough playing with John Navarre… I mean, we all know John Navarre sucked pickled eggs. How much did the presence of Chad Henne improve your play on the field in your senior year?
Edwards: Braylon Edwards does not acknowledge the presence of other impact players at Michigan.
BCRS: Uh. OK. Well, congrats on being the first Wolverine selected in this year’s draft, and good luck in Cleveland. You’re gonna need it. Now, our next guest is the 4th overall draft pick, selected by the Chicago Bears, out of Texas… Cedric Benson. Hi Cedric.
Cedric Benson: We beat you in the Rose Bowl.
BCRS: *screaming shrilly* SHUT UP.
Benson: Well, we did.
BCRS: *mastering self with great restraint* Nnngh. Now. You were often compared to Ricky Williams during your college career… your running style, your hair. How do you feel about that?
Benson: It was a great honor, to be compared to a runner as great as Ricky. He had such talent, and he was so good. Just an honor.
BCRS: What about the whole ‘screwing his team over so he could go be a complete loser hippie in the mountains’ bit? Is that why you cut your dreadlocks off?
Benson: I cut my hair because I wanted a fresh start. And Ricky Williams, he shouldn’t be disrespected because of the choices he made. Guy deserves respect. I… I had to deal with a lot of that…. No one givin’ me respect. No one… no one ever… gave me any… respect… *bursts into tears*
BCRS: Oh, yeah, I figured we’d get to this. Brother Blue Cats and Red Sox says that you’re a sissy and a wimp. What do you have to say to that?
Benson: *tears streaming down his cheeks* This isn’t anything new. I never get no respect. It’s because I’m a black man, isn’t it? They call me a sissy and a wimp and don’t give me no respect ‘cause I’m a black man.
BCRS: Actually, I think it’s less a function of the fact that you’re a black man and more a function of the fact that your post-draft interview with Suzy Colber, on national TV, consisted of you alternately sobbing and rambling incoherently about respect. I think Brother BCRS is reacting to that. He also says that Cadillac Williams is the better running back anyways, that he has more upside, and you’re pretty much as good as you’ll ever be. Anything to say to that?
Benson: *starts hysterically crying and hiccupping, occasionally managing to blurt out the word ‘respect’*
BCRS: You played minor league ball for the Dodgers this offseason, didn’t you?
Benson: *hiccuping* Y-yes. S-so did Ricky, back in the day…
BCRS: Man, you had a chance to play pro baseball. You idolize Ricky Williams. You had to bring up that fucking Rose Bowl. I’d feel bad for you and your respect issues, but nope, not happening. Good luck in Chicago, but I wouldn’t cry like that in front of Brian Urlacher, he doesn’t go in for that sort of thing. Our final guest here today is the president and CEO of the Detroit Lions, Matt Millen. Welcome to Blue Cats and Red Sox, Mr. Millen.
Matt Millen: What the fuck is this? This isn’t a newspaper interview.
BCRS: No, this is a blog. Think a newspaper without the editors or the integrity, and with opinionated rants. But I care about the Lions, which is more than you can say for 10/11ths of the major newspapers in this country.
Millen: Ouch. But true.
BCRS: Yeah. OK, so you guys took Mike Williams with your first pick. What’s up with that? I mean, did we not already have Roy Williams and Charles Rogers for promising young wideouts?
Millen: Sure. But for once we didn’t have any gaping holes to fill with this draft, so we figured we’d just take the best guy available, and that was Mike Williams. And it sure won’t hurt to have one of the most explosive offenses in football. And let’s be honest here, we’re pretty much expecting Charles to break his collarbone in the first game of the season, I think Williams will be good insurance for when, er, I mean if that happens.
BCRS: Mike Williams hasn’t played football for, what, a year now? Since he ‘took time off’ at USC. You seriously think he’ll still be a quality football player?
Millen: Oh, yes, he matured quite a bit, if you’d seen him at the Combine and talked to him like we had.
BCRS: I’m a blogger. Assume I know nothing whatsoever, and you’re right on track.
Millen: OK, well, he matured. He just… uh… he matured.
BCRS: You mean, like, he got a year older? ‘Cause I do that kind of maturing too, and no one’s gonna be drafting me to play professional football.
Millen: You don’t understand my technical football language. When I say he matured, I mean lots of things that cannot be succinctly explained to someone who does not understand all the intricacies of the term.
BCRS: Bitch, please.
Millen: I AM A FANCY FOOTBALL MAN WITH FANCY FOOTBALL MAN WORDS.
BCRS: Uh huh, whatever gets you through the season, buddy. What about defense? We all thought you were gonna cover defense early, since that was the bigger need.
Millen: We’re pretty much going to try to play defense with our offense this year. I mean, if we score enough, we won’t really need an overwhelming defense.
BCRS: You are aware that the Detroit Lions are an NFL team, not an Arena Football team, right?
Millen: Shit. Really? Sorry to cut this short, but, uh, I gotta run… *races out of the room, suit jacket flapping*
BCRS: Well, uh, thanks Mr. Millen *waves to his rapidly retreating back*, much appreciated. Thanks to everyone who took the time to talk to us here today, and I hope you all enjoyed this draft day event as much as I did. We’ll be returning to baseball shortly.
4:48 PM
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