Sunday, October 31, 2004
Today being Halloween, it seems only appropriate that the Patriots should put on the costume of a godawful football team for a day.
A minute digression. Lions lost today. It wasn't a horrible game, we had 3 interceptions against the Cowboys. But we also managed to kill ourselves with penalties. This proves that my trepidations about Bill Simmons picking the Lions to win this week were entirely justified. Go back to hating Joey Harrington, Bill. It's better for everyone.
I thought to myself, "Well, the Lions lost. It's OK, I'll watch the Patriots game this afternoon. Heck, it should be a good game, so I'll do one of those running diary things! Everyone will be entertained!"
It was... well. It wasn't pretty. I can only assume that someone, somewhere, is getting even with New England after the Red Sox won the World Series. Of course, I have to laugh a little bit, because one or two games lost by the Red Sox is hardly cause for the Nation to hang itself. Here we have one Patriots loss, and I want to break the TV. Sigh. We were spoiled, New England, we have to admit it. Regardless. The diary stands, in all its hideous madness. Read it if you dare.
9:29 First Quarter: I missed the opening field goal in the Pats/Steelers game, because CBS thought it was more important to show a bunch of commercials. Lovely. I could understand, maybe, if they found it necessary to show the last minute of the Colts/Chiefs game, but they cut away from that too. How does that make sense? We'll cut out the end of one game and the beginning of another, all so that you can see commercials for Jeeps.
8:29: The picture they have of Kevin Faulk makes it look his facial hair was scrubbed off with a brillo pad. He also appears to be grimacing. Maybe that's because he was just attacked with a brillo pad.
8:00: The punter had to step over to catch the ball, and then the punt couldn't be downed, so it's a touchback. The announcers call it a 'mishandle', but so far as I'm concerned a touchback is the norm, and if someone manages to down the ball just outside of the endzone it's a bonus. It's not a given thing that someone screws up. Does this make sense to anyone else? Although, on the replay, Dexter Reed actually could have had that. Oh well. It's still early.
7:28: OK, CBS, you can't count a win streak with a mix of college and professional games. The last team to beat Roethlisberergererer was Iowa. That's nice, but college ball and pro ball are very, very different critters. Just ask Ty Detmer.
5:30: Hey Plexiglass Burress, pass interference when your own team is on offense? Lovely. Don't talk about the rules being changed for the Patriots if you're going to pull stunts like that.
5:25: Oh god, Ty Law's down. He was limping towards the sideline and never quite got there. I feel sick. "Isn't that Harold?" "MMMMmmhmm. Daytime wireless calls were too expensive, so he went nocturnal." I feel like Harold there in the headlights. Ty Law. Please be OK.
3:47: Plexiglass goes waaaay down the field and Roethlisbergererererer hits him perfectly in his stride, Steelers touchdown. A perfectly executed toss. I hate to buy into this whole 'next Tom Brady' thing, but goddamn if that didn't look like a Tom Brady-esque play. Feel more sick. Maybe it's time to go back to the Maya homework?
3:42: The new Chrysler... thing is certainly an interesting design concept. It has a vaguely phallic look to it, although maybe that's just my imagination. Decidedly weird lines, in any event. I can't wait for the Detroit Auto Show. Maybe I'll just think about that for a while instead of watching the game.
3:31: Brady fumbles, he was hit while trying to throw the ball. That was unpleasant. Very, very unpleasant. CBS reminds us yet again that Corey Dillon is not in the game. Are they trying to say that we've become reliant on the run? Cripes. They might be right.
2:36: I don't want to lose to this Steelers team. Not after Plexiglass complaining that we don't play by the rules. I'm not sure what team I'd want us to lose to, but definitely not the Steelers. Where is our defense? Dunce Staley blasted up the lines. And they're back in the red zone. This is where you're good, guys. C'mon.
0:42: Tom Brady, on the sideline, is pissed. So am I. Burress just caught another touchdown. Bill Belichick is challenging it, but it looks good to me and the announcers. Crapsicles. Now I get to watch some poorly animated brown squares float through cities. What can Brown do for you? Not animate, evidently.
