Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Barry Bonds in 1994. Barry Bonds in 2004.
Ivan Rodriguez in 1994. Ivan Rodriguez in 2004.
I'm not a reporter. I'm not a big, fancy, credentialed blogger. I don't have access to the players, or a friend who works in the clubhouse, or a professor who has a trainer who knows a ballplayer. These are what I have access to.
Barry Bonds in 1994 looks markedly different from Barry Bonds in 2004. Pudge Rodriguez in 1994 does not look markedly different from Pudge Rodriguez in 2004.
I'm just, you know, sayin'. OK?
Oh, and Boston fans? Sorry there's been a dearth of Red Sox stuff around here lately, but what can I say?
A-Rod: I am teh bestest ballplayer evar! I work out sooo early and often, I make every1 else look like n00bs who just wanna lie in and play with their kiddies. Seriously, I am uber1337! Also, I am the sole reason the Yankees lost. Sorry guys!
Trot Nixon *throws down camo Red Sox hat challengingly*: You mockin' my parentin' skills, bitch? You wanna go?! You wanna go?!!
Curt Schilling: A-Rod, he's just, you know, said some things, done some things, I don't like what I've seen. Oh wait, you've got a camera? Would you like my opinion on several other matters as well? I'm not in a hurry.
David Wells *staggering about*: I ain' never liked it here, but I, I ashked 'em t'go back, an' they said, they said they wanted *hic* kidsh! Young'uns! An' then they, then, then they sign Mr. I-sho-thin, Mr. 'Splodey Bird Man Johnson, an' he'sh, he'sh old. Fuckin' Cash, noone *hic* liesh to tha Boomah! Imma gonna kick 'is ass thish *hic* year.
Matt Mantei *nervously*: Uh, A-Rod? I'm new here, man, I dunno. I just really hope I'm, you know, healthy this season, and
Curt Schilling *leaping in front of the camera*: Oh yes, and Randy and I, we have no issues between us. Got that down? It's very important.
Boston media: But, uh, Curt, we never asked about Randy, we were talking about your bullpen this year...
Curt Schilling; Oh, ha ha, I know, we're not as good friends as we used to be! But there is no bad blood whatsoever. Do you guys have that? I can repeat it again for the people in the back, if you want.
Dan Shaughnessy: OK, Curt always hated Randy, headline tomorrow! Thanks Curt!
Randy Johnson: Why, I never did a doggone thing to them! Gosh, I've no idea why those fine chaps would ever take a dislike to me! I mean it! I have no idea what a rivalry is, to be honest.
A-Rod: Hi, yes, still in the news! I'd totally hit that l4m3r again, it was so fuckin' cool, that move, I am teh karate mastur! Yeah, u, Brandon! I went karate on ur ass! PWNED!
Bronson Arroyo: It's Bronson, and I know you're just jealous of my hair, so don't even try it, Slappy McBluelips. *tosses flowing locks over shoulder*
Curt Schilling: Bush league! A-Rod is totally bush league! And I don't mean George Bush, because he's a good man! I mean crappy, cheater bush league! He'll never be half the man that Derek Jeter is!
George Steinbrenner: Back off, Curtsy boy. It's my job to nurture the brewing Jeter/A-Rod drama.
Derek Jeter: Woah dude, keep me outta this. I don't want no trouble.
Jorge Posada: No kiddin'. A-Rod? Who's A-Rod? I'm just glad that crazy-haired Dominican won't be calling me Dumbo anymore. Oh wait, we play the Mets, don't we? Shit.
New York fans: Gawd, look at them, they're acting like they haven't been there before. Totally classless. Ugh. We're going to have to put on our Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses, snatch up our Burberry scarves, and drink a labor-free latte to get the taste of those low-class buffoons out of our mouths.
Terry Francona: Uh, New York? I got news for you, we haven't been here before.
Johnny Damon: I'm here! What'd I miss? A-Rod wakes up early to go work out? Wait, people go to sleep before 6 am? You're kidding, right?
A-Rod: U all ain't got nuthin' on me! All this is just gonna make me wanna pwn ur asses worse this season! U're all just giving me motivation! YANKEES IN '05, RED SUX 4EVA!!!!11! Also, losing? All me! Totally! All my fault!
Kevin Brown: Hey, wait, I fucked our season up pretty badly too! You can't take all the credit!
Gary Sheffield: Don't forget my untimely comments and choking performance! Those can't be underrated!
David Wells: Ha ha, all your papersh are all about tha *hic* Boomah! It's New York thas got Boshton in itsh head, not *hic* Boshton that has, that has, has New York in itsh head! CLEMENT! Get me a *hic* fuckin' hooker.
Matt Clement *scrambling frantically*: Oh my gosh, right away, David! Sure thing! Please don't hurt me.
Kevin Millar: Cowboy up, dudes and dudettes! Da Millah is in da hizzouse! Are we ready for some par-tay-ing it up, Fort Myers stylez?!
Joe Torre: Thank god I don't have to deal with those kinds of deadbeats on the Yankees.
Jason Giambi: Reportin' for camp, sir! I brought the extra-large batting helmet so I can get going right away!
Uh. Yeah. And I won't be talking about Ring Gate either.