Thursday, April 28, 2005
I will get to Omar Infante in a minute.
This is one of those times that I thank the sweet heavens for the Tigers.
Curt Schilling is out for however the hell long he's out for, with what is being called a bone bruise but is being speculated about as a possible stress fracture (on the magical interweb, grain of salt, grain of salt). David Wells is out for however the hell long he's out, with whatever the hell he did to his ankle. Our rotation, as it stands right now, is as follows:
1. Knuckleballer, which on any given day is either a really really good thing or a really really bad thing.
2. Guy aiming to have the highest number of hit batsmen in the league by the All Star break.
3. Some of the worst chin hair in baseball, attached to a potential headcase.
4. Guy with eyebrows of doom, who should only ever be used in relief.
5. Mystery minor leaguer to be announced later-- the best candidates being a kid from AAA who played in exactly one major league game last year, and a guy whose scouting report compares his emotional on-mound behavior to that of Derek Lowe.
Say what you will about keeping the panic to a minimum, that's not a real confidence-inspiring rotation right there. And no, I am not going to hang all my hopes and dreams on the imminent return of Wade Miller. I'll believe it when I see it.
So this is really one of those times when I was, you know, freaking out a bit (as perhaps the last couple of entries have hinted). So what do the Tigers do? They get together in the clubhouse and they decide that I have had more than enough and deserve a break.
Jeremy Bonderman: That poor lass has had to deal with Pitching Implosion after Pitching Implosion. I will remind her what good pitching looks like! 97 mph fastball! Strikeouts aplenty!
Craig Monroe: I must cement my position in the Red Sox Corner! I will hit the ball 421 feet! Two-run homer, yay!
Jake Westbrook: 
Carlos Pena: This will be the game I start hitting in again, because that girl has had enough sadness. Time for a double!
Omar Infante: Yes, I too am inspired to begin hitting again! Time for a double!
Carlos Guillen: I will have one of the best batting averages in the American League! Hooray for small sample sizes!
Pudge Rodriguez: Yay, a single! Throw it up to God! *points at the sky*
Nook Logan: I will be the fastest baserunner you ever did see who is not named Dave Roberts!
Jeremy Bonderman: *gives up a homerun to Aaron Boone* Whoops.
Craig Monroe: Don't worry, Bondy! 9 run lead!
Dmitri Young: Raarrgh, a powerful single!
Mario Impemba: The hittin' shoes are on tonight, Detroit Tigers fans! The hittin' shoes are on tonight!
Rod Allen: Oh yes! That ball had some hair on it!
Mario Impemba: Ha ha, oh Rod, sometimes you just say the darndest things!
Carlos Pena: Let me work a walk from an 0-2 count! Awesome eyes! Sticking it to the Oakland team that gave up on me, and for my man Jeremy*!
Alan Trammell: I think I will pull Bondy in the middle of this inning.
Jeremy Bonderman: *glares*
Alan Trammell: I think I will go sit back down in the dugout for a while.
Bob Cluck: *passes Tram a new pair of underwear* Did you know I used to play in a band called Bob Cluck and the Chickens**?
Rod Allen: Not a surprise! Cluckie's a left-hander!
Mario Impemba: Ha ha ha! You crazy, Rod, you crazy!
Bobby Higginson: *comes in for one at-bat at the end of the game, flies out*
Jeremy Bonderman: No no Bobby, that's not what we're here to do tonight. *strikes out Aaron Boone*
Aaron Boone: *falls into giant, fiery pit which has suddenly opened up in the ground*
Satan: COME, MY SON, RETURN TO YOUR TRUE FAMILY.
Aaron Boone: Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.......
Bobby Higginson: Sorry, I don't know how to do anything else.
Brandon Inge: *snaps his gum*
Thank the sweet heavens indeed.
There was one other thing from the Tigers game tonight that absolutely could not be glossed over. During one of Omar Infante's magically interminable at-bats, Rod and Mario began to deviate a bit from the usual baseball announcer style. These are actual quotes, I'm not making them up.
Mario Impemba: And he spoils another pitch! What an at-bat put on by Omar Infante!
Rod Allen: He's a handsome young man too.
*both chuckle heartily*
Rod Allen: You think he has any trouble getting a date?
Mario Impemba: Ha ha! I'm not too good a judge of these things, but I don't think Omar does too badly!
No, I have absolutely no idea what prompted this exchange.
But I put it to you, the readers, to decide: Omar Infante, HOT or NOT? Rod and Mario: insane, or spot-on?
If you need more evidence to reach a decision, here are a couple more shots. Let me know what you think. Ladies and gentlemen are both free to comment-- after all, it's Rod and Mario who got us rolling here.
Tomorrow (er, later today) Mike Maroth puts on his Extraordinary Mental Makeup Mike cape and his bright orange Extraordinary Mental Makeup Mike undies and prepares to take on the Indians, while the Red Sox have an off day. This is good, because it means that Kevin Millar can spend all day with his new babies.
For those of you who don't recall, the Millars have been trying to have kids for a while, and last season his wife had a miscarriage, which they both took very hard. So I am absurdly, ridiculously happy for the both of them. 5 BILLION CONGRATULATIONS TO THE MILLARS. And a very sincere 'good luck' to his kids. Because you just know he's going to embarass the fuck out of them once they're old enough to have friends to be embarassed in front of.
*If you don't know this story... well, I won't get into it right now. Suffice it to say that certain persons in the Oakland administration said some very nasty things about Bonderman when they drafted him, and they make me downright furious, and I want to kill puppies when I think about them.
**100% of FACT. You can't make that stuff up.
3:39 AM
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