0:29: The Patriots have never been down by more than 3 in this win streak. They are now down by 11. Awesome. You know, I was one of the 'reasonable' people saying that it was totally cool for Curt Schilling to be wearing a Steelers hat a few days ago if he had grown up a Pittsburgh fan. If we lose this game I'm going to be irrationally angry at Schilling. I don't want to be, but there will be no help for it.
0:22: "You would not mispronunciate a word." God, thank you CBS announcers. I feel like I'm back with the unique aural stylings of Tim McCarver. And then the Steelers pick off Tom Brady and run it in for another touchdown. Yup. I'm going to go see if any washing machines are open.
14:56 Second Quarter: And the second quarter starts off with Brady getting sacked. I don't understand this. Why are they melting down? Did someone take compromising pictures involving our offensive line, an industrial-sized can of lard, and seven goats? Because, otherwise, this makes no sense to me.
12:00: Another first down for the Steelers on a rocket to Hines (playing in Heinz Stadium, yuk yuk yuk) Ward. I like how CBS has the two lines, one showing the line of scrimmage and one showing the first down mark. That's about all I like right now on the TV screen.
10:04: Roethlisbergererererer is pressured and sent running, but he still gets the ball off. It's not a first down, but it's a completion. I want to play Miami of Ohio again. I didn't fully appreciate the 43-10 drubbing we gave them earlier this year. We need to do it again so that I can feel properly vengeful.
9:22: Some guy who just got activated this morning carries the ball for us and gets it back to the line of scrimmage. Oh wait, he got one yard. Awesome. The horrible air brakes are back outside again.
7:51: Please, please, please do not leave FlappingGums Owens and the Eagles the only undefeated team in the NFL after today.
7:45: Brady overthrows David Givens, who was double-covered anyways. 3rd and 15. Next play he airs it out again, to Bethel Johnson, who is triple-covered. The ball, unsurprisingly, is picked off. By Ike Taylor, who I think is some sort of backup. You know what's sad? The Lions played better than this today. The Lions played a lot better than this today. And they lost too.
4:48: I'm sure something's going on in the game, but I just spent the past 3 minutes reading through everyone's away messages. I'd write down the interesting ones, except that there aren't any. Except for one by a young lady attending Skidmore College, in which she refers to her peers as 'Skiddies' with complete seriousness. This needs to be abolished. It's first and goal for the Steelers. The Busboy is in the game.
2:47: Roethlisbergereererer misses Riemersma in the endzone. Fun fact! Riemersma graduated from the good ol' University of Michigan. Right now this is failing to instill any great joy or pride in my heart. The Steelers are going to kick a field goal after the commercials. My hatred for the 'beep beep!' Nextel walkie-talkie phenomenon knows no bounds, so lets all thank CBS for running that particular commercial and getting me even more worked up than I was before.
2:00: The Patriots are down by 3 touchdowns. I keep reminding myself that the Red Sox were 3 games down and 3 outs away from complete elimination, but they came back to win it all. Michigan came back from two touchdowns and a field goal with only 8 minutes left in the whole game, while the Pats have two minutes and a whole half to work with here. I am not very good at comforting myself.
0:51: We’re finally in their red zone. And Brady zips one right past Christian Fauria, who looks like he kicked up a chunk of turf when he fell over. Ty Law also seems to have injured himself while sliding on the turf. Have the Steelers poured oil on the field? I’ll believe any explanation for this sorry performance right now.
0:42: David Givens catches a touchdown. OK. With the kick, that’ll make it 10-24, which is painful, but no longer insurmountable. This is valuable too, as it’ll be important to the team’s mental health going into halftime.
0:34: If the Steelers don’t score again, that is. That’s right boys, let him run the kickoff back to the 38. Go ahead. It’s not like you need to play defense right now or anything.
0:13: Roethlisbergerererrererr has set the Steelers record today for the most touchdown passes by a rookie with more than 13 letters in his name.
