Formerly Felines for Anarchistic Green Democracies

A Bostonian at the University of Michigan.

There will also be discussion of the New England Patriots, Miami Dolphins, and Michigan Wolverines. Probably in that order.

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Spelling rant
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A Tigers Comedy of Errors
How bad is Keith Foulke really?
Harry Potter and the Boston Red Sox
Bellhorn vs. Graffanino vs. Lamprey
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Joey Harrington blogs a baseball game
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8 Days of Jewish Baseball
Day 1- Kevin Youkilis
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Part II: rise of the Soxxabees
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Tuesday, March 18, 2003  
Today we wrote a poem in english class. They were sestinas.

Mine is about a hapless anteater who swallows a particle of gravity. This, of course, causes him to become green and segemented. That, unfortunately, is what you get when you swallow a particle of gravity. And if you doubt that gravity comes in particles, then you are simply a fool. So there.

Anyways, I found a picture of an anteater just sitting around on my computer, so I illustrated my poem with him.

before swallowing gravity

after swallowing gravity

So don't go eating any particles of gravity, or your fate will be the same as this poor anteater here. That is moral of my poem.

And no, I was not high when I wrote it.

I was, however, in school, which probably means that I was inhaling some sort of hallicinogenic fumes, but you know what I mean. I wasn't actively high.

Today the inventor of the Zone diet gave a lecture at my school. It was pretty bad, but it was marginally better than sitting through health class. Some junior with fantastically orange skin and enormous tan boots introduced him, and she said, "I am living proof of the Zone diet," and because of the skin and the boots Liz, Corey, Noah, Jason and I started dying quietly.

It was so hard to not laugh out loud. The girl was trying to be serious about the whole thing ("I really believed in the Zone because of the hormonal control"), but it was too funny. I mean, she was practically a parody of herself. Whose skin is that orange? Whose hair is that bleached-looking? (although maybe it wasn't that bad... maybe it just looked worse in contrast to the skin) Who wears those boots?

She said many things, like "I couldn't even stop the Zone diet now if I wanted to... I used to get headaches all of the time, and now I don't." This statement, combined with the fact that Mr. Zone diet himself kept on saying things like "Your drug...... is food" and "No drug is more potent than food" (not even heroin? and here I thought that was all powerful and dangerous and whatnot...), makes me awfully wary of this Zone thingy. I mean, a drug? Do I really want to become physically and mentally addicted to this thing? It must be an awfully expensive habit, I mean, you have to buy all of those books and things...

The guy also kept on talking about "giving yourself an unfair hormonal adavantage" by eating well, which was, for some unfathomable reason, absolutely hilarious at the time. Some of the things he said were obviously bogus or at the very least extremely convoluted versions of the truth. "If you eat too much sugar, you won't have enough human growth hormone" (so all those little kids who eat tons of sugar will never grow? obviously a lie, 'cause little kids who eat tons of sugar all grow up). He also said that if you went on the Zone diet, you would quickly notice that "everything your teachers are saying in class suddenly makes sense!" (what if you're an idiot? what if you're tired, and diet has nothing to do with it? what if you just don't get the material? how will food help you there? hmm?)

Other things he said were just stupid. "You only think those celebrities are anorexic... they're actually very healthy, and they're on the Zone diet" (daggers from the eyes of every female member of the audience here). "My wife, who has been on the Zone diet for a decade, is considered tiny here, but we just got back from Italy, and she was normal there. That is because America is such a fat country. Here, my wife has a hard time finding a size 2. In Milan, she was average" (got news for ya buddy... Milan is the home of anorexic models, of course your probably sickly wife fit right in.... and if she can't find a size 2, where is she shopping? they probably have tons of size 2s somewhere like express).

One more funny thing he said... he said that the Zone diet would "control your emotions", and stop you from being sad and whatnot. For one thing, that's obviously a load of defecatory material. Vegetarians get just as depressed as the rest of the human race. Secondly, why would you necessarily want your emotions to be completely suppressed and controlled? This guy was making it sound like this diet was the new Prozac or somesuchathing. Idiocy and amusement.

Well, that was my inifinitely thrilling day.

The only other interesting bit was that we watched a video in bio today about the human body, and they showed a video of someone's vocal chords while they were coughing. It was completely disgusting. The vocal chords are nasty to begin with, they look like.. well, I'll put a picture below, but anyways, when you cough they flap all over the place and it was supremely gross and made me want to never cough again.

*OK, well, I had a picture of vocal chords here, but I have now removed it, since it was a thoroughly disgusting picture and it looked vaguely like porn. Vocal chord porn, but you know what I mean. My french class rebelled against it, so it is no longer here for your viewing.*

That's enough, I need to stop taking such joy from technology. Good night, all.

10:50 PM

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