Saturday, April 16, 2005
I know I said I'd be doing the National League questions, and so I shall. But there are a few matters which must be addressed first.
Over here at Blue Cats and Red Sox, there are two corners you can sit in. You can sit in the Blue Cats corner, or you can sit in the Red Sox corner. Since the Red Sox are Winners Who Win, that's the corner you go in if I'm happy with you. Since the Blue Cats (aka the Detroit Lions) are Trying Really Hard But Make Me Really Sad, that's the corner you go in if I'm pissed off at you. If you've been extra bad, you go in the Blue Cats corner and you have to put on the pointy Dunce Hat of Shame.
Current residents of the Red Sox Corner
1. Jay Payton. Home run against the Wizened Unit? The home run that showed everyone on the team that he was not unbeatable that night? The towering homerun that welcomed you to Fenway? Big cute smile? Jay Payton, you get to sit in the Red Sox Corner. And you get delicious baked good while you are there.
2. The Portland Sea Dogs. Mostly for things like this. Charlie Zink is making an appeal for continuing the knuckleball-in-Boston saga even after Wake retires. Dustin Pedroia is reminding me why he is my minor league imaginary boyfriend. Having a sea dog as your mascot? Portland Sea Dogs, you get to sit in the Red Sox Corner.
3. Jason Marquis. Pitching 6 2/3 innings with only one run given up? Hitting a three-run triple that absolutely destroyed the soul of the Reds? Exiting the game with a 1.46 ERA? Being an old friend of ours on this here blog? Jason Marquis, I know you'll find this somewhat bittersweet, but to the Red Sox Corner with you.
4. Justin Verlander. For getting his first win at the professional level. Good for you, Justin Verlander. Tigers fans have had little (nothing) to look forward to from their farm system for a long, long time, so you'll have to excuse us for getting a bit misty-eyed over you. You get to sit in the Red Sox Corner.
5. Craig Monroe. For hitting a three-run homer today and making a numerous impressive grabs in the field recently that I'm too lazy to find links for. Seriously, Craigger, we knew you had the bat, and we knew you had the general raw ability to field, but all that chatting with Torii Hunter was an awful good idea. You've been proving Tram right (on this, at least), and you've been making us happy. And for this photo. Craig Monroe, head to the Red Sox Corner.
Current residents of the Blue Cats Corner
1. Magglio Ordonez. Magglio. Ordonez. MagglioFRIKKINGOrdonez. It had to be a stomach condition, didn't it? It couldn't be the knee? IT COULDN'T BE THE ONE THING WE COULD ACTUALLY NOT LOSE MONEY ON? IT HAD TO SOMETHING NOT MENTIONED IN THE CONTRACT? I can hear the ChiSux laughing right now. I think that's Ozzie Guillen, giggling. Excuse me while I go strangle him with telepathic ropes of rage. Maggs, you're in the Blue Cats Corner.
2. ESPN. Go on, whine about the Red Sox. Whine about how much media coverage they're getting. It's not as though you guys aren't the ones, you know, doing all the hyping in the first place. Really. Write trite little columns about how the Red Sox have 'jumped the shark'. Then bombard us with 50 promotional spots in 10 minutes for the upcoming Red Sox/Yankees game. Really, I don't find this ironic at all. I'm not going to vindictively Photoshop your homepage or anything. And I'm certainly not banishing you to the Blue Cats Corner. Oh wait.
3. Jason Giambi. Because, what, you can do steroids, and totally ruin the happy memories of an entire nation of baseball fans (that would be Athletics Nation, not Red Sox Nation), and totally set the stage for a certain freak of humanity to write a book which I am steadfastly refusing to purchase, and everyone feels bad for you? Oh, poor Jason Giambi, it's not like he had a great eye anyways, he totally needed to shoot extra testosterone into his buttcheeks to make his millions of dollars. Pity Party time! Go to the Blue Cats Corner.
4. Ugueth Urbina. You want to be a closer? You're pissed we're using you as a set-up guy now that we've got Percy? Well, what's the best way to either convince us you can be our closer or to convince some other team that they want you to be their closer? How's about you blow lots of close games for us? How's about you rack up a 9.00 ERA? How's about you suck so badly that we have to use the rest of our bullpen until they're already getting sore and overused [check April 15 12:31 AM. Don't that beat all?]? HOW DOES THAT SOUND UGIE? That sounds like something that will get you stuck in the Blue Cats Corner.
5. Blaine Neal. As of right now, Blaine, you're officially 'The Guy Who Gets Put in the Game as a Sign of Surrender'. Until you shed that label, you're in the Blue Cats Corner with the rest of the inmates.
National League questions next. And don't ask me about Gary Sheffield. Seriously. I'm in the middle of prepping for the Sophomore Review and doing my final assignments/papers, not to mention packing for move out. You mention Gary Sheffield or his 'restraint' (shoving this fan before I return to playing the game is great restraint!) or that 'fan' (I have better seats than 100,000 more deserving Red Sox fans and look how I appreciate them!) and I will. Bite. Your head off.