Halftime. I’m going to go muck around with light pollution photos for my longterm art lecture assignment. Jolly good. If Belichick doesn’t beat some sense into these kids at halftime we have no chance. My aversion to losing to this Steelers team is growing steadily by the minute. I’ll give CBS this: their musical selections are about 500 times better than FOX’s are.
Going into the second half, the Patriots have –1 yards rushing. I just want to throw that out there.
14:45 Third Quarter: Gosh, we’ve fumbled the ball. Steelers have it. I’ll take this moment to stare up at the ceiling and hope that the painful fluorescent light will burn out my corneas and spare me this horror.
14:38: The guy we have in for the injured Ty Law is Randall Gay. He’s getting his ass destroyed by the Steelers offense. There’s a tasteless joke in there somewhere. Busboy just got another Steeler touchdown, by the way. I’m not sure why I’m still watching this, but I feel like it’s something I can’t just give up on, no matter how horrible it is.
12:58: Bethel Johnson returns his 54,678th kickoff of the day. What did we do to deserve this? Is is because the Red Sox won? Is this some kind of cosmic imbalance trying to even itself out?
11:19: Three straight completions to Troy Brown. This is good, because we’re actually moving up the field, but we can’t keep going to him or the Steelers will just find a new way to suck the life out of our offense.
10:56: In high school, the CBS crew informs us, David Patten’s quarterback was Pokey Reese. Of the Boston Red Sox. I had no idea. Pokey’s so little, how in the world did he ever play football? I don’t quite know what to make of this, but I feel like it’s a little golden nugget of information in the giant slurry of mud that is this football game.
10:44: We’re within goal range, but we just wasted three downs trying to throw the ball into the endzone. Unsuccessfully, I might add. Vinatieri comes on to try for a field goal, which right now seems a bit like trying to bail out a sinking cruise ship with Corey Dillons’ protective cup.
10:35: We have another man down on the field. Oh, it’s Randall Gay. The guy who went in for Ty Law, who went down earlier in the game. I HEAR YOU GOD, BUT I STILL DON’T REGRET THE RED SOX WIN. DO YOUR WORST!
9:17: I just cast my vote in the CBS Sports Poll for best young running back in the NFL. I voted for Kevin Brown, because he’s on Detroit and I figure no one else will vote for him. Ah, yup, here are the results. Kevin Brown is in dead last, with a whopping 7.4% of the vote. Since 3749 people have voted so far, that’s 277.43 voting for the beleaguered Lion. This game is so painful that I’ve resorted to doing math. And wondering about the .43 of a person who voted. A mystery!
4:51: The Busboy just got a 9 yard run, his longest of the season. Richard Seymour was snapping at him after the play. We keep that up and we’re going to get penalized for it. Not that it would matter much at this point, but it’s the principle of the thing.
2:06: Steelers get another field goal, to put the game back at 3 touchdowns away. I don’t drink, but if I did, now would be a good time to start. What font are the Steelers using for their uniform numbers? It looks vaguely familiar, but I can’t quite place it. On a related note, who wants to put good money on the probability that I’m one of the only people watching this game who is actually interested in fonts and typefaces?
1:10: It’s 2nd down and 20. Tom Brady is actually getting a bit more protection this quarter and literally as I type that, swear to God and the Red Sox, the Steelers sack him. OK. I’m scared now.
0:22: You know what we haven’t heard much of today? The names of the Patriots defensemen. Where the hell is Tedy Bruschi? Have we heard from him even once today? What about Willie McGinest? The only thing I’ve heard about Richard Seymour is that he keeps jawing with Steelers in a vaguely threatening fashion. One has to wonder where these guys are today.
14:52 Fourth Quarter: Ah, they finally say Tedy Bruschi’s name. Of course, they say it in the context of running down Dunce Staley, who is ‘putting up the numbers’ today. I feel cheated here. I was looking forward to watching some good football after the Lions lost earlier this afternoon, but it turns out that that was the better game.
12:45: Roethlisbergererererer runs for a first down. “That kind of day for the Steelers,” the announcers say, admiringly. As well they should.
10:30: Ty Warren ‘decked’ Roethlisbergerererrer after the ball left. I think we got away with one there. Am I the only one thinking that maybe we can blame this loss on Theresa Heinz-Kerry? It's her bloody stadium. I’m getting bitter, I really am. I’m going to have to spend a good solid hour after this game looking at Red Sox victory parade photos if I want to recover my equanimity.
9:23: For the first time since the first quarter, the Patriots have positive rushing yardage.
8:02: You know, we don’t have to be undefeated to get to the playoffs. If the Jets win tomorrow night (they’re playing the Dolphins, so we’re working with this assumption) we’ll be tied with them at the top of our conference. I’m reaching here, people, help me out with this. Brady just got sacked again. 3rd and 12.
7:18: For once, a flag goes against the Steelers. We decline it, since we have the first down anyways. Awesome. We’re at the 25. Some oversized Steeler tackles Kevin Faulk on a run and just squats over him after the play like a wild boar over a newly discovered trove of edible roots. I use that particular metaphor because it is exactly that disgusting.
6:33: Brady’s pass complete to David Givens! Patriots touchdown! What a catch, he was scooting out the back of the endzone, but I guess he dragged his foot enough for it to count. The officials are taking their sweet time spotting the ball to give Cowherd a chance to challenge it, but he didn’t bother. His team’s still two touchdowns ahead, I suppose he doesn’t feel the need to waste a timeout on this.
6:27: Woah, shot of the Patriots sideline. Who has the frosted tips? He looked like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Who the heck was that? I didn’t get a good look at the jersey. By the way, if we don’t get an interception or some other sort of defensive break, we have no chance in this game. Unfortunately, the Steelers like running the ball right now.
note: A little judicious research reveals that the frosty-haired Patriot is one Kevin Kasper. He has a fanpage devoted to him. And just when you thought this debacle couldn't get any more uncomfortable.
4:10: “Hey Jim, I heard you stopped over at a deli yesterday and you got a RoethlisBURGER! Har har har! and guess how much it costs? Seven dollars. Because that's his number! You know you’re doing well and you’re hot stuff when they start naming sandwiches and hamburgers after you.”
2:32: Next week we play the Rams, followed by the Bills, then the Chiefs, Ravens, and Browns. We can win some of those, maybe even all of them. This isn’t the end of the world.
2:15: I lied. The Busboy just ran for 30 yards. Tom Brady is sitting on the sideline looking upset. Clearly, someone needs to get hurt for this.
1:46: The Steelers are sitting on the ball and running out the clock. I hope the Eagles destroy the Steelers next week. No, I hope the Steelers beat up on the Eagles so no one is undefeated in the NFL. I hope both teams decimate the other with injuries so that they have to go to all their third string players for the rest of the year. Yes. That is the best scenario.
No no no Curt Schilling. This simultaneously makes me want to laugh and start sobbing uncontrollably. The funny part is the Kerry-supporting members of the Red Sox management saying that "when George W. Bush was owner of the Texas Rangers he voted against creation of the wild card. The Red Sox, of course, qualified for the playoffs through the wild card," and therefore if Bush had had his way the Sox would never have been in the World Series.
The part that makes me cry is Schilling making automated phone calls saying, "These past couple of weeks, Sox fans ... trusted me when it was my turn on the mound. Now you can trust me on this: President Bush is the right leader for our country.'' The calls are supposed to be used in the swing states New Hampshire, Maine, and Pennsylvania. NOT COOL CURT SCHILLING. NH and Maine are both Sox fans states! You can't abuse your status like that! That's not nice! It would be like Johnny Damon trying to influence Church policy or something!
I've had it. I need to finish this damn Maya work at some point tonight, and I should really go to sleep early. Good times. At least Michigan won yesterday. I'll have that to sustain me through the weekend.
edit: I promised, and I deliver. Here you may see my Maya snowman if you so desire. Good times. It wasn't so hard once I figured out the commands to move your point of view around, because it's all just stock polygonal forms that I manipulated. I guess tomorrow morning we learn coloring and texturing and such things and apply them to our snowmen. If we do more with them maybe I'll post the new versions eventually.
7:30 PM